Republican Majority Mandates Lobster Bibs for Democrats

Hazing, slander of Democrats top congressional priorities

November 11, 2002

Washington, D.C.

Ansel Evans

There's just no way to wear one of those things without looking like an asshole.

ess than a week after the Republican smack-down known as the 2002 election, giddy conservatives were chomping at the bit to address their priorities for the upcoming session of Congress. Saturday night, an after-hours weekend meeting and weenie roast for GOP Congressmen both incumbent and newly elect set the tone for the upcoming session. Among the top priorities addressed were mandatory lobster bibs for all Democrats, the implementation of segregated Democrat bathrooms down in the basement behind the boiler room, and the requirement that Democrats sing the teapot song before speaking during congressional debates.

"Well, those boys is some messy eaters, so we figured we'd help 'em out so they can keep their shirts clean," chuckled Senator Thad Cochran from Tennessee.

"The American people have spoken, or more importantly they scribbled in some little bubbles with a pencil, and they've sent a clear mandate about what they want to see in the next two years. Few can deny that Americans are clamoring to see Democrat Representatives with embarrassing words like 'Dickless' and 'Miss Thang' sunburned onto their chests while they are chased by bears on rollerskates. The American people suffered through a long ballot, they had to fill in a lot of pointless bubbles for judges and people they'd never heard of just to make the democracy machine work, and now we owe it to them to hold up our end of the bargain. Let me be the first to wield the spankin' paddle in the name of the American Way," announced Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas with a gleam in his eye.

When asked by a visibly concerned President Bush when Congress would find time to approve military action in Iraq, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott looked confused for a moment before replying.

"Ira-? Oh, right, right. Don't worry yourself, Dub. There'll be plenty of time for that after we pass this hilarious bill Orrin's been working on. Get this, we're going to have all of theâ€¦ Jesus, excuse me, it still cracks me up, we're gonna have all the Democrats carrying around these dog bowls with their names printed on them, to drink out of, you know. And whenever Moynihan goes off on one of his tangents, you know, like he does, I'm going to stand up and do the little pinky-finger thing, you know what I'm talking about. And I say 'Could someone please throw the Senator a frickin' bone here?' Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we're going to keep a few cases of dog biscuits on hand for everybody to throw at Moynihan when I say that. Shit, let me start over. This is going to be great."

Lott was cut off by Rep. Elect Saxby Chambliss of Georgia, who was doing an impression of a Democrat Congressman in the upcoming 2003 session.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout! I object!"

The gathered Congressmen erupted into laughter and applause, which rose another notch when Sen. Elect Jim Talent of Missouri shot milk out of his nose.

the commune news is a profoundly bipartisan organization that prides itself on giving equal coverage to both sides of the "Tastes Great/Less Filling" debate. Ivana Folger-Balzac is harder to get rid of than an Enron sweatshirt and has apparently outlasted the Japanese Mafia, who are entirely overrated.

Voting Mishap Results in Decapitation of Democratic Gubernatorial Candidate

Bill McBride killed by electronic voting booth, loses election

November 11, 2002

Tallahassee, Florida

Whit Pistol

An unnamed Florida election official examines the machine that killed Bill McBride for error. The machine reportedly had no problem registering the late McBride's vote.

hild, like Florida needed another election blunder!

Hot on the heels of Thursday's admission that 100,000 votes in Broward county went uncounted until Wednesday, it was revealed Friday that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bill McBride was actually killed by a voting booth.

McBride, a lawyer and political novice who ran unsuccessfully against Governor Jeb Bush, was voting in his home county when a reportedly faulty ballot machine handle swung back and beheaded the hopeful Democrat. It was not revealed if the unlucky son of a bitch was voting for himself or his opponent.

"We would have mentioned it sooner," said election official Marjoe Ramsey, "but we figured everyone had bad enough news to deal with, what with the Republicans winning everything."

"Andâ€¦?" said an older woman standing nearby, possibly Ramsey's mother.

Ramsey continued, "And we thought we'd get hollered at."

