stronomers at Michigan’s Northern Peninsula Basalt College went public today with observations made near the cloudy heart of the Milky Way Galaxy, which have indicated with near certainty the existence of a massive central space burrito, a theoretical Mexican entrée that had previously eluded detection.

"I was staying late in the lab one night, after everybody else had gone home," stated the lab’s head astronomer, Bruce Coltrane. "And I was getting pretty tired and hungry so I was about to shut off the telescopes and get some late-night BBQ when I caught sight of something on the screen that didn’t seem quite right."

"At first I thought somebody must’ve taped another one of those pictures cut out of a Maxim to the screen, since the guys are pretty funny about that kind of stuff. I could tell you stories about the time we thought we found Carmen Electra orbiting Chiron. What a crazy week! But this time, when I checked closer, it couldn’t be denied. We were dealing with the genuine article here. I caught my breath, looked closer, and fuck a duck, man! That thing’s a giant burrito!"

"And then I laughed, ’cause, man, what a crazy thing to say! Shiiit."

"Bruce is the man. If he said he saw a gigantic burrito 500 times the size of the sun out in the middle of the Milky Way, then that’s good enough for me," said fellow astronomer and goatee advocate Mark Fitch. "Sign me up for the Burrito Cult or whatever the deal’s going to be now. I’ll put on the velcro sneakers and drink the blue Kool-Aid when the burrito swings by the earth to pick up the true believers. Fuck it, man, whatever."

Since having its state funding cut in 1994, Northern Peninsula Basalt College’s astronomy program has led the nation in startling astronomical discoveries. Among those include Animal Planet, Orion’s Tits and the St. Bernard of Delta 7.

When asked what he thinks of the astronomy community’s opinion of the Northern Peninsula Basalt astronomy department, Fitch was philsophical. "Eh, fuck ’em. What do they know, with their giant telescopes and their fancy degrees and all that noise? Without street smarts, all that shit is useless anyway."

"As far as I know, this is the first time someone’s found anything like this," offered Coltrane. "I mean, they’ve probably found Mexican food out in space before, but this big? Tacquitos, maybe. And what if they found one like a million years ago, before anybody knew what a burrito was? What would they call it? A space tube? And back then they didn’t have big-assed telescopes like we’ve got now. They might have mistaken it for a Chimichanga. Maybe? Make that probably."

"It might be difficult for the layman to understand how such a thing could exist. But trust me when I say that the universe is full of all kinds of strange and mysterious shwag," continued Coltrane, backed by a poster of Copernicus smoking the moon in a water bong.

Fitch and Coltrane were wary of careless speculation, but both agreed that a manned mission to explore the burrito was practically inevitable.

"Who knows what mysteries could be wrapped up in that tortilla?" pondered Coltrane. "Like, how many layers has that thing got? And does it have guacamole? I hate guacamole. But who made it, and why haven’t they eaten it yet? That’s one to blow your mind. But even just on the practical level, we’ve got to get some guys up there. We’re talking beans the size of foreign cars. Poor people could live in those things, and then eat their houses."

Fitch agreed, as he licked his lips and distractedly eyed the heavens.

eligious differences again proved insurmountable, this time in the case of the pair of snipers who terrorized the east coast of the United States with a string of fatal attacks that left ten dead and countless others terrified to walk in a straight line to work or school.

The suspects arrested for the crimes, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, were like a Sanford & Son for the Guns and Ammo set, spending years of their lives as desperate loners together, acting for reasons not yet known to the public as they killed random victims and threatened the United States, requesting the reasonable extortion fee of $10 million to cease their terror. While little is known about the suspects, it is known that Muhammad, a Muslim, has done a bang-up job in putting a positive foot forward for the Islamic community.

"Oh, goody," said President of the Positive Islam Group (PIG) Al-Abib Farouzi, "at last, a Muslim making the news who is not a foreign terrorist. This is more than we could have hoped for."

According to PIG, Muhammad has managed to break the usual American stereotype of Muslims who live in faraway third-world countries who wish death on America and commit gigantic acts of terrorism.

"Now when people think of Muslims," said Farouzi, "they'll know that in addition to the foreign-born terrorists moving around them, Muslims can also be van-driving serial killers who strike without apparent motivation and prey on anybody who makes an easy shot."

