n awkward pause lasted a full 30 minutes on basic cable Friday night when Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott appeared on BET for a second time to ask forgiveness for remarks made at Strom Thurmond's birthday party two weeks previous. Despite stepping down from his position as Senate Majority leader earlier in the day, Lott felt it necessary to stress the sincerity of his regret for the ill-received comments—this time, garbed in FUBU clothes and sporting bad street lingo, Lott offered "the sizzincerest apologizzies."

It was a stark contrast to Monday night's appearance, where Lott was reserved, even self-effacing as he made an on-air apology directed to African-Americans. In addition to that apology, in which Lott claimed his remarks had been misconstrued as pro-segregationist when they were not intended that way, Lott tried to explain his long history of voting against legislation supported by African-Americans, including affirmative action and the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.

On Friday, Lott was decidedly more in-your-face, despite claims he was "just chillin' on the B to the E.T." Though in his previous interview with Ed Gordon Trent claimed he was not a racist because he did not feel superior to Gordon, the Trent Lott in attendance Friday did suggest he was the mack daddy of riches and bitches.

"Yo, Ed G., it ain't no secret—T-Lo pulls all the fine bitches like motherfuckin' gravity. The honies love power and T-Lo's got it. You down with G.O.P.? Yeah, you know me."

When pressed about his voting record, Lott was less apologetic than Monday's interview.

"It's all good, Ed G. The plain truth is I ain't up in them cap-hill offices readin' all day like Muhammad or sumptin'. I'm just there to get pizzaid, and I just click the buttons until the checks is wrote and I get the fuck out for the weekend. Know what I'm sayin'? Just up there, trying to keep it real."

Interviewer Gordon questioned Lott on his strange new attitude, but Lott insisted the change was not inspired by polls stating his apologies were ineffective.

"It's all me, G. The real T-Lo got tired of puttin' on that whack suit-and-tie bullshit. That ain't the real Trent Lott, know what I'm sayin'? That was just frontin' 'cause I thought white America wasn't down wit' me otherwise. But, y'know, fuck all y'all who don't like the real T-Lo. Y'all just weak-ass perpetrators."

As for his earlier pro-segregationist remarks, Lott was quick to dismiss them.

"Yo, yo, yo, Ed G., that was some crazy-ass shit I said, I know that. But what you expect me to do? They asked me to say somethin' at this old-ass Strom Thurmond motherfucker's birthday and I had to come up with somethin' fast. Everybody'd be all pissed at me if I said he looked like Redd Fox's nutsack, right? So I just spun some mad bullshit about supportin' his presidential bid and shit—I ain't know what fuckin' 'segregationist' mean, sounds like the name of Prince's new band or somethin'. I said the shit, I'm truly sizzorry, homeslice, what you want from me? This shit done blown all outta proportion."

Lott stressed that he has drastic plans for change when he returns to Washington, including hiring an entourage of 10 leather-clad bodyguards, shaving his initials into his hair, and "tryin' to hook up wit' that fine-ass Beyoncé." As for legislature, Lott promises all his future Senate-floor speeches will be freestyle rhymes and he promises to have a joint holiday for Biggie and Tupac on the national calendar before the end of 2003.

Officials in the black community, in the meantime, have stressed that they liked Lott much better when he was on the clearly opposing side.

collective Charlie Brown-style "Auuuuugh!" sounded around the world upon the release of the newest economy figures Friday. In addition to the disappointing early returns for the Christmas season, and spending figures falling below already-low projections, initial reports suggest that one industry not suffering this year is lousy Christmas gifts.

Lousy Christmas gifts, a sub-industry all its own, is notorious for maintaining steady sales from year to year, apparently never suffering from the effects of recession. However, 2003 marks the first year, if early indicators are correct, that crappy Christmas gifts will actually be on the uprise.

"The old adage about the recession," said some hobo who claimed to have a background in economics as we fed him a can of creamed corn, "is that the fluff industries are all the first hit. Luxuries, things like that. But there are rock-like reliables in all areas of the economy, and Christmas gifts are no exception. When the country hits on hard times in the yuletide season, cool gifts are the first things to go. No one's going to shell out for costly electronics when cheap, affordable, crappy gifts are available. Most Americans are tightening the belt—which, ironically enough, is one of the first crappy gifts to see a boost in sales."

