Magna Doodle drawing determined to have been done by Michelangelo himself may be worth between $12 million and a kajillion dollars, according to students at Art Lowenstein's School of Art Appraisal in Hoboken, NJ. The doodle was unearthed among assorted art-related toys from the Renaissance period in what used to be a child's rumpus room, according to officials at the Cooper-Hewitt National Design Museum in New York. The unsigned doodle is of a half-man, half-bear — some call it a Manimal — standing on a three-dimensional see-through box, beneath a sky filled with different-sized eyes and concentric triangles, according to officials. The Manimal has a river of snakes flowing somehow magically out of his armpit, and the single word "Gwyneth" is scrawled mysteriously near the border between several squiggles. Experts place the time of the doodling in the mid-1500s, making it one of the oldest Magna Doodlings on record.

The Magna Doodle was plucked from a chest of toys in the museum's coatroom, formerly a child's rumpus room when the museum was home to a family of Austrian squatters in the late 1800's. Such a discovery is considered to be "a fucking mind-blower," Cooper-Hewitt Director Paul Thompson said in a telephone interview. "I didn't even know they made those things back then."

The Magna Doodle was found in a chest of toys that also included a Magnetic Wonder Whiskers toy that may have belonged to Michelangelo, and an unidentified drawing toy that involved using a solid plastic pencil to draw on a sheet of static cling film that was erased when you peeled the sheet away from the backing, Thompson said.

The museum, part of the Washington-based Smithsonian Institution, purchased the Magna Doodle within a group of five magnetic art toys in 1842, for $1. The purchase was ridiculed by some at the time, but honored as it fulfilled the wishes of then-Director Hyram McWinter, who often said "If it's artsy, I want it." By often we mean like every five minutes, it drove people crazy.

Museum scholars guessed the work might have been done by a 16th century magnetic artist Benny del Bacon, who often fobbed off his doodles on the art community of that day as "pre-surrealist deconstructionalism." Somehow it got into the wrong box and was almost sold at a museum garage sale, only to be saved by a demanding child who lived in the Cooper-Hewitt at the time.

"It's the old cliche: Renaissance master doodles a masterpiece on a child's magnetic toy, museum buys it on accident and almost sells it for nothing before snotty little Austrian kid steals it off the nickel table and hides it in his toy chest for 100 years," Thompson said.

It was first identified as a Michelangelo in April by Sir Clifford Buford, director of the National Galleries of Scotland or something, during an unauthorized surprise inspection of the Cooper-Hewitt. Buford, an Italian Renaissance scholar and air hockey freak, was rummaging around the coatroom of the design museum looking for a nice umbrella when he came across a toy chest simply labeled "Piss Off." One particular toy inside the chest caught his eye. 'My Crap, this is a Michelangelo!"' he exclaimed, not anticipating being quoted later.

While the experts agree on the artist, there is no agreement on how the doodle fits into the larger body of Michelangelo's work.

The Manimal's genitalia is only inferred, but the doodle clearly shows where they should go, said Sarah Lawrence, the museum's expert on the Italian Renaissance magnet-based arts. However, a cat doodled in the background features an alarmingly oversized penis, raising questions about Michelangelo's state of mind at the time of the doodling.

"You recognize a Michelangelo as you recognize a friend," Buford said by courier fox from Florence. "If you're familiar with a friend, and you're walking down the street, you wave to them. They may wave back, or they may duck into a shop to avoid being seen with you on the street. I rather think Michelangelo's doodle waved back. Either that, or these things here are ass cheeks; probably this Gwyneth person's. Though I'd always heard he was gay."

The Magna Doodle will go on display at the Cooper-Hewitt museum in about a year, next to a wild scratch-paper doodle Picasso did while on the phone with his mother, Thompson said.

resident Bush stated Sunday that he wished everyone was into Tool as much as he is. Though he did not name names, the president implied everyone surrounding him, from his wife Laura Bush to Secretary of State Colin Powell, did not enjoy the hard rock band on the same level he does.

"I mean, they 'like' Tool and all," stated the president, "but it's just not the same. They like Tool like they won't turn them off if they're on the radio or something. I like Tool like I want to put in the CD and jam, you know, to sing along to all the songs, even the ones most people don't know. I know all their albums and who played on each song by heart. Nobody I know likes Tool like that, nobody."

Attorney General John Ashcroft confirmed the president's feelings.

