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Michael Jackson Cannibalizes BabyBizarre video footage vindicates crepehangers November 25, 2002 |
Berlin, Germany Image Courtesy Die Station Jackson revealing the surprise entrée
"It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it," sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter's wet dream. "Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby's entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and licking the baby's...
ichael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son's toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem Childrens benefit, waved to the cameras and flashed a "kissy-peace" hand gesture to his fans before he closed the blinds and proceeded to partake in what can only be speculated as an orgy of underage cannibalism.
"It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it," sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter's wet dream. "Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby's entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and licking the baby's empty hide clean like a goddamned dinner plate. God. I think I'm gonna be sick."
Professional housewife Mandy St. Clair echoed Randall's concerns.
"It's like it makes you, I don't know. Want. Want to do something to make that thing different. You know? Different so he's not eating those babies. Because that's just wrong, even if the babies want to be eaten. Because how could you really know? They might smile and wave their arms around like they want to be eaten, but it might just be because they're remembering something nice from when they're in the womb. Or they might have gas, sometimes babies smile who have gas. So you shouldn't just eat them."
Jackson's fans were quick to defend the troubled star, who recently sort of testified in his own defense in a courtward lawsuit.
"Even if Michael did eat that baby, he only did it for the fans. That's how much he cares," explained Kyoko Matsui, a screaming Tokyo fan of Jackson's appearances on cereal boxes in her home country. "People were yelling, 'We want to meet the baby!' and I guess since it was so noisy, Michael probably thought they were saying 'We want you to eat the baby!' It was just a tragic misunderstanding."
But noted sports psychologist Dr. Mandra Jimsack was wary of letting Jackson off the hook so easily.
"Fans yell out all kinds of crazy requests to stars, that doesn't mean they have to follow them. It's the star's job to set boundaries and know where to draw the line. Signing some autographs or flashing your tits out the sunroof of a limo? That's being a good star. Jerking off in a men's room at the park or shooting a rival recording artist in the testicles? That's just going too far. And also, lighting a fart on fire at the Golden Globes? That's very bad, Mr. Sandler. Very bad."
Activist groups rallied within minutes of the tape airing on the German news, calling for whatever kind of social services Germany might have to step in and take Jackson's remaining children away before dinnertime. Lawyers for German's Die Station news network were also preparing a lawsuit against the singer. According to sources, Jackson caused two of the station's cameramen to fall out of an evergreen tree near the hotel when he refused to leave his blinds open, forcing them to attempt filming through a small opening in the bathroom window.
Hours later, Jackson appeared at a puppet museum with the live toddler in tow, setting off ripples of speculation through the "thought he ate the baby" community. Randall, however, was not so quick to forgive and forget.
"Jesus Christ, how many of those things has he got? Well, I guess we can add human cloning to the list of charges. Fuckin' fruit." the commune news may have fallen off the wagon and into the frying pan, but we're pretty sure this next leap will put us in the clear. Boner Cunningham has always been a big Michael Jackson fan, but he still thinks Purple Rain was overrated.
 | Republican Majority Mandates Lobster Bibs for DemocratsHazing, slander of Democrats top congressional priorities November 11, 2002 |
Washington, D.C. Ansel Evans There's just no way to wear one of those things without looking like an asshole.
"Well, those boys is some messy eaters, so we figured we'd help 'em out so they can keep their shirts clean," chuckled Senator Thad Cochran from Tennessee.
ess than a week after the Republican smack-down known as the 2002 election, giddy conservatives were chomping at the bit to address their priorities for the upcoming session of Congress. Saturday night, an after-hours weekend meeting and weenie roast for GOP Congressmen both incumbent and newly elect set the tone for the upcoming session. Among the top priorities addressed were mandatory lobster bibs for all Democrats, the implementation of segregated Democrat bathrooms down in the basement behind the boiler room, and the requirement that Democrats sing the teapot song before speaking during congressional debates.
"Well, those boys is some messy eaters, so we figured we'd help 'em out so they can keep their shirts clean," chuckled Senator Thad Cochran from Tennessee.
