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June 24, 2002   
Red Bagel schlepped here
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Junk E-Mail Almost Drives Ted Ted Apeshit

Mailbox clutter comes seriously close to unhinging reporter
June 24, 2002
Flatbush, NJ
Ted Ted
Ted Ted's inbox, also now known as "near ground zero".
S
omeone came frighteningly close to having their ass handed to them Friday when commune correspondent Ted Ted became enraged upon receiving another in a seemingly endless string of junk e-mails.

The last of the e-mails came to Ted Ted with the subject header "Re: Our discussion on Diplomas" from a mailer unknown to Ted Ted using the name Charlene Plumb, most likely an alias. The e-mail, unread by Ted Ted, contained nothing in itself to inflame the reporter, but was indeed the third from the so-called Charlene Plumb with the exact same subject header in one day. On top of that, the e-mail from Plumb was a finale in a series of non-stop e-mails for months on end.

When the commune first received an Internet connection, in November of 2001, the entire office, Ted Ted...Read more...

Vicious Murder Now Quickest Path to Instant Celebrity

Right brutal act can make anyone a household name
June 24, 2002
New York,NY
Peter Pants
Network talent scouts are quick on the scene of the debut of next year's breakout star.
I
n the past, the best way to become a celebrity overnight was to do something remarkable in a relatively short period of time. The old joke was even that it takes 10 years for an actor, writer, comedian, entertainer in any field to become an overnight success. Now some overnight successes are becoming celebrities practically overnight.

The popularity of murderers has grown significantly in recent years. Basic cable crime shows like The Discovery Channel's The New Detectives and The Justice Files have demonstrated the public's fascination with both alleged and convicted criminals, as well as our hunger for real crime stories. Now, new shows on NBC and ABC are bringing the murderers right into our home, allowing us a first-hand look-see at someone else's horrible p...Read more...




June 24, 2002
Click for Biography

The Loch Ness Midget

the commune's Griswald Dreck has dipped his last skinny
In the Highlands of northern Scotland, between the towns of Acch and Edenocker there lies Loch Ness, a body of water with a name that's Scottish for "Nasty Lake." This name dates back to the time of the Picts, a clan of tattooed assholes native to Scotland who ruled the land for thousands of years before modern-day Scots came over from Ireland and started throwing telephone poles around and head-butting small children and deer and whatnot.

Loch Ness was know to the Picts for being incredibly foul, thanks to the thousands of ducks who disobeyed the numerous "We don swim in yer terlet, so don you a crap in ar lach" signs posted around the lake. In order to keep slow children from swimming in the filthy loch, the Picts invented a story about a hideous creature named Nessie who li...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Give a man a fish, he eats today. Hide a fish in his jacket pocket and watch him go batshit trying to find where the smell's coming from.”

-John J. Jesusheimer Schmidt
Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out your suspicions are correct and that Maurice Sendak book has been about you all this time. Peer-to-peer file-sharing claims its first victim when Metallica shows up at your house to beat the shit out of you. Remember to practice what you preach, because your preaching has been really amateur lately. Lucky numbers are all in Spanish this week.


Try again later.
5 Ways to Spend Your $208 Million Lottery Jackpot
1.Finance own album of you singing Broadway standards; pay people to buy it
2.Invest heavily in million-dollar ducks
3.Buy a car for everyone you know, something they could all fit in at once
4.Spend 208 nights with Demi Moore
5.Fund grassroots pro-President Bush campaigns
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Clinton Administration Trashed White House

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
6/24/2002
Well hey, America! Who'd have thought you'd be back for part two of our entertainmentalicious Summer Preview? I mean, what are the chances of that? I'm not a gambling man, but if I were I'd have to bet the odds were close to 100-7-245-9. Needless to say, I'm damned impressed. I looks like you've held up your end of the bargain, so I'm going to do my best to make this EP the policiest yet. This month we're taking a gander at the ass-half of the summer movie releases and asking the age-old question: where's the manager with those ticket refunds?


In Theaters



Austin Powers in Goldmember

Everybody knows Mike Meyers is a sharp guy, but does anyone really think he can make a spoof of Jerry S...Read more...