"Tool's not bad, I'm not saying that. It's just… I don't know, I'm not into it at all, really. Not too hard for me or nothing, I don't think, I just prefer other kinds of stuff. If I want to listen to something heavy I usually go for Rammstein or stuff like that. Most of the time I just listen to Creed. I like Creed and nobody around here does. You don't see me flipping out and whining about it."

The president, a reported Tool fan since his days as Governor of Texas when the band released Aenima, has tried since then to get everybody into Tool, from South African president Nelson Mandella to his daughters.

"Bar's into that really gay new country and Jenna just likes Jimmy Buffett. I swear, I don't know whose kids they are, but they didn't get that from me," said the president.

Unable to share his love for the band with surrounding friends, family members, and staff, the president has turned to Tool message boards and chat rooms, where his login name is usually Prisonsex2000.

"This guy the other day wouldn't shut up about 'Sober,' like it's their best song ever and, man, it was just so clear this guy was a newbie. Me and the other fans at toolbox.com were just all straight-faced, like, 'Yeah, man, that's sure 'nuff it!' I mean, don't get me wrong, 'Sober' kicks ass, no one will say it doesn't, but no one who's a Tool fan needs to be told that, right?"

Tool has been instrumental in Bush's life since he discovered them as Governor of Texas. He even credits his decision to run for president because of his love for hard rock music, stating to several press groups in 1992 that America could do better than a Fleetwood Mac fan as president.

At times I realize how immature I have been in the past. These times are also in the past, having already occurred, but usually in the more recent past. The past weekend was one of these instances.

When I was 19 and hungry for work, not to mention hungry for actual food since the lack of work left me broker than space station Mir, I signed on, reluctantly, to do a sci-fi movie called Orgasma on the Moon. It was a softcore sort of sci-fi/nudie film, and yeah, it required nudity from me. I know what you're thinking and I hope you don't think less of me. But it's true—I did a sci-fi film.

It was a paycheck at the time, the easiest $500 I ever made for two weeks of work, not to mention I had more lines in that than most movies I did since Who's Your Daddy? went belly-up. I actually had a little bit of fun, but I knew a sci-fi movie would leave a mark on my career that I wouldn't recover from. I'd be stereotyped and stigmata'd or however you phrase it. I would probably never appear in Shakespeare on the London stage again, but it wasn't too big a downer since I hate Shakespeare and had never done it before. Actually, I'd kind of like to play King Lear but they seldom cast twentysomething women as the aging king so that's not likely.

Nobody expected Orgasma on the Moon would become a minor cult hit, least of all me. Hell, I didn't even use my real name at the time, appearing under the screen name Fanny Protruda. But that's exactly what happened, and though I didn't appear in any of the other now-famous Orgasma series, having played the major character of Queen Tongue I've screwed in my place in sci-fi history, and have therefore invited invitations to many sci-fi conventions.

Up until now I've refused to go, being a matter of pride and maintaining a shred of self-respect, but when the commune paychecks were recently delayed while Red Bagel tripled his money in Vegas I had a need for green that timed nicely with this year's Nerdophile 2002 Convention in Muncie, Indiana. So I went.

I have to say sci-fi geeks are the best geeks I've ever met, and I don't say that to win them over since I know they have a special place for me in their hearts and magazines. In truth I try to limit the number of geeks I run into so I can sincerely say they're the best I've met. Friendly, polite, ready to describe my flimsy costumes in detail and cite my lines to me better than I knew them at the time, especially since I ad-libbed so much. The director wasn't too strict about following the script, probably because he had lost his own copy.

I always thought of the sci-fi fans out there as hopelessly lonely individuals absorbed in the ridiculous fantasy of worlds that didn't exist while the real world passed them by. Despite the accuracy of that stereotype, I neglected to realize how optimistic, kind, and charming they all are, given a few exceptions that defied all rules to lick the Queen Tongue costume I wore. I have opened up my heart to these sci-fi nerds, and after a quite a few drinks in the bar occasionally flashed my boobs. But I was fortunate for the chance to meet them up close, finally getting to talk with people who are fans of my work and actually know me for something beyond that goofy sitcom and the court trial in the early 90s.

You sci-fi fans are the sweetest guys on earth and I can't wait to see you all again at more conventions and hear more of how I mispronounced well-known planet and galaxy names. You're all the greatest and I love you all like brothers. Got that? Like brothers. Quit asking me out.

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