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November 11, 2002   
Rotten fruit of the gods
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Scientists Discover Massive Burrito at Center of Galaxy

Unexpected entrée sets off grumble in tummy of astronomical community
October 28, 2002
Marquette, Michigan
Imagining Dept.
The space burrito, if of the breakfast variety, could decide the "chicken vs. the egg" debate forever. Unless there’s a massive space chicken someplace.
A
stronomers at Michigan’s Northern Peninsula Basalt College went public today with observations made near the cloudy heart of the Milky Way Galaxy, which have indicated with near certainty the existence of a massive central space burrito, a theoretical Mexican entrée that had previously eluded detection.

"I was staying late in the lab one night, after everybody else had gone home," stated the lab’s head astronomer, Bruce Coltrane. "And I was getting pretty tired and hungry so I was about to shut off the telescopes and get some late-night BBQ when I caught sight of something on the screen that didn’t seem quite right."

"At first I thought somebody must’ve taped another one of those pictures cut out of a Maxim to the screen, since the guys are pretty funny ...Read more...

Sniper Perpetuates Exciting New Muslim Stereotypes

Old negative typecasting replaced by brand new negative images
October 28, 2002
Rockville, Maryland
Whit Pistol/AP
Police search the vehicle belonging to daring new stereotype and alleged sniper John Allen Muhammad. The picture of the gun is for shits and giggles.
R
eligious differences again proved insurmountable, this time in the case of the pair of snipers who terrorized the east coast of the United States with a string of fatal attacks that left ten dead and countless others terrified to walk in a straight line to work or school.

The suspects arrested for the crimes, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, were like a Sanford & Son for the Guns and Ammo set, spending years of their lives as desperate loners together, acting for reasons not yet known to the public as they killed random victims and threatened the United States, requesting the reasonable extortion fee of $10 million to cease their terror. While little is known about the suspects, it is known that Muhammad, a Muslim, has done a bang-up job in putting a positive fo...Read more...

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



November 11, 2002
Click for Biography

I Just Wanted a Card That Said "Sorry For Kicking Your Grandma in the Kidneys"

the commune's Mitch Kroeger is lost in the greeting card aisle
Hallmark is going down. Ask yourself, where are they when you really need them? All I wanted was a card that said "Sorry for Kicking Your Grandma in the Kidneys," was that too much to ask? Apparently so. Time and time again Hallmark has left me high and dry to draw up my own cards of one stick figure putting the boot-stomp on another, or a cat getting sucked into a lawnmower. God knows I can't draw, and thanks to my inept doodles I think my cards often confuse the situation more than they help it. And I always misspell "convalescence." It's embarrassing.

I guess Hallmark just caters to the goody two-shoes religious minority out there who never need cards that explain honestly confusing a schoolyard with an archery range. That's fine if it makes them feel good about themselves,...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”

-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054
Fortune 500 Cookie
Now's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.

Try again later.
Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore
1.It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time
2.You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters
3.All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more
4.Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel
5.You never loved us
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Future Bob Fails to Prevent Senator's Death

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
10/28/2002
Hello hello, America!


Boy have we got some nipples for you this week! I ca- nipples? You know what I mean, America, movies. Weird. Some people think it's significant when you nip out like that, ma- slip up, nip rocks, whatever. It's not like this is a column about taut, hairy man-nipples or anything. Woman! Woman nipples. Hairless and soft. I mean, it's not about that either, but if this column were about nipples, it sure as hell wouldn't be about any tempting, salty, lickable man nipples. Gross.


All right, let's get to the boobies before somebody gets hurt.


In Theaters



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Ford loves to kiss its own ass over the fact that they present the hit drama ...Read more...