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Bush Tells U.N. Hussein Has Nukes, Eats BabiesIraqi "tyrant" is capable of nuclear destruction, killing puppies September 16, 2002 |
New York, NY Snapper McGee Hussein painting, interpreted by President Bush to be Saddam playing tiny invisible violin for all the live babies he is sitting down to eat
"Iraq has the materials at present time, or will shortly come into possession of them, to produce nuclear weapons," the president told the United Nations audience. "If that threat is not enough, you should hear what he does to his own people. He eats babies, people. I am not kidding. Whole babies, for supper. He butters them like a baked potato and eats them in big bites—I have heard the babies are alive when he does it. I am not kidding."
Members of the audience became unc...
resident Bush addressed the U.N. Thursday in an effort to convince the international body to take action against Saddam Hussein, who, according to the president, has the capability for nuclear weapons in his arsenal and commits horrific acts on his own people, like eating babies for supper.
"Iraq has the materials at present time, or will shortly come into possession of them, to produce nuclear weapons," the president told the United Nations audience. "If that threat is not enough, you should hear what he does to his own people. He eats babies, people. I am not kidding. Whole babies, for supper. He butters them like a baked potato and eats them in big bites—I have heard the babies are alive when he does it. I am not kidding."
Members of the audience became uncomfortable, and looked to each other for a proper response to the president. Several asked their translators to elaborate on the interpretation, believing them mistaken.
"I have heard from proper sources in the White House that Saddam Hussein has personally ordered his military to gather all needed materials to give Iraq nuclear capabilities, to be used in potential retaliation against the U.S. It is also common knowledge among people who have been to Iraq that the men make their wives have sex with their sons while they are watching. All of this is direct influence of Saddam Hussein's rule of Iraq."
The president further explained that nuclear material has been bought or requested for purchase from other nuclear powers like Russia and Pakistan, and that when the mothers and sons make love for the enjoyment of the father, they sometimes act out depraved fantasies about school teachers and troubled students.
"America cannot, and will not allow a man to retain power who would use nuclear weapons in harsh personal vendettas that would endanger our people and his own. A man who punishes his children by pooping on their plates and making them eat it when they have defied him. And in some of these cases, the offense in question was only trying to get a loaf of bread from the cabinet to eat because they are not allowed to eat on days he tells them not to. That's the truth."
The U.N., shortly following the speech, was reluctant to immediately respond. They said the president's remarks would be considered, but they had no plans to further pressure Iraq in the matter of refusing weapons inspectors access to their facilities.
United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan responded to the president, "We are aghast at the allegations by President W. Bush and intend to investigate these matters ourselves. Of particular interest to the member countries of the United Nations are the accusations that President Hussein passes out puppies to audiences before his speeches and tells them he will only continue if they rip the puppies apart. Actions of this nature cannot be allowed to go on."
On the home front, Sen. Majority Leader Tom Daschle stated Congress was reluctant to commit to action against Iraq until further information was available.
"If Iraq has the bomb, we must and will act," Daschle told reporters. "If it's true that you can just drive over children on the streets of Iraq with your car and the police will do nothing to stop it, likewise, in that case we will also be forced to act. A country that barbaric must be re-educated, and a man so despicable that he would set his ex-wives on fire on his birthday, such as Mr. Hussein, must be removed from power." the commune news is morally outraged and immorally engaged. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent and will get to the bottom of a story if her name isn't Lil Duncan—however, it is, so she lets it slide this time.
 | Judge to Miss North Carolina Pageant Contestants: "Girls, You're Both Pretty"Dispute over winner of title just a plea for attention September 16, 2002 |
Raleigh, North Carolina Junior Bacon/Ramon Nootles' Private Collection Judge Fox suggests girls put this behind them before they start getting frown lines.
Rebekah Revels had won the Miss North Carolina pageant, only to be forced to resign when a letter from her ex-boyfriend claimed he had topless pictures of her. Misty Clymer was chosen as Miss North Carolina afterwards, though Revels sued the pageant for the right to wear the crown. The winner of the lawsuit would go on to represent North Carolina in the Miss American pageant Sept. 21st.
