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Sniper Perpetuates Exciting New Muslim StereotypesOld negative typecasting replaced by brand new negative images October 28, 2002 |
Rockville, Maryland Whit Pistol/AP Police search the vehicle belonging to daring new stereotype and alleged sniper John Allen Muhammad. The picture of the gun is for shits and giggles.
The suspects arrested for the crimes, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, were like a Sanford & Son for the Guns and Ammo set, spending years of their lives as desperate loners together, acting for reasons not yet known to the public as they killed random victims and threatened the United States, requesting the reasonable extortion fee of $10 million to cease their terror. While little is known about the suspects, it is known that Muhammad, a Muslim, has done a bang-up job in putting a positive fo...
eligious differences again proved insurmountable, this time in the case of the pair of snipers who terrorized the east coast of the United States with a string of fatal attacks that left ten dead and countless others terrified to walk in a straight line to work or school.
The suspects arrested for the crimes, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, were like a Sanford & Son for the Guns and Ammo set, spending years of their lives as desperate loners together, acting for reasons not yet known to the public as they killed random victims and threatened the United States, requesting the reasonable extortion fee of $10 million to cease their terror. While little is known about the suspects, it is known that Muhammad, a Muslim, has done a bang-up job in putting a positive foot forward for the Islamic community.
"Oh, goody," said President of the Positive Islam Group (PIG) Al-Abib Farouzi, "at last, a Muslim making the news who is not a foreign terrorist. This is more than we could have hoped for."
According to PIG, Muhammad has managed to break the usual American stereotype of Muslims who live in faraway third-world countries who wish death on America and commit gigantic acts of terrorism.
"Now when people think of Muslims," said Farouzi, "they'll know that in addition to the foreign-born terrorists moving around them, Muslims can also be van-driving serial killers who strike without apparent motivation and prey on anybody who makes an easy shot."
Muhammad, in his two-man tirade of raining bullets, has challenged post-September 11th stereotypes of domestic Muslims being normal Americans with no desire to kill or harm in any way. He has also reminded most Americans, who are quick to assume security in the areas they live, that danger doesn't only lurk in air travel or opening strange envelopes, but can come from anywhere at any time. Death is only a random bullet away.
"Thank you, Mr. Muhammad," said 24-year-old Maryland college student Marjorie Block. "I had previously begun to speculate maybe the anger Muslims feel toward the United States was possibly politically motivated due to unwanted government intervention in countries we had financial stakes in—I now foolishly see that Muslims just want money. Or they hate people walking around without flak jackets and helmets."
The negative Muslim images couldn't have come at a worse time for Islamic Americans, who were beginning to make a dent in negative Muslim images in the wake of the United States' War on Terror and the possibility of war with Iraq. Plans to add an Islamic muppet to Sesame Street have been stalled in the wake of the sniper arrest and ABC has dropped a mid-season pilot for My Six Wives and Kids, a Muslim sitcom.
"We have worked diligently at improving the perception of Muslims in the United States, domestic and abroad," PIG President Farouzi later stated. "And our hard work has been brought down by another brazen asshole. Thanks, dickhead—any other negative racial or religious stereotypes you'd like to perpetuate, as long as you're up?" the commune news is halfway through reading the Koran right now—don't you dare tell us how it ends! Raoul Dunkin is the king of sarcasm around here… at least, we think he is—it's hard to tell if he's being sarcastic or not when he says that.
 | Future Bob Fails to Prevent Senator's DeathBusy schedule impedes time-altering intervention in 2005 October 28, 2002 |
The Future, TIME Junior Bacon (inset: Future Webcam) A solemn scene at an impromptu memorial for the late Sen. Wellstone... which could have been erased from history with better time-management skills by Future Bob (inset).
Anger and severe frustration were the mood Monday, October 31—Halloween—2005 when Future Bob checked his notes for things to do and realized he had forgotten to prevent the death of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone.
Wellstone, a passionate former college professor and left-leaning Democratic Senator from Minnesota, was killed in October, 2002 in some sort of plane crash that also claimed the lives of members of his family and those aboard the plane. The details are long since lost to the ravages of time to 2005-dwelling Future Bob.
Prevention of the plane crash was on Future Bob's "to-do" list in the year 2005, though like many other events of that year have been unfortunately forgotten in time to change the future. Future Bob, ...
onfound it all!
Anger and severe frustration were the mood Monday, October 31—Halloween—2005 when Future Bob checked his notes for things to do and realized he had forgotten to prevent the death of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone.
