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December 9, 2002   
Time flies when you're timing flies
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Records Indicate Strom Thurmond Died in 1982

Republican Senator carries on despite timely demise
December 9, 2002
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
News of the Senator's own death reaches him during his 100th birthday celebration
R
epublican Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina celebrated his 100th birthday this week, a feat made even more amazing by the fact that he died 20 years ago.

"This striking news is just further evidence of Strom's amazing longevity," opined former Sen. Bob Dole, R-Kan., who himself died after falling down a well in 1996, but came back because he forgot his glasses.

Thurmond, the oldest and whitest senator in history, reached his 100th birthday Thursday surrounded by family, friends, and more zombies than a George Romero film. When asked if they ever expected to see this day after Thurmond's death from a heart attack in 1982, partygoers were philosophical.

"Strom's always pulling shit like that. Hell, he died in my pool last weekend. I thought I was...Read more...

A Nation Bored: America Waits Patiently for Something, Anything to Happen

An apathetic United States endures a time of deep ho-hum
December 9, 2002
Raleigh, North Carolina
Snapper McGee
Some Americans are so desperate for distraction they're tuning in to JAG on CBS.
T
he country as a whole has not been doing anything recently. In fact, leading news analysts propose that the total United States has just been going through the daily grind since, approximately, Thanksgiving weekend.

Though a slate of news stories and pop culture events dominated American consciousness in recent months—including the potential war with Iraq, the November election win for Republicans, the murder spree by serial snipers, movie releases like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and the new James Bond movie Die Another Day, and exciting episodes of favorite TV programs—the past two weeks has found America completely, utterly bored.

A recent survey on what Americans were doing included answers such as, "Nothing much," "Nothing real...Read more...

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



December 9, 2002
Click for Biography

I Am Gathering a Troupe for a Journey

the commune's Red Bagel leads a brave army of one
I am sad to say the hour of judgment draws near. I'm not talking about biblical predictions of the end of time, or some poorly-imagined Bruce Willis action movie armageddon. I'm talking about the growing conspiracy, which I have mentioned before, without giving specific details. It's practically here.

As you may know, I have tried gathering a group before through classified ads, hoping to attract mercenaries and those with a death wish to follow me into the danger, with me firmly in the back; but no such luck. I will have to go this mission alone, and take some commune staffers with me. Mostly to carry my things, but I'm not ruling out fighting and taking bullets and what-not.

The problem, as you can imagine, is that the commune is over-run with cowards, dope fi...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”

-Roderick Youngfellow
Fortune 500 Cookie
You are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.


Try again later.
Top Positive Changes Inspired by Va. Tech Massacre
1.Public now rightfully suspicious of South Koreans
2.Bush to up military spending to ensure troops aren't outgunned by Iraqi college students
3.Handguns: two for the price of one, Big Dill's Gun Barn, Williamsburg, VA
4.Congress to pass ban on recreational bazookas
5.Grand Theft Auto: Va. Tech to carry "It's just a game" disclaimer
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Twenty-two Dead and Children Delighted by Snowstorm

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BY roland mcshyster
12/9/2002
Hello, Young America! Time to saddle up and get on the Entertainment Train one more time, and this time we're going to ride it all the way to Not Wasting Your Money City. I hope you brought plenty of trail mix and travel Yahtzee and stuff, because… have you ever ridden on a train before? Talk about slow. I mean the director's cut of a DOGME film slow. You'd think in this day and age they could kick it in the ass with some rocket boosters or wings or likewise for the trains, but train people are like some weird branch of the Amish or something—totally resistant to change. So you can thank your lucky ass we're not actually getting on a real train and I'm just being colorful in my language. Let's get on to the movies:


In TheatersRead more...