n the past, the best way to become a celebrity overnight was to do something remarkable in a relatively short period of time. The old joke was even that it takes 10 years for an actor, writer, comedian, entertainer in any field to become an overnight success. Now some overnight successes are becoming celebrities practically overnight.

The popularity of murderers has grown significantly in recent years. Basic cable crime shows like The Discovery Channel's The New Detectives and The Justice Files have demonstrated the public's fascination with both alleged and convicted criminals, as well as our hunger for real crime stories. Now, new shows on NBC and ABC are bringing the murderers right into our home, allowing us a first-hand look-see at someone else's horrible pain. On shows like NBC's Crime & Punishment and ABC's State V., viewers are taken from the legal beginning of an actual murder trial to its inevitable legal conclusion, all within the span of an hour. Now the messiness of following a long-lasting court case is made more convenient for fans of true crime death and mayhem.

"We take the majority of the trial, edit it down to the juicy bits, and pop it in after Just Shoot Me or something for some easy high ratings," said some person in the President of NBC's office. "And who knows? If everything works out, we'll be getting the first big glimpse at one of tomorrow's major media stars."

Even without major ratings success, the shows already have a significant improvement over fictional shows in their cheap production costs. Shows about true court cases require neither writers nor paid on-screen talent; and, in contrast to the news department, traveling is limited to the continental United States. The country's interest is only in domestic murderers, foreign murderers with subtitles have yet to capture America's imagination. Also, there's much fewer of them.

According to some industry analysts, the true crime court trial show could be bigger than the Survivor and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? fads, even a new dominating genre of shows.

"We've been heading toward this for years now," said Court-TV correspondent Mickey "Dutch" McMichaels. "First there were the ratings for the O.J. Simpson trial. After that, we've been covering various trials intently, the biggest ones or the most brutal or the strangest cases. And not just day-by-day trial updates. We're talking camera-in-the-courtroom or extensive court record accounts. Showing full or partial testimony, still pictures and drawings, even dramatizations. I think I saw David Schwimmer playing John Wayne Bobbitt somewhere, maybe before Friends was a big hit."

Celebrity court cases like those for O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, even lesser offenses like for Robert Downey, Jr. are already proven successes; but in addition, court cases are making new celebrities of their own. Like Andrea Yates, alleged Daniel Van Dam murderer David Westerfield, and Thomas Junta, the infamous "hockey dad" who murdered a fellow father at one of his son's games. It may have taken longer than expected, but the major networks are finally bringing the public what it wants: more murder stories and more murderers, right after or before their favorite "fake" murder shows, like C.S.I. and Law & Order.

"It's a complex story, with heroes and villains, with victims, a beginning, middle, and end, especially with these new shows that wrap it up in an hour," said McMichaels. "Plus, since it's real, you feel like you've watched real news without all the boring parts like world events and politics affecting our country."

As the style of popular shows change, say industry insiders, so will the kind of celebrities. The stars of tomorrow are planning their murders today.

McMichaels agreed. "If I were a washed-up actor in need of a big hit, like Burt Reynolds or Andrew McCarthy, I'd stop reading tired old scripts and start reading In Cold Blood," he said, referring to some book or something.

n investigative arm of Congress known only by the shadowy moniker of the General Accounting Office released a report on Tuesday detailing the extensive damage found by the Bush administration upon moving into the White House following Clinton's presidency. The report was requested by Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia, who found a badly decomposed mackerel in his suitcase after a recent round of bi-partisan prankery in the House and was as pissed as a Kennedy on St. Patrick's Day.

"When we got here, this place looked like a cross between Animal House and The Money Pit," stated Barr, flaunting his knowledge of house-themed comedy films.