Wellstone, a passionate former college professor and left-leaning Democratic Senator from Minnesota, was killed in October, 2002 in some sort of plane crash that also claimed the lives of members of his family and those aboard the plane. The details are long since lost to the ravages of time to 2005-dwelling Future Bob.
Prevention of the plane crash was on Future Bob's "to-do" list in the year 2005, though like many other events of that year have been unfortunately forgotten in time to change the future. Future Bob, as you may or may not know in 2002, has extensive bills and has to work two regular jobs in addition to his charitable contributions to the commune.
Had Wellstone's death been prevented, as per Future Bob's plans, the key Senate race in Minnesota could have been won by the Democrat and prevented Republican control of Congress and the White House in 2003, which of course led to several dark moments in recent American history such as the revoking of the 4 th Amendment and the passage of the "Sell the Homeless into Slavery Act of 2004."
With Wellstone's survival, a better period was possible for those crucial years of American history. Wellstone could have won re-election and unmasked his Senate opponent former St. Paul mayor Norm Coleman as the evil KGB mole Dmitri Raszokoff. As it stands now, history is unchanged and Coleman will not be revealed until the great Soviet Reunion of 2005.
Among other items on Future Bob's long list of regretfully-unchanged history: The Sept. 11 th attacks, a reign of terror by a trio of snipers, Will Ferrell leaving the cast of Saturday Night Live, the election of George W. "Nightmare" Bush, the release of Britney Spears' Oops… I Did it Again album, and several type-Os in his last commune article that weren't corrected.
To Future Bob's credit, he did prevent the noxious gas attack of December, 2001; the death of celebrity Tom Cruise at the hands of a gay lover; and the publication of Oprah Winfrey's Sex book.
Future Bob extends his deepest sympathies and sorrows to Wellstone's family, friends, and constituents, and hopes he can do more in the past (your future) to change history for the better. Please do not bog him down with e-mails questioning why he cannot change the past at any point in time from where he is now, it is a miserable experience trying to explain how the timeline and time travel works and it costs a lot of money to keep his futuristic past-broadcasting ham radio operating.
Once again, Future Bob is called upon to report to Long John Silver's for his first shift. Until next time, guard the country like the future depends on it—mine does. Future Bob signing off. the commune news can neither confirm nor deny Future Bob is actually from the future, but if we didn't believe it we wouldn't publish it; or perhaps we would, who knows, we're crazy that way. Future Bob would really appreciate if someone would buy some stock that's about to go through the roof for him, or failing that, bury a box of money in the future site of his apartment.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 October 28, 2002 Volume 28dear commune:
you guys rock the block, and I mean that sincerely. sometimes I wish I was a part of the commune staff, participating in wacky hijinx on a daily basis and being the butt of hilarious jokes. also, have you guys ever thought of coming out with special edition commune-flavored candy bars? I'd buy them, for sure. sometimes reading the site isn't enough, I really want to eat the commune. just a thought.
Loel Lumley
Asphalt, NV
Dear Loel:
Thank you for your kind letter. Knowing we have touched a life so dearly is the fuel that keeps us going here at the commune, like what propane is for a gas-huffing redneck. We appreciate your support and look forward to bringing you your favorite commune features for years to come....
º Last Column: Volume 27
º more columns
dear commune: you guys rock the block, and I mean that sincerely. sometimes I wish I was a part of the commune staff, participating in wacky hijinx on a daily basis and being the butt of hilarious jokes. also, have you guys ever thought of coming out with special edition commune-flavored candy bars? I'd buy them, for sure. sometimes reading the site isn't enough, I really want to eat the commune. just a thought. Loel Lumley
Asphalt, NVDear Loel:
Thank you for your kind letter. Knowing we have touched a life so dearly is the fuel that keeps us going here at the commune, like what propane is for a gas-huffing redneck. We appreciate your support and look forward to bringing you your favorite commune features for years to come.
That being said, are you fucking retarded or something? I mean, were you dropped on your head before your skull hardened or were you just born this way? Jesus H. Christ riding a dildo-shaped dinosaur, I mean, come on! We've received some stupid suggestions in our day, most of them from our Editor Red Bagel, but we're pretty sure you've just squeezed yours out right on the very top of the shit pile. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've clearly got shit for brains.
Thanks again for your letter, and keep reading the commune!
