eligious differences again proved insurmountable, this time in the case of the pair of snipers who terrorized the east coast of the United States with a string of fatal attacks that left ten dead and countless others terrified to walk in a straight line to work or school.

The suspects arrested for the crimes, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, were like a Sanford & Son for the Guns and Ammo set, spending years of their lives as desperate loners together, acting for reasons not yet known to the public as they killed random victims and threatened the United States, requesting the reasonable extortion fee of $10 million to cease their terror. While little is known about the suspects, it is known that Muhammad, a Muslim, has done a bang-up job in putting a positive foot forward for the Islamic community.

"Oh, goody," said President of the Positive Islam Group (PIG) Al-Abib Farouzi, "at last, a Muslim making the news who is not a foreign terrorist. This is more than we could have hoped for."

According to PIG, Muhammad has managed to break the usual American stereotype of Muslims who live in faraway third-world countries who wish death on America and commit gigantic acts of terrorism.

"Now when people think of Muslims," said Farouzi, "they'll know that in addition to the foreign-born terrorists moving around them, Muslims can also be van-driving serial killers who strike without apparent motivation and prey on anybody who makes an easy shot."

Muhammad, in his two-man tirade of raining bullets, has challenged post-September 11th stereotypes of domestic Muslims being normal Americans with no desire to kill or harm in any way. He has also reminded most Americans, who are quick to assume security in the areas they live, that danger doesn't only lurk in air travel or opening strange envelopes, but can come from anywhere at any time. Death is only a random bullet away.

"Thank you, Mr. Muhammad," said 24-year-old Maryland college student Marjorie Block. "I had previously begun to speculate maybe the anger Muslims feel toward the United States was possibly politically motivated due to unwanted government intervention in countries we had financial stakes in—I now foolishly see that Muslims just want money. Or they hate people walking around without flak jackets and helmets."

The negative Muslim images couldn't have come at a worse time for Islamic Americans, who were beginning to make a dent in negative Muslim images in the wake of the United States' War on Terror and the possibility of war with Iraq. Plans to add an Islamic muppet to Sesame Street have been stalled in the wake of the sniper arrest and ABC has dropped a mid-season pilot for My Six Wives and Kids, a Muslim sitcom.

"We have worked diligently at improving the perception of Muslims in the United States, domestic and abroad," PIG President Farouzi later stated. "And our hard work has been brought down by another brazen asshole. Thanks, dickhead—any other negative racial or religious stereotypes you'd like to perpetuate, as long as you're up?"

onfound it all!

Anger and severe frustration were the mood Monday, October 31—Halloween—2005 when Future Bob checked his notes for things to do and realized he had forgotten to prevent the death of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone.

Wellstone, a passionate former college professor and left-leaning Democratic Senator from Minnesota, was killed in October, 2002 in some sort of plane crash that also claimed the lives of members of his family and those aboard the plane. The details are long since lost to the ravages of time to 2005-dwelling Future Bob.

Prevention of the plane crash was on Future Bob's "to-do" list in the year 2005, though like many other events of that year have been unfortunately forgotten in time to change the future. Future Bob, as you may or may not know in 2002, has extensive bills and has to work two regular jobs in addition to his charitable contributions to the commune.

Had Wellstone's death been prevented, as per Future Bob's plans, the key Senate race in Minnesota could have been won by the Democrat and prevented Republican control of Congress and the White House in 2003, which of course led to several dark moments in recent American history such as the revoking of the 4^th Amendment and the passage of the "Sell the Homeless into Slavery Act of 2004."

With Wellstone's survival, a better period was possible for those crucial years of American history. Wellstone could have won re-election and unmasked his Senate opponent former St. Paul mayor Norm Coleman as the evil KGB mole Dmitri Raszokoff. As it stands now, history is unchanged and Coleman will not be revealed until the great Soviet Reunion of 2005.