The judge refused to pick one contestant over the other, leaving that to the Miss North Carolina pageant committee. Instead, the judge said in his ruling: "I see what this is really all about, Misty… R...
dispute over the rightful inheritor of the Miss North Carolina crown was settled Thursday when U.S. District Judge James Fox issued the ruling that both competitors were pretty.
Rebekah Revels had won the Miss North Carolina pageant, only to be forced to resign when a letter from her ex-boyfriend claimed he had topless pictures of her. Misty Clymer was chosen as Miss North Carolina afterwards, though Revels sued the pageant for the right to wear the crown. The winner of the lawsuit would go on to represent North Carolina in the Miss American pageant Sept. 21st.
The judge refused to pick one contestant over the other, leaving that to the Miss North Carolina pageant committee. Instead, the judge said in his ruling: "I see what this is really all about, Misty… Rebekah. Girls, you're both pretty. There's no need for all this fighting and competition."
The allegation of a forced resignation was the basis for Revels' case as she claimed the judges had rightfully chosen her to represent North Carolina. Pageant officials felt the nude photos taken by the ex-boyfriend tarnished the crown of the pageant and put dozens of future scholarships and sponsors for the Miss America and Miss North Carolina pageants in jeopardy. These photos, so crucial to the case, could not be obtained despite countless requests to both parties, but nude photos of Alyssa Milano were available on the Internet, as well as a compromising picture of Mandy Moore and two black men, but those pictures could possibly have been Photoshopped.
The case was settled amicably by the judge's declaration of equal prettiness. Miss North Carolina pageant representatives said Misty Clymer would go on to represent North Carolina in the national pageant. But the judge's ruling was a tremendous boost to Clymer's confidence.
"Like all girls, Misty needs a compliment every now and then to keep her going," said pageant representative Vill Gording. "And with all this stress of the case and the high pressure of being in a court setting, you can imagine she was a little down. The judge reminded her she was pretty—she knew it, but still, you like to hear it—and it made her day."
The declaration was also well-received by plaintiff Rebekah Revels and counsel. "Obviously, Ms. Revels is disappointed by the pageant's decision to uphold her resignation," said Revels attorney Wax Musstash. "But my client was more than satisfactorily compensated for her loss by the reassurance she is pretty. That's all she really wanted anyway—the judge was wise to acknowledge that."
"I'm glad that the court system is finally able to get past the frivolous lawsuits to the important stuff," said some smart-ass on the court steps as this reporter attempted to get better quotes from the lawyers involved.
The potential for future disappointments in both contestants' futures being high, the judge issued also his telephone number to both plaintiff and defendant, urging that they should call him sometime soon in the future for private rulings. That may or may not have been true, but this reporter certainly would have been disappointed to find the judge missed out on such an opportunity.
Again, if any informant has laid hands on the photos in question, please contact Ramon Nootles at the commune and we'll talk finder's fee. the commune news will frequently use Vaseline on its lips and duct tapes its ass, but for entirely different reasons.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 September 16, 2002 Just Leave Me a Clonethe commune's Omar Bricks is glad that you enjoy his roguish personality, but reminds you it's just a rental With all the fervor about cloned cats and cloned pigs and cloned sheep burping too much methane gas into the atmosphere lately, we've almost forgotten to consider the inevitable future of sci-fi bullshit come true: human cloning. Fertility researching eggheads have announced that an impotent husband's DNA sample fuel-injected into his wife's attention-starved egg can result in her giving birth to an exact clone of the husband, lousy slacking-off sperm and all. No shit! And word on the street is that human cloning has already occurred, and that they're a boy band named O-town. I've never heard of them, but I wouldn't put it past whoever would be in charge of that kind of thing.
Some are calling this the next frontier, as they talk into women's leg razors painted black and make...