The dead Democrat fuck-up comes at a particularly bad time for Florida, still the butt of everyone's jokes after being the focus of the 2000 catastrophe that left George W. Bush the "winner" of that election. Florida's problems with computer-based ballots early this year proved voting errors were still possible, and the loss of 100,000 uncounted votes in Broward county was yet another screw-up that resulted in somebody's ass getting fired and leaving Florida unreliable to do in the future what 49 other states (and the District of Columbia) seem to have no problem with.

"Bill McBride was a good Democrat, and probably a good person," said McBride's primary opponent and possible drag queen Janet Reno. "It's a shame this had to happen to him. But if you're not tough enough for the voting booth, maybe you're not tough enough for Florida. I can't believe he ran against me! I could've beaten Jeb Bush. 'Jeb Bush.' Pussy silver spoon-chewing vote-hiding queerbait."

Jeb Bush, Florida governor and presidential brother, was told of the voting irregularities Friday and acted dismayed.

"Damn! Sorry to hear about that. I would have won anyway, you know." Bush shook his head and made a huffing noise. "I suppose now I know why I never got a concession phone call or nothing. Darn shame, folks. My condolences go out to his family, and to anyone else possibly killed voting, not to mention all the Jews and old folks whose votes and stuff got lost or misplaced. I guarantee all of these voting problems in Florida will be taken care of before I become president."

Plans for funeral arrangements for McBride are yet to be made, but expected to be carried out by next weekend. Currently Florida election officials are still searching polling places for the head. If found, please mail it to the Florida Electoral College or take it directly to Governor Jeb Bush.

the commune news is all news and lemon-scented. Stigmata Spent is tall, leggy, and all womanly man, babyâ€”cast your vote for strong and sexy.

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around

November 11, 2002

Lottery

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"A wise man once said: 'It takes a fool to win the lottery.'

Wait, no. That's not right. In retrospect I think it was 'It takes a fool to get into pottery.' That's it. And that man was my father. Dad hated pottery, ever since he was kicked out of high school for pushing a potter's wheel out a third-story window, which landed on the school's mascot. That red-painted mouse never recovered from the head trauma it received in the incident. After that day, dad never forgave mice or the entire field of pottery for his failure to receive an education.

But the one thing dad did love, besides his family and possibly my brother Goose, was the lottery. Every week he'd buy as many tickets for the Irish Sweepstakes as the Hartwig family grocery money would allow, and every week he guaranteed us a victory. And, every week he'd lose on a technicality that involved filling out the forms wrong and picking too many numbers. Dad's strategy was simple, yet elegant: he picked all the numbers on the sheet, figuring the winning combination would pop up in there somewhere. And every week he'd write another angry letter to the local paper about how he'd been cheated by the Irish Sweepstakes. It became a Hartwig family tradition, like singing Christmas fight songs and poaching turkeys.

Eventually the day did finally come when dad won the Irish Sweepstakes. Some think he just wore them down over the years. That evening, he gathered the Hartwig clan around his knee to tell us the news, and he related a heart-warming story of how this day had been his dream since he was a school boy and he had been required to read a short story called The Lottery. It was the only thing dad ever read while he was in school that wasn't scratched into a toilet stall, and it changed his life forever. Dad put on his hat and coat, kissed us goodbye, and promised to smile down on us from heaven as he skipped out the door.

Boy was he pissed when he came home later that day with a big bag full of money."

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Quote of the Day

“Ask not what your country can do for you; cuz trust me, you ain't gonna get shit that way.”

-John Fitzpatrick Kentucky

Fortune 500 Cookie

Organization is the key to surviving life's travails. Try sorting your problems large to small, then run like hell. Nobody can stand your face, voice or odor, but on the upside, everyone likes your car. This week's lucky ways to die: hanging plus drowning, three-year diarrhea, shop 'til you drop, the summertime blues.

Try again later.

Top Surprising Oscar Snubs

1.	Yentle 2: Yentler
2.	The Berenstain Bears Don't Care
3.	The Diary of Al Franken
4.	assBUSHhole: An Empire in Decline
5.	Jamie Foxx in Socks

Sniper Supsects Appear in Court Looking Like Shit

BY roland mcshyster

11/11/2002

What's the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.

There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!

In Theaters

8 Miles of M&Ms

If I've said it before, that's one time I said it: I don't watch documentaries. They're always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or...