Muhammad, in his two-man tirade of raining bullets, has challenged post-September 11th stereotypes of domestic Muslims being normal Americans with no desire to kill or harm in any way. He has also reminded most Americans, who are quick to assume security in the areas they live, that danger doesn't only lurk in air travel or opening strange envelopes, but can come from anywhere at any time. Death is only a random bullet away.

"Thank you, Mr. Muhammad," said 24-year-old Maryland college student Marjorie Block. "I had previously begun to speculate maybe the anger Muslims feel toward the United States was possibly politically motivated due to unwanted government intervention in countries we had financial stakes in—I now foolishly see that Muslims just want money. Or they hate people walking around without flak jackets and helmets."

The negative Muslim images couldn't have come at a worse time for Islamic Americans, who were beginning to make a dent in negative Muslim images in the wake of the United States' War on Terror and the possibility of war with Iraq. Plans to add an Islamic muppet to Sesame Street have been stalled in the wake of the sniper arrest and ABC has dropped a mid-season pilot for My Six Wives and Kids, a Muslim sitcom.

"We have worked diligently at improving the perception of Muslims in the United States, domestic and abroad," PIG President Farouzi later stated. "And our hard work has been brought down by another brazen asshole. Thanks, dickhead—any other negative racial or religious stereotypes you'd like to perpetuate, as long as you're up?"

What a load of misrepresentation. I hate to say this, it makes me sound like I've grown cynical in my slightly older young age, but I think advertising is getting deceptive.

Don't worry, I'm not the kind to lobby charges without producing some slim shred of evidence. In this case, let's talk about The Sims and its expansion pack follow-up, The Sims Unleashed. I bought The Sims a long time ago because the idea of being someone else was sort of appealing. Unfortunately, being my Sims wasn't much better than being me. No doubt I created masterpieces of Sim construction, a self-inspired female former child star Sim named Cloretta, and several male Sims who share the house with her like Conan O'Brien, George Clooney, Flat Chest lead singer Dill Warner, Vince Vaughn, and Hugh Grant. The problem isn't my Sim-creating, it's the game itself, which fails to live up to my expectations of how people I created would live life.

It's sadly true—these Sims just want to buy stuff and eat and take baths and talk to each other. Wow, what fun, she sarcastically stated. I can eat and take baths in my world! I get enough talk throughout the day, with, "Clarissa, your payment is overdue," and "Clarissa, I'd like to take a biopsy of this mole." I want my Sims to really live! Sexy-like, I mean.

Obviously I was excited when I saw the new expansion pack come out, Sims Unleashed! (exclamation point added by me). I was like, finally! Now my Sims will give up their ridiculous hang-ups like wearing pants around the house and only allowing two into a bed at a time. Well, "unleashed," what would you think? It should mean that my Sims are finally freed of the limitations of computer programs and allowed to emulate real human behavior. But no, not my Sims, thank you, deceptive advertising.

Turns out all the expansion pack does is give you the option to buy pets. I suppose that's what they meant by the commercial I saw over and over, but they played on my expectations with that dog humping the lady Sim's leg. Hey, I'm not into that kind of thing myself, I thought, but if they can do that kind of degenerate thing then they can surely do a few Kama Sutra positions in stunning high-res imagery. Nope, no changes at all in my Sims' sexual behavior, they just have dogs now. And the commercial was complete crap because I can't get any of my pets to hump legs or each other. Maybe there's a hot-key to do it or something, but it's not in the book and the technical support help line only laughs and puts me on speaker phone.

Is it too much to ask that my Sims live a life at least as interesting as mine? If we were keeping score and, what do you know, I happen to have some scores scribbled on post-it notes, the score would be Clarissa 2 threesomes and 1 orgy and Sims nil. And nil is not some exciting sex slang for a position like "nipples impressed on legs," it's dictionary slang for nothing.

I just want my computer games to keep up with the times, especially mine, and my times are hot and sexy and they aren't worried about working "jobs" and stomping roaches, and that's all my Sims do. And another complaint, my Elvis Presley Sim was killed in a kitchen fire after apparently trying to fry up some late-night banana sandwiches before I put a smoke alarm in. Can't I revive him in some way? It doesn't seem fair we can bring people back from the dead in the real world and can't do it in the lousy game. And I do mean lousy game. Thanks for nothing, Sims dudes.

º Last Column: Clarissa Coleman Re-Invented
º more columns