"The American people have spoken, or more importantly they scribbled in some little bubbles with a pencil, and they've sent a clear mandate about what they want to see in the next two years. Few can deny that Americans are clamoring to see Democrat Representatives with embarrassing words like 'Dickless' and 'Miss Thang' sunburned onto their chests while they are chased by bears on rollerskates. The American people suffered through a long ballot, they had to fill in a lot of pointless bubbles for judges and people they'd never heard of just to make the democracy machine work, and now we owe it to them to hold up our end of the bargain. Let me be the first to wield the spankin' paddle in the name of the American Way," announced Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas with a gleam in his eye.
When asked by a visibly concerned President Bush when Congress would find time to approve military action in Iraq, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott looked confused for a moment before replying.
"Ira-? Oh, right, right. Don't worry yourself, Dub. There'll be plenty of time for that after we pass this hilarious bill Orrin's been working on. Get this, we're going to have all of the… Jesus, excuse me, it still cracks me up, we're gonna have all the Democrats carrying around these dog bowls with their names printed on them, to drink out of, you know. And whenever Moynihan goes off on one of his tangents, you know, like he does, I'm going to stand up and do the little pinky-finger thing, you know what I'm talking about. And I say 'Could someone please throw the Senator a frickin' bone here?' Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we're going to keep a few cases of dog biscuits on hand for everybody to throw at Moynihan when I say that. Shit, let me start over. This is going to be great."
Lott was cut off by Rep. Elect Saxby Chambliss of Georgia, who was doing an impression of a Democrat Congressman in the upcoming 2003 session.
"I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout! I object!"
The gathered Congressmen erupted into laughter and applause, which rose another notch when Sen. Elect Jim Talent of Missouri shot milk out of his nose. the commune news is a profoundly bipartisan organization that prides itself on giving equal coverage to both sides of the "Tastes Great/Less Filling" debate. Ivana Folger-Balzac is harder to get rid of than an Enron sweatshirt and has apparently outlasted the Japanese Mafia, who are entirely overrated.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 November 11, 2002 Lottery"A wise man once said: 'It takes a fool to win the lottery.'
Wait, no. That's not right. In retrospect I think it was 'It takes a fool to get into pottery.' That's it. And that man was my father. Dad hated pottery, ever since he was kicked out of high school for pushing a potter's wheel out a third-story window, which landed on the school's mascot. That red-painted mouse never recovered from the head trauma it received in the incident. After that day, dad never forgave mice or the entire field of pottery for his failure to receive an education.
But the one thing dad did love, besides his family and possibly my brother Goose, was the lottery. Every week he'd buy as many tickets for the Irish Sweepstakes as the Hartwig family grocery money would allow, and every wee...
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"A wise man once said: 'It takes a fool to win the lottery.'
Wait, no. That's not right. In retrospect I think it was 'It takes a fool to get into pottery.' That's it. And that man was my father. Dad hated pottery, ever since he was kicked out of high school for pushing a potter's wheel out a third-story window, which landed on the school's mascot. That red-painted mouse never recovered from the head trauma it received in the incident. After that day, dad never forgave mice or the entire field of pottery for his failure to receive an education.
But the one thing dad did love, besides his family and possibly my brother Goose, was the lottery. Every week he'd buy as many tickets for the Irish Sweepstakes as the Hartwig family grocery money would allow, and every week he guaranteed us a victory. And, every week he'd lose on a technicality that involved filling out the forms wrong and picking too many numbers. Dad's strategy was simple, yet elegant: he picked all the numbers on the sheet, figuring the winning combination would pop up in there somewhere. And every week he'd write another angry letter to the local paper about how he'd been cheated by the Irish Sweepstakes. It became a Hartwig family tradition, like singing Christmas fight songs and poaching turkeys.
Eventually the day did finally come when dad won the Irish Sweepstakes. Some think he just wore them down over the years. That evening, he gathered the Hartwig clan around his knee to tell us the news, and he related a heart-warming story of how this day had been his dream since he was a school boy and he had been required to read a short story called The Lottery. It was the only thing dad ever read while he was in school that wasn't scratched into a toilet stall, and it changed his life forever. Dad put on his hat and coat, kissed us goodbye, and promised to smile down on us from heaven as he skipped out the door.