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With all the fervor about cloned cats and cloned pigs and cloned sheep burping too much methane gas into the atmosphere lately, we've almost forgotten to consider the inevitable future of sci-fi bullshit come true: human cloning. Fertility researching eggheads have announced that an impotent husband's DNA sample fuel-injected into his wife's attention-starved egg can result in her giving birth to an exact clone of the husband, lousy slacking-off sperm and all. No shit! And word on the street is that human cloning has already occurred, and that they're a boy band named O-town. I've never heard of them, but I wouldn't put it past whoever would be in charge of that kind of thing.
Some are calling this the next frontier, as they talk into women's leg razors painted black and make strange hand signals to their other dorky friends. Personally, I think they've jumped the gun a bit: I say the real future is in celebrity cloning. What woman wouldn't pay through the nose to have her son turn out like Robert Redford instead of her boring husband, who's a nice guy and all, and has a great head of hair… on his back! Yeeeeick. I think the number may run in the millions.
Because of this, you have to assume we're going to see a booming market in confiscated celebrity biological material in the future. You won't be able to go to a benefit for Tibetan date rape victims or a boat show without seeing people fist fighting like wild dogs over discarded celebrity eyelashes and toenail clippings. Mark my words, eBay is going to have to create three different categories for nose hair alone.
I mean, what kind of loser spends her time pouring over old issues of People magazine for blurbs about Brad Pitt when, with a dash of ingenuity, she could have a little Pitt growing inside her? Then she's just a wig of Chinese women's hair and a name change to "Jennifer" away from being shot dead in the shower whilst clutching a Ginsu, making that beautiful dream complete.
Finally we won't have to put up with the disappointing progeny of celebrities any more, sucking their way through life and failing to live up to the talents and all-around fabulousness of their revered parents. No more eagerly waiting, with baited breath, for them to show some glimmer of hope that they'll be just like their parent, only young and sexy again. No more crushing disappointment in them turning out spoiled, odd-looking, untalented and arrested for drugs in an unexciting fashion.
In this brave new world, once Brad Pitt is too old and fat to titillate our feminine sides, we can just turn our attention to the eldest Mini-Pitt clone, who will just be coming into his prime hunky years without having to get his cock stuck in A River Runs Through It to get our attention. Thank God.
Granted, few celebrities will welcome being replaced by a younger version of themselves who they can't control or smother with unwelcome affection after a lifetime of childhood neglect, like they do with their kids. Undoubtedly it will become the in-vogue thing to see celebrities walking around in ridiculous baggy moon-suits to prevent having any of their DNA stolen. Photographers will swarm around anyone they see in a moon suit until they read the ID tag on the lapel and realize it's just Buzz Aldrin.
As a result of this, the majority of stars will request that they be replaced in their movie roles by computer-generated facsimiles of themselves, since except for a few isolated examples, most roles would require them to take off their moon suits. And fat chance of that, lest some intern on the set has dreams of selling lip skin he scraped off of coffee cups on eBay. Understandably, this will give new meaning to the term "phoning in a performance," though of course the lingo will be updated to the techno-chic term "downloading." "Did you see J-Lo in the new Farrelly Brothers movie? Boy did she suck." "No shit, she must have downloaded that one while she was having her butt waxed."
Obviously this will cause a huge shake-up in the Hollywood power structure, with whiz-kid programmers coming into high demand and replacing acting coaches to make sure that even CindyCrawford.exe can turn in a convincing performance as something other than an overpaid bimbo. Granted, there will still be problems, like CatherineZetaJones.exe conflicting with all of the other software, MarlonBrando.exe being too large for system memory and RobertDowneyJr.exe showing up all corrupted and with the wrong drivers. But I have great faith they'll iron out all of these problems in time to make another great buddy cop picture, which is what it's all about in the end.
