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September 16, 2002   
Your secretest Santa
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Bush Tells U.N. Hussein Has Nukes, Eats Babies

Iraqi "tyrant" is capable of nuclear destruction, killing puppies
September 16, 2002
New York, NY
Snapper McGee
Hussein painting, interpreted by President Bush to be Saddam playing tiny invisible violin for all the live babies he is sitting down to eat
P
resident Bush addressed the U.N. Thursday in an effort to convince the international body to take action against Saddam Hussein, who, according to the president, has the capability for nuclear weapons in his arsenal and commits horrific acts on his own people, like eating babies for supper.

"Iraq has the materials at present time, or will shortly come into possession of them, to produce nuclear weapons," the president told the United Nations audience. "If that threat is not enough, you should hear what he does to his own people. He eats babies, people. I am not kidding. Whole babies, for supper. He butters them like a baked potato and eats them in big bites—I have heard the babies are alive when he does it. I am not kidding."

Members of the audience became unc...Read more...

Judge to Miss North Carolina Pageant Contestants: "Girls, You're Both Pretty"

Dispute over winner of title just a plea for attention
September 16, 2002
Raleigh, North Carolina
Junior Bacon/Ramon Nootles' Private Collection
Judge Fox suggests girls put this behind them before they start getting frown lines.
A
dispute over the rightful inheritor of the Miss North Carolina crown was settled Thursday when U.S. District Judge James Fox issued the ruling that both competitors were pretty.

Rebekah Revels had won the Miss North Carolina pageant, only to be forced to resign when a letter from her ex-boyfriend claimed he had topless pictures of her. Misty Clymer was chosen as Miss North Carolina afterwards, though Revels sued the pageant for the right to wear the crown. The winner of the lawsuit would go on to represent North Carolina in the Miss American pageant Sept. 21st.

The judge refused to pick one contestant over the other, leaving that to the Miss North Carolina pageant committee. Instead, the judge said in his ruling: "I see what this is really all about, Misty… R...Read more...

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



September 16, 2002
Click for Biography

Scrumpletydumples

"Flippetyripples dapplety-giblets!"
cried the elf-like thing.
Pouncing on his footstool,
he was dressed fit for a king.
His sniveling little attendant
was harshly reprimanded:
"Dimplety-smackers… chalooga!"
he so eloquently demanded.
"Snabblety-scrabble, applety-pee!"
he examined it loudly,
the chain of gold that wrapped around his pudgy fingers three.

This would never do, it was much too yellow
is what he seemed to say, what I heard him bellow.
And deep within his deep blue eyes
I sensed a bluish dissatisfaction rise.
A glint of a look that seemed like it said
"Bring me my wife, and off with her head!"
For she had been spotted by the Chudaluk brook
with the cadd...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”

-Roderick Youngfellow
Fortune 500 Cookie
You are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.


Try again later.
Top Positive Changes Inspired by Va. Tech Massacre
1.Public now rightfully suspicious of South Koreans
2.Bush to up military spending to ensure troops aren't outgunned by Iraqi college students
3.Handguns: two for the price of one, Big Dill's Gun Barn, Williamsburg, VA
4.Congress to pass ban on recreational bazookas
5.Grand Theft Auto: Va. Tech to carry "It's just a game" disclaimer
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Ray Charles, Edna Applebaum Top People Worst Dressed List

View Past Columns
BY violet tiara
9/16/2002
Mrs. The Pope
I'll elope with the Pope
on a Sunday in Spain,
and I hope that the dope
won't pick a day when it rains.
For though the walrus and crow
might find it refreshing,
the sugar-drop people would melt
right through the chairs' meshing.
And the rest of the guests
won't think it so smashing,
the vows we espouse
drown out by their teeth gnashing!
But then I'll be famous! As famous as Amos.
And though it's thought taboo… really, who could blame us?
"What a dashing young couple!" would be what they all said.
For I would be dashing and he (in a couple years), dead.
And then I'd be sitting, all pretty with gloat,
since I had a bulletproof car and a boat,
and a bulletproof bathroom,...Read more...