Among other items on Future Bob's long list of regretfully-unchanged history: The Sept. 11^th attacks, a reign of terror by a trio of snipers, Will Ferrell leaving the cast of Saturday Night Live, the election of George W. "Nightmare" Bush, the release of Britney Spears' Oops… I Did it Again album, and several type-Os in his last commune article that weren't corrected.

To Future Bob's credit, he did prevent the noxious gas attack of December, 2001; the death of celebrity Tom Cruise at the hands of a gay lover; and the publication of Oprah Winfrey's Sex book.

Future Bob extends his deepest sympathies and sorrows to Wellstone's family, friends, and constituents, and hopes he can do more in the past (your future) to change history for the better. Please do not bog him down with e-mails questioning why he cannot change the past at any point in time from where he is now, it is a miserable experience trying to explain how the timeline and time travel works and it costs a lot of money to keep his futuristic past-broadcasting ham radio operating.

Once again, Future Bob is called upon to report to Long John Silver's for his first shift. Until next time, guard the country like the future depends on it—mine does. Future Bob signing off.

What a load of misrepresentation. I hate to say this, it makes me sound like I've grown cynical in my slightly older young age, but I think advertising is getting deceptive.

Don't worry, I'm not the kind to lobby charges without producing some slim shred of evidence. In this case, let's talk about The Sims and its expansion pack follow-up, The Sims Unleashed. I bought The Sims a long time ago because the idea of being someone else was sort of appealing. Unfortunately, being my Sims wasn't much better than being me. No doubt I created masterpieces of Sim construction, a self-inspired female former child star Sim named Cloretta, and several male Sims who share the house with her like Conan O'Brien, George Clooney, Flat Chest lead singer Dill Warner, Vince Vaughn, and Hugh Grant. The problem isn't my Sim-creating, it's the game itself, which fails to live up to my expectations of how people I created would live life.

It's sadly true—these Sims just want to buy stuff and eat and take baths and talk to each other. Wow, what fun, she sarcastically stated. I can eat and take baths in my world! I get enough talk throughout the day, with, "Clarissa, your payment is overdue," and "Clarissa, I'd like to take a biopsy of this mole." I want my Sims to really live! Sexy-like, I mean.

Obviously I was excited when I saw the new expansion pack come out, Sims Unleashed! (exclamation point added by me). I was like, finally! Now my Sims will give up their ridiculous hang-ups like wearing pants around the house and only allowing two into a bed at a time. Well, "unleashed," what would you think? It should mean that my Sims are finally freed of the limitations of computer programs and allowed to emulate real human behavior. But no, not my Sims, thank you, deceptive advertising.

Turns out all the expansion pack does is give you the option to buy pets. I suppose that's what they meant by the commercial I saw over and over, but they played on my expectations with that dog humping the lady Sim's leg. Hey, I'm not into that kind of thing myself, I thought, but if they can do that kind of degenerate thing then they can surely do a few Kama Sutra positions in stunning high-res imagery. Nope, no changes at all in my Sims' sexual behavior, they just have dogs now. And the commercial was complete crap because I can't get any of my pets to hump legs or each other. Maybe there's a hot-key to do it or something, but it's not in the book and the technical support help line only laughs and puts me on speaker phone.

Is it too much to ask that my Sims live a life at least as interesting as mine? If we were keeping score and, what do you know, I happen to have some scores scribbled on post-it notes, the score would be Clarissa 2 threesomes and 1 orgy and Sims nil. And nil is not some exciting sex slang for a position like "nipples impressed on legs," it's dictionary slang for nothing.

I just want my computer games to keep up with the times, especially mine, and my times are hot and sexy and they aren't worried about working "jobs" and stomping roaches, and that's all my Sims do. And another complaint, my Elvis Presley Sim was killed in a kitchen fire after apparently trying to fry up some late-night banana sandwiches before I put a smoke alarm in. Can't I revive him in some way? It doesn't seem fair we can bring people back from the dead in the real world and can't do it in the lousy game. And I do mean lousy game. Thanks for nothing, Sims dudes.

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