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January 20, 2003   
Peace, love and a penis
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

'Affirmative Action Policy Unfair,' Says Rich, Dumb, White President

Race-based admittance instead of wealth-based unconstitutional
January 20, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
President Bush, shortly after filing his petition, is lost in thought, possibly to never return.
R
ich, dumb, white president George W. Bush, the "W" possibly standing for "Whitey," took the opportunity on Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday Wednesday to show where he stood on civil rights by denouncing the University of Michigan's affirmative action admissions policy.

It comes as a real shock to a handful of people who buy entirely into presidential soundbytes and vote-grabbing. The Bush administration has attempted to court minorities with promises of real changes in civil rights, though perhaps Bush intended the change to be a step backward and just purposely omitted saying what kind of change he was talking about.

Plaintiffs, also exceedingly white people from mostly non-impoverished families, have filed a lawsuit against the University of Michigan because...Read more...

Algerian Terrorist 'Hacks' Can't Escape Al-Qaeda's Shadow

Aspiring Islamic terrorists sick of comparisons
January 20, 2003
London, England
Snapper McGee
Hopeful Algerian terrorists fail miserably in early terror training attempts to fit in without drawing attention.
T
hey're young. They're dangerous. They're filled with hate for all Western culture and the influence it's had on Islamic countries. No, they're not Al-Qaeda; they're Algerian, and they're tired of being compared to Osama bin Laden's terrorist units.

If you haven't heard of these Algerian up-and-coming homeland security risks, it's not surprising. They've only recently made any news at all, and it took a far backseat to growing concerns about Iraq and North Korea, as well as troubling domestic issues like the economy and Joe Millionaire. They're relegated to the back page of the World news right now, and they're not happy about it.

"It's just like Americans to ignore you as a threat if you haven't set off a bomb in their country or anything," said one leade...Read more...

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



January 20, 2003
Click for Biography

Challenge of the Masked Dude

The new year is presenting more hurdles than some excessive hurdle-presenting device of some sort. Remember the Masked Dude?

Yes, former pro-wrestler the Masked Dude has been consistently on my ass like my former glitter-covered spandex tights. If you remember the details from my previous column, you're one up on me—I had to look it up and re-read it just to remember, and it was hell finding the commune on this "internet" thing. But as I mentioned, the Masked Dude, the only 5-foot wrestler in our wrestling league, the Dandies of America, constantly sought me out to turn his zero-win record into a one-win, or higher. As the 4-Foot Nightmare, I was the shortest wrestler in the league and, in the Dude's opinion, the easiest path to victory. But I never fought the Dude, as I re...Read more...

º Last Column: A High-Resolution New Year
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Quote of the Day
“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”

-Clement B. Doogle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Mama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.


Try again later.
Top Ways to Leave Your Lover
1.Join Al-Qaeda
2.Quit Al-Qaeda
3.Mail self to Shanghai (unless from Shanghai)
4.Singing Dump-o-Gram
5.Blaze of Glory/Blaze of Lies
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Israeli Astronaut Hopes to Colonize Arabic Space Stations

View Past Columns
BY winston c. mars
1/20/2003
Frombnabula 7
Orange crush skies crush down upon
Frombnabula 7
and the space crew thereon:
Phinneas Wilbur, the captain of late,
and Gumfrey McDumfrey,
his faithful first mate,
and Rooter, and Bramble,
and John-Boy Perdue
and six other guys
dressed in cobalt blue.

Their orders were simple:
explore and report.
"And don't explode,"
thought John-Boy Perdue with a snort
(he thought himself funny,
the crew though him short).

As they scanned the horizon with space-dusted eyes
for signs there of life and signs of surprise
(perhaps a space weasel or pack of space lice),
McDumfrey sneezed once, and then he sneezed twice.

The crew froze a moment in the silenc...Read more...