Most holiday shoppers bear those theories out.

"I would have liked to bought my son that MP3 player he's been talking up all year," said Syracuse, New York-area housewife Mabel Donner. "But with things looking so bad for the economy it doesn't look like a good time to buy some new-fangled radio. So I'm getting him that book of inspirational sayings I saw in the mall."

Books of contrived sentimentality are not the only Christmas gifts with a sharp rise in sales this year. Also seeing an increase are socks, underwear, courderoy slacks, snow pants, gay sweaters, suspenders, and T-shirts and hats certifying they were purchased by grandparents.

Outside of clothing, food is also seeing a sales boost, especially cheese and sausage gift packs and giant tins of caramel-covered popcorn. Sales of advent calendars featuring dried, nasty chocolate alone have provided a much-appreciated lift to the German economy. In addition, minor sales increases have occurred in virtually every area of the economy for crappy gifts; even crappy video games like Pokémon Pro-Skater and Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen Virtua Fighter are seeing a sales spike.

Most kids have yet to experience the nightmarish reality of Christmas morning, 2002 as of yet; but some, like Craig Sharmet of Ledervehn, Pennsylvania, have already seen early warning signs.

"Grandma gave everybody their Christmas gifts yesterday," said Sharmet. "I got a Jesus calendar. It's a calendar. And it has pictures of Jesus on it. For every day of the year. All next year. Jesus."

Alice Keeler of Tumasca, Arizona, can sympathize.

"Aunt Sandy showed up Wednesday with presents for everybody and said we could open them, and we were all flipping out 'cause we were so happy. Then we opened them. I got a glitter puff T-shirt with the American Idol logo on it. I'm not sure what's worse—that people would think I like American Idol the TV show enough to wear a T-shirt of it or that people who don't know the TV show think I'm saying I'm an American idol or something. The possibilities are terrifying. And I had to thank her for it."

On the brighter side of the story, all forecasts indicate that shopping traffic will increase significantly just after Christmas, when the stores fill with the countless consumers attempting to return Shania Twain CDs and subscriptions to Teen People.

Dear commune:

I'm always fascinated by cultures different from our own. It's nice to know that some things are universal—like smiles. Everyone smiles, in every place on the earth! Isn't that cool?

Another thing is Santa Claus. Sure, we don't call him by the same name everywhere, but everyone believes in some version of Santa Claus, right? Which is why I'm writing to you. Can you tell me more about all the various versions of Santa Claus out there? It sounds exciting! Thanks!


Nat McCauley
Whitewash, Washington


Dear Nat:

Judging by the fact your letter's written in crayon you're either a child or mentally handicapped, or just a full-grown man who makes very poor shopping choices. Either way, we think it best not to feed your delusions about "Santa Claus."

It is so typical of Clausians to assume everybody everywhere believes in Santa Claus and the power of his gift-giving. If you are a child, we cannot blame you, but it's time you knew that Santa Claus is only one theory of how the gifts get under the tree, and not even the oldest.

In some African cultures, popular theory is that Black Monday, a large death-dealing African tribesman with a sackful of gifts, sneaks in through the chimney (or under the door, if your home doesn't have a chimney) in the night, unsheathes a machete and deals death to the wicked white families. Their possessions are reclaimed and distributed to the African people, and that's how the gifts get under the tree.

In Japan, "Santa" is actually a 50-foot robot that transforms into a walkman and leaves itself under the tree. Fortunately, once one robot has completed its mission, other robots construct themselves for delivery to other children around the world.

As for ourselves, sometimes we're Santagnostics and don't know what we believe. But usually we rely on the idea that "Santa Claus," as you call him, is just pure energy that divides itself among us all, and that by closing our eyes and collectively picturing sugar plums dancing and other Christmas things, we can generate gifts under the tree without buying them. This hasn't happened yet, but it's usually from a lack of good will and Christmas cheer and therefore does not constitute a lack of existence of this energy.

Hope this has illuminated the subject and you're no longer tied to the ridiculous idea of a man coming down your chimney to empty his sack rather than fill it. Merry whatever!

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the lump of coal in your stocking. Perhaps you should have thought about that before sending us all those forwarded e-mails asking us to add our names to the bottom.

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