In the mean time, Omar Bricks has a trend to head off at the pass. If you hear in the news next week that some mustachioed mystery man has made off with cells from Balthazar Getty's stomach lining, just smile knowingly to yourselves and wish me good luck on my yacht shopping. Bricks out! º Last Column: A Sorry State of Affairsº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“I have not yet begun to finish my senten…”
-John Paul JonesFortune 500 CookieEverything’s looking up this week, to avoid making eye contact with you. At long last it has become clear that your master’s degree in goat teasing was a total waste of time. Everyone knows sneezing into your sleeve is just good manners, you should try the same when you break wind. On the bright side, we showed a picture of you to a time-traveler who stopped by the office last week, and he said "Oh Jesus, that guy?" so apparently you’re well-known in the future. This week’s lucky gadgets: HP iPlaid (launching next week on clearance), Samsung MySlate laptop-sized smartphone, iRobot Chippy: Autonomous Quadrotor Personal Killdrone, Sonicareless dental apathy kit, Windows 7 Phone in Bluescreen Blue.
Try again later.Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips| 1. | Carbs are like the devil’s penis: Delicious but fattening. | | 2. | After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich. | | 3. | Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, you’ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you won’t be so upset when you find out you’re still fat. | | 4. | You’re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day. | | 5. | At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant. | |
|   Ray Charles, Edna Applebaum Top People Worst Dressed List BY roland mcshyster 9/16/2002 Howdy Doody, America.
I'm sorry folks. That was just a pathetic attempt to sound upbeat. I should give you people more credit than that. We all know where we find ourselves, plum in the middle of the doggy-style days of autumn, a movie wasteland so barren that even the dead horses look bored. And that's no small challenge. Luckily for me, the less time people spend in theaters, the more time they spend writing letters to Ask Roland, except for the select few primates who actually try and write to me from inside the theater, so I end up with illegible butter-stained napkin letters crumpled in my mail box, covered in ants and other sundry vermin. I get less of those now, which is the one thing I like about the Fall. So let's delay no further and get to padding this col...
Howdy Doody, America.
I'm sorry folks. That was just a pathetic attempt to sound upbeat. I should give you people more credit than that. We all know where we find ourselves, plum in the middle of the doggy-style days of autumn, a movie wasteland so barren that even the dead horses look bored. And that's no small challenge. Luckily for me, the less time people spend in theaters, the more time they spend writing letters to Ask Roland, except for the select few primates who actually try and write to me from inside the theater, so I end up with illegible butter-stained napkin letters crumpled in my mail box, covered in ants and other sundry vermin. I get less of those now, which is the one thing I like about the Fall. So let's delay no further and get to padding this column out like a Kate Moss swimsuit, shall we?
Q. Hey Roland, what's it hangin? Listen, I don't really have a movie question, but I was wondering if you could hook me up with that Violet Tiara chick who writes for the commune. She's hot! And smart! Does she dig dudes in the military? Cuz I could enlist, I'm pretty sure. Unless they've still got that rule about having to be able to touch your toes. Hey, that's my other question: Do they still have that rule? Thanks in advance Roland, we'll name our first kid after you.
Elmer DeBarge, Spankle, MO
A.Thanks for the letter Elmer, and it was smart to include a picture of yourself so I have something to show to the police. Though they are going to wonder why it has half of a People magazine What's Hot/Who's Not column printed on the back of it, and what you're doing with Heath Ledger's girlfriend. As for Ms. Tiara, I'm sorry to say she's too young for you, however old you are. Her parents are also super quick with a restraining order, which is silly since she's mostly a tease anyway. Or that's what I hear, from… people.
Q. Rooollaaaaand! Wasaaaaaaaap! Man, is that ever going to get old? I don't know, but I hope not. I love that joke. Love it! Anyway man, I got a question for you here. Uh… shit. Nope, I guess not. I had one when I started this but I totally spaced it when I was doing that "Wasaaaaaaap!" thing. Sorry dude, I'll get back to you.