Boy was he pissed when he came home later that day with a big bag full of money." º Last Column: Vikingº more columns | 
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Milestones1854: Alfred, Lord TennysonÃs ìCharge of the Light Brigadeî is published, giving Rok Finger a polished piece of poetry to mangle when heÃs drunk.Now HiringTreasury Secretary. Government position, includes benefits, pension, all federal holidays off. Responsibilities include advising on economic policies, having economic policies refused, and taking blame for failed economic policies. Ability to explain massive tax cuts in time of high military spending and unemployment a plus.Least-Anticipated Holiday Movies| 1. | Miracle in an Alley Behind 34th Street | | 2. | Walking in a Winter Wonderbra | | 3. | It Would Be a Wonderful Life if I WasnÃt So Suicidal | | 4. | Christ, itÃs Christmas Already | | 5. | Frosty the Snow Dealer | |
|   Voting Mishap Results in Decapitation of Democratic Gubernatorial Candidate BY roland mcshyster 11/11/2002 What's the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.
There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!
In Theaters
8 Miles of M&Ms
If I've said it before, that's one time I said it: I don't watch documentaries. They're always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or...
What's the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.
There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!
In Theaters
8 Miles of M&Ms
If I've said it before, that's one time I said it: I don't watch documentaries. They're always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or some film crew getting lost in the woods looking for a witch. But when a movie's good, it's good regardless, and 8 Miles of M&Ms is amazing! Allow me to get the obligatory quote for the commercial ball rolling by saying, " 8 Miles of M&Ms is a sure-fire Oscar contender—no, winner! Winner! It does for rap music and M&Ms what E.T. & T. did for phone companies and Reese's Pieces." Wow, that kicked ass. I'll expect my name to be included on the guest list for some of those Hollywood premieres from now on.
The Santa Clause 2
I was not a big fan of the first installment of this franchise, even though I love that Buzz Lightyear in almost anything. But this one is a big improvement. The whole premise of the movie—that Santa Claus spends his other 364 days as a trial lawyer in civil litigation suits—is pretty sketchy, but this one is livened up by a dramatic drinking problem as ol' Santa Claus proves even though he's a lawyer he can't pass a bar. Donner and Blitzen's intervention is a real tear-jerker, and not to ruin the ending or anything, but it's all worth watching just to see what that curmudgeony old judge gets in his stocking.
Punch-Drunk Love
Why can't everyone just leave Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston alone? Sure, she's a crack addict with a darling voice and he's a brutal, talentless lump who whips her ass like he's paid to do it, but I wouldn't want everybody sticking their nose into my private life if I married a more talented celebrity then started abusing her, driving her into drug abuse. As a film, the melodrama is in full effect, but you have to admit casting Adam Sandler was a brave choice, though I will always prefer Whitney's version of "The Bodyguard Song" to his.
I Spy
I hope somebody got his ass handed to him for this clunker of a movie. Remember when I said I wish Hollywood would try something daring and different? Well, I take it back, they should stick to formulaic and proven. When they try to do something new it's always crap like this, a 90-minute version of the famous car trip game. An hour and a half straight of a filmed trip to Wisconsin, and we're all supposed to have fun pointing out things on the screen and hoping our seat neighbors can guess it from our clues. Bump that! The good news is that the dismal failure of this one has resulted in Hollywood scrapping its planned film version of "The License Plate Game."
Femme Fatale
You know the Roland McShyster motto, "If it's French, don't see it"? I broke that rule of mine when I saw a poster for this one with that sexy Rebecca Romaine-Lettuce on it, and I'm glad I did. What a kick-ass movie! The French didn't screw this one up, amazingly enough. Sexy Steve Buscemi is a cyber geek whose girlish throw gets him routinely pounded on by a bunch of frat guys, until a magic genie (Rebecca whosits) turns things around. Now Steve can kill whoever gives him any backtalk, and he becomes an inspiring role model for all the geeks around him. I love it when jocks get the tables turned on them and creepy weirdoes end up with superhot model chicks.
That's a bag of movies, collected and finely crushed into powder by yours truly for your entertainment pleasure. But don't leave me to have all the fun, America! Get out there and see some movies of your own, or make them, if you have a friend. Just don't show them to me.   |