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anything that ever happened on a Tuesday. We don't even answer the phones on Tuesday. Tuesday is our "hanging loose" day and if you're not hip to that, well, you can just find yourself a new online best friend. Though if you do decide to go that way, could you wait until Wednesday to let us know about it? Because of Tuesday being, well, you know, and all. Thanks.º Last Column: Volume 27º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“I have not yet begun to finish my senten…”
-John Paul JonesFortune 500 CookieEverything’s looking up this week, to avoid making eye contact with you. At long last it has become clear that your master’s degree in goat teasing was a total waste of time. Everyone knows sneezing into your sleeve is just good manners, you should try the same when you break wind. On the bright side, we showed a picture of you to a time-traveler who stopped by the office last week, and he said "Oh Jesus, that guy?" so apparently you’re well-known in the future. This week’s lucky gadgets: HP iPlaid (launching next week on clearance), Samsung MySlate laptop-sized smartphone, iRobot Chippy: Autonomous Quadrotor Personal Killdrone, Sonicareless dental apathy kit, Windows 7 Phone in Bluescreen Blue.
Try again later.Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips| 1. | Carbs are like the devil’s penis: Delicious but fattening. | | 2. | After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich. | | 3. | Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, you’ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you won’t be so upset when you find out you’re still fat. | | 4. | You’re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day. | | 5. | At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant. | |
|   Harry Belafonte: Colin Powell a "Tallyman, Tally Me Bananas" BY macy gimballs 10/28/2002 Girl, Writer's BlockedIt was in the summer of 1984 that I was suddenly afflicted with Writer's Block. The disease—and it is a disease—is misunderstood by virtually all insensitive non-writer people, as evidenced by their tendency to spell it without capital letters.
That's when I checked myself into Blowmee State Hospital. Blowmee is a quaint, upstate-New York residence that caters to writers with the affliction. Several famous writers I could mention were residents there before and after and during my stay, and I only fail to mention them by name because I don't know how to spell them. It's another confidence-shaking trait of Writer's Block: Lack of spelling confidence.
When I was in Blowmee, I met several young female writers in the PMS ward: There was Sooni Moon, the Korean auth...
It was in the summer of 1984 that I was suddenly afflicted with Writer's Block. The disease—and it is a disease—is misunderstood by virtually all insensitive non-writer people, as evidenced by their tendency to spell it without capital letters.
That's when I checked myself into Blowmee State Hospital. Blowmee is a quaint, upstate-New York residence that caters to writers with the affliction. Several famous writers I could mention were residents there before and after and during my stay, and I only fail to mention them by name because I don't know how to spell them. It's another confidence-shaking trait of Writer's Block: Lack of spelling confidence.
When I was in Blowmee, I met several young female writers in the PMS ward: There was Sooni Moon, the Korean author who speaks vague English and yet writes wonderful haikus, at least I'd probably think highly of them if I read Korean; there was Mitzi Kappellaberg, the Jewish princess who wrote in her highly neurotic style about her life growing up in Jewania; and of course Carrie, the firestarter, who only talked about her dog Cujo and never mentioned anything else about her hometown of Castle Rock.
But I would be remiss if I didn't bring up Nancy DeBitch. Nancy was the highly volatile, highly talented queen of manic depression. Most of the time she wasn't depressed, more manic, but they don't really have a classification for manics so they call them all manic-depressed. Nancy knew she had no depression and her classification only served to make her more manic.
Under Nancy's leadership we would yell and curse out the helpful nursing staff and throw riots that ended up just being wet T-shirt contests. We were all fighting back against something, whether it was the male-dominated world of authorshipping or the male-dominated world of male-on-top sex; if it was male-dominated, we were against it, and would throw riots to prove it. Sometimes they brought in tear gas to stun us, sometimes they had the tear gas already and used it. Most of the time, though, they just tricked us into eating take-out Chinese food full of sedatives.
Nancy grew more and more dangerous during my early days at Blowmee. She would break into the nurses office and medicate herself, then medicate the rest of us, then pursue a degree as a professional medicator at a university only to be turned away—because she was a woman—with the flimsy excuse of there being no such field as medicator. It seemed even when we wanted to better ourselves and overcome our Writer's Block the male-dominated system would only let us be dominated—by males.
We would be strapped into our beds often at night, and when we weren't we accidentally strapped ourselves in as part of the bed-strapping game. In the darkness, I would hear Nancy's frightened voice talking to me.
"Do you think we'll ever really change the world, Macy?"
"Nancy? Is that you?" I would ask her.
"God, you're a dipshit sometimes."
"Rrrrowr, someone's catty."
"It's me, dumbass, of course it's me—who else would slip into the room and quietly strap themselves into my bed? Are you some kind of retard?"
"I don't know," I would say quietly, almost to myself. "Maybe we will change the world."   |
