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November 11, 2002   
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homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Republican Majority Mandates Lobster Bibs for Democrats

Hazing, slander of Democrats top congressional priorities
November 11, 2002
Washington, D.C.
Ansel Evans
There's just no way to wear one of those things without looking like an asshole.
L
ess than a week after the Republican smack-down known as the 2002 election, giddy conservatives were chomping at the bit to address their priorities for the upcoming session of Congress. Saturday night, an after-hours weekend meeting and weenie roast for GOP Congressmen both incumbent and newly elect set the tone for the upcoming session. Among the top priorities addressed were mandatory lobster bibs for all Democrats, the implementation of segregated Democrat bathrooms down in the basement behind the boiler room, and the requirement that Democrats sing the teapot song before speaking during congressional debates.

"Well, those boys is some messy eaters, so we figured we'd help 'em out so they can keep their shirts clean," chuckled Senator Thad Cochran from Tennessee.
Read more...

Voting Mishap Results in Decapitation of Democratic Gubernatorial Candidate

Bill McBride killed by electronic voting booth, loses election
November 11, 2002
Tallahassee, Florida
Whit Pistol
An unnamed Florida election official examines the machine that killed Bill McBride for error. The machine reportedly had no problem registering the late McBride's vote.
C
hild, like Florida needed another election blunder!

Hot on the heels of Thursday's admission that 100,000 votes in Broward county went uncounted until Wednesday, it was revealed Friday that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bill McBride was actually killed by a voting booth.

McBride, a lawyer and political novice who ran unsuccessfully against Governor Jeb Bush, was voting in his home county when a reportedly faulty ballot machine handle swung back and beheaded the hopeful Democrat. It was not revealed if the unlucky son of a bitch was voting for himself or his opponent.

"We would have mentioned it sooner," said election official Marjoe Ramsey, "but we figured everyone had bad enough news to deal with, what with the Republicans winning everything....Read more...

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



November 11, 2002
Click for Biography

Lottery

"A wise man once said: 'It takes a fool to win the lottery.'

Wait, no. That's not right. In retrospect I think it was 'It takes a fool to get into pottery.' That's it. And that man was my father. Dad hated pottery, ever since he was kicked out of high school for pushing a potter's wheel out a third-story window, which landed on the school's mascot. That red-painted mouse never recovered from the head trauma it received in the incident. After that day, dad never forgave mice or the entire field of pottery for his failure to receive an education.

But the one thing dad did love, besides his family and possibly my brother Goose, was the lottery. Every week he'd buy as many tickets for the Irish Sweepstakes as the Hartwig family grocery money would allow, and every wee...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Seek not greatness, but seek truth and you will find both. If, however, you find a bag that looks like oregano, it's mine. I mean, if the cops ask you, it's not mine, but I am totally holding it for a friend of mine.”

-Ron Horsemann
Fortune 500 Cookie
Another day, another dollar—you should really quit the migrant worker biz for a job where you can make more than a buck a day. Fans of sweaty three-ways with lesbians rejoice, they'll have your video in stock this Thursday. I've been smelling beans all day. That can't be just me. Lucky Lucianos will be Angelo, Salvatore, Emilio, and Gary.


Try again later.
How Did Rat Poison Get in Food for Dogs & Cats?
1.Particularly sly British mouse known only as Nigel
2.Adult illiteracy: Secret shame of the pet food industry
3.Turned back for one minute; Islamic fundamentalists cats & dogs go shithouse on production line
4.Mislabeled bags were manufactured for special Ted Nugent brand of pet food
5.One man determined to get the fucking dog to play dead already
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Sniper Supsects Appear in Court Looking Like Shit

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
11/11/2002
What's the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.

There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!



In Theaters



8 Miles of M&Ms

If I've said it before, that's one time I said it: I don't watch documentaries. They're always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or...Read more...