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August 5, 2002   
Self-esteem for your stupid brain
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Coke to Introduce New Pepsi-Flavored Coke

August 5, 2002
New York, NY
COURTESY COCA-COLA C
Beating them at their own game: Pepsi Coke
A
s Pepsiā€™s heavily marketed new nasty blue cola starts hitting store shelves this week, Coke is putting the finishing touches on its own new soda: Pepsi Coke. The new cola, subject of heated rumors for months and developed under the code name Cokesi, is a Pepsi-flavored version of its Coca-Cola Classic brand, and will appear in regional markets in August.

The apparent coincidence of the two launches is a familiar trick in the ruthless cola wars, in which the business worldā€™s two most famous and petty rivals are forever scheming to one-up and stink-finger each other. Pepsi is hoping that its own blind stab in the dark, Pepsi Blue, a berry-flavored cola described as ā€œwhat it would taste like if fruit could scream,ā€ will be the aorta-spurting death blow it has been hoping ...Read more...

NASA Photographs Infuriate Shut-Ins, Conspiracy Geeks

Shut-Ins to NASA: "We want the Face!"
August 5, 2002
Tempe, AZ
Courtesy Of Nasa
Clear photo of "The Face" underlines need for Martian pooper-scooper law
N
ew infrared images from NASA's Mars Odyssey orbiter featuring the long-debated formation known as the "Face on Mars" have sent shockwaves through the shut-in and conspiracy geek communities. Anxious and unbathed web surfers who expected the infrared pictures to provide new revelations about the features voiced their disappointment, saying the new images are bullshit because they don't show any kind of recognizable face at all, just a couple of bumps in the dirt.

NASA claims this is because there never was a face, stupid, only a trick of light and shadow fueled by desperate weirdoes who haven't worked in years. Fans of the face contend that it was only the lack of "night-vision" imagery that failed to expose the Sphinxlike visage they have come to know and love. NASA responded ...Read more...




August 5, 2002
Click for Biography

Someone Has Ruined Citizen Kane for Me

the commune's Red Bagel turns his deep focus on movie endings
Imagine my dismay when, after 61 years of waiting, I was finally ready to see Citizen Kane this week, only to have it ruined for me by some wise-ass video store clerk.

Better yet, instead of imagining it all, which can be confusing and you surely won't get all the details right, let me tell you directly all about it.

It seems like every time I've gone and talked about moviesā€”I'm quick to brag about having seen them allā€”someone asks me a quick list of which "great" movies I've seen. The Godfather? No, but I saw clips from it. Star Wars? Yes, the first one, Episode I, but none of that raunchy '70s stuff. The 400 Blows? I said "movies," buddy, not "snuff films." Citizen Kane?

Now that's a curious title. Is...Read more...

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Milestones
1821: Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua all gain independence, consequently leaving them ripe for U.S. corporate invasion and political meddling.
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Mark Buckles is a Cockwad. Holy shit I don't believe we got that in print! Man, you were right, Sammy, they don't ever proofread this shit. This is better than that time we got "Mark Buckles sucks balls" on the CNN website poll.
Least Anticipated New TV Series
1.CSI Iraq
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5.The Following Friends Time-Slot Show
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Nine Minors Trapped in Shaft

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BY wes thurmon
8/5/2002
My New Lifestyle
Monday, August 5, 2002
If I could ever be
as free as a tree,
I'd pee only Brie.
My neighbors would see
the beauty of me.

I'd sing like a duck
and have all the good luck.
I'd dance for a buck
and sleep in a truck
I bought for a buck
and I'd laugh "Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

What a beautiful day!
I almost wish I was gay
and I lived in L.A.
What more can I say?
What a wonderful life that would beā€¦

Eating green spinach pie,
reading about Princess Di.
Pausing briefly to sigh
"These sad books make me cry!"
But this dark purple tie
is so stylish, I could die!
But I won't 'cause it's great to be meā€¦

Yes this is the life Read more...