Rodney Poster, Belmonte, CA
A. Believe it or not, these were the two best letters I received all week. You should have seen some of the stupid ones. Anyway, thanks for your letter, Rodney. Thanks a lot. Thanks for single-handedly making this the worst installment of Ask Roland ever. Good God, without your help I might have overestimated the future of humanity. Thankfully I am no longer in that danger, and I now realize that we're all screwed. Thanks again.
Alright, that's the movie bell a-ringin':
In Theaters
The Bang Your Sisters
Oh man, what a funny idea for a movie! No, wait, that's Animal House. What's this boiled old hobo boot doing up on my screen? The only way you're going to laugh during this tale of the most unfortunately named band in the history of rock is if you've just come straight from an actually funny movie and are still laughing when this one starts. Actually, to be honest, the movie had one big laugh in it. It came when this guy came back from the concession stand with his hands full of a giant soda and a big bag of popcorn, and when he went to sit down in the dark he kind of half sat on the arm of his seat, which caused him to panic and flail his arms up, dumping the whole bag of popcorn right on his head. Classic. Though I suspect that probably could have happened during any movie and therefore I wouldn't place too much credit for that laugh on the film itself.
Barbieshop
It's a great idea, I'll give them that. Line up a smooch on the ass for whoever dreamed this one up: a quartet of hard-nosed bone thugs inherit a doll store when their grandfather dies, and now they have to trade in their trash-talking street ways and spend their days explaining the difference between Malibu Barbie and Ventura County Barbie to spoiled little six year-old white girls from Riverside. Stick Chris Rock and Chris Tucker in the actor holes and you'd have 'em rolling in the isles, probably from laughing. Hell, stick Chris Katan and Chris Farley in a tanning booth for a few days and it could still work. So who do they get to star in this turkey? Ice Cube, Ice-T and Urkel. Good job, guys. Way to shoot the comedy goose in the head.
Igby Goes Down
Everybody's favorite Australian cartoon iguana is here to teach kids about sex and sexuality, the Aussie way! Though the animation is crude, it still gets the point across, and these guys know how to draw some sexy kangaroos. Or, as the Aussies call them, Wildebeests. While the film may be too disturbing for older viewers, kids will find it a delightful romp, in both meanings of that double-Nintendo. Delightfully fake Australian accents are provided by voice-over legends Susan Saranadan, Bill Pullman, and that guy who barfs when he eats.
Stealing Harvard
Heist movies don't have any sense of ambition these days. Everybody's got some master plan to steal a million kruktillion dollars so they can live out their golden years in some HEPA-filtered paradise where nobody speaks English. Bo-ring. When's the last time anybody ever tried to steal something really valuable, like Disneyland? Now that's a caper worth plotting for 45 minutes. How in the world would they pull that off? I'm hooked. I want to know, you know? Sign me up for a front-row seat and a box of Nards. Sadly, this heist flick doesn't quite get it right, but it's a novel effort. I'm not sure why somebody would get all hot and bothered about stealing a crusty old East Coast University, so there were some believability issues there. Maybe you could make a mint printing off phony diplomas and selling them on the Internet. I'm pretty sure that must have been what they were thinking. But I shouldn't have to work so hard to figure it out, that's the movie's job.
Trapped
Picture the scene. You find yourself stuck in some drafty country cottage with no telephone and no way out. You think you're alone, but then you turn and see… Courtney Love! Yikes! You spin around in the other direction, and it's… Charlize "Don't Call Me Ashley Judd" Theron! Shit! Could it get any worse? Yes, it could! Kevin Bacon's in the crapper! And he's wearing those awful jogging shorts that reveal far too much and turn you off of Bacon Bits for the rest of your life. Who's trapped with them? Here comes the twist: it's the audience. Yep, two hours with these undesirables may scar you for life, but they say it's really cathartic when you actually get to leave the theater.
And that's a wrap, folks. All right, go on, get out. Uncle Roland wants to be alone in the dark room for a while. Don't ring for dinner, I'm just going to be in the music room, playing one note on the piano over and over again. Now all I need is to find a music room somewhere.    |