According to the GAO report, Bush administration staffers found a veritable house of horrors upon moving into the White House in January of 2001. Drawers were glued shut, toilets were plugged with cement, and a life-sized wax statue of former president Gerald Ford was found in a compromising position in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Additionally, White House phones with speed-dial buttons marked with innocuous titles like "Pentagon" and "Chinese Food" were programmed to dial 1-900 sex numbers and a dildo wholesaler in Texas. One couch was horribly burnt, another was found floating in the pool and a large block of very old cheese was found beneath a dresser in the Blue Room.

Apparently, vandals had also damaged keyboards by removing all of the "W" keys and had burned a dirty limerick into the carpet of the Vermeil Room as the Clinton administration moved out of the White House last year. An unknown party also made off with a large presidential seal and the presidential mini-fridge, the investigative arm of Congress said on Tuesday.

But the General Accounting Office stopped short of making its own estimate of the extent of the damage reported by aides of Republican President Bush after they moved into the White House a year and a half ago, instead giving the White House a vague "shithole" rating.

It was not clear how much of the reported damage was intentional, or who was responsible for writing lyrics to songs by The Doors on multiple walls in neon-colored markers. It's difficult to assess how much of the repair money would have had to be spent anyway as part of the usual nightmarish presidential transition, the GAO said.

"Who the fuck knows, man?" GAO staffer Larry Worthram said of the damages. "They should just be happy the damn place is still standing, you know? I heard about some wild shit going on here, you know what I'm sayin'? Good times, man, good times. And it's all cool, you know, but I for one wouldn't try to reuse any of the bedding in there. But that's just me."

The report noted Bush administration estimates that it had cost some $14,000 to get West Wing of the White House and adjacent Eisenhower Executive Office Building into shape and to remove the smell of stale gym socks and leftover pizza after the Bush team moved in.

Barr requested the report from the GAO last year after he heard the touching story of a female Bush staffer who was injured when she tripped over a beer bong while the new administration was moving in on Jan. 20, 2001.

"Apparently those Clinton boys were a real group of party guys, some real fun lovers," Barr said of the report. "Assholes." Clinton's office in New York had no comment on the GAO document or Barr's big, blubbery butt.

The GAO recommended a "check-out" process for departing presidential staff in the future that includes detailed cleaning instructions and a 30-point checklist involving the mandatory cleaning of mini-blinds and conditions under which the departing president will be charged for carpet cleaning expenses. The checklist will have to be filled out in triplicate and signed by the departing president, under penalty of forfeiture of the White House security deposit.

The GAO report also noted that there had been damage observed during previous presidential transitions. Two people told the GAO that the damage Clinton's team found in 1993, when Bush's father had just moved out, was even worse than in 2001, and that they'd never seen so many used condoms in their whole entire lives.

Just when things are going pretty good for you again, just when they start to look up again after you've been down and out for the count, at your lowest and just starting to get back on your feet again, it's the same ol' story: Hit by a car and dragged for three days solid.

If you want to argue technical details, sure, the car was not in motion every minute of every hour of those three days, and the complete time, I estimate, was closer to 70 hours than 72, but who's going to argue the details after you've been dragged for three days straight by an automobile? Me, that's who. Details are nature's prison guards.

It started out innocently enough, leaving work Thursday night and stepping out into moving traffic. Little could I guess, though I probably could have seen if I'd bothered to check the oncoming traffic first, there was some speeding car with a driver of drunken magnitude. I was struck, but only clipped, fortunately. Then I was dragged through the streets for three days.

Three days is not a lot of time for most things. If I performed surgery three days in a row, few would consider me a surgeon. Yet in the matter of being dragged by a car, I think three days is enough time to consider me an expert. Yes, if it's not so brazen, I now consider myself an expert on being dragged by a car. I could receive stipends to speak at universities on the topic of being dragged by a car. In fact, I may.

I'm pretty sure the drunk driver had no idea I was snagged on something, I presume the fender, of his car. At worst I would like to think maybe he caught lights flashing off the fender and assumed he was being pursued by cops, and if he hadn't been in fear of being arrested he would've stopped to see what was making all those sparks and screaming noises at the rear of his car.

As I said, he stopped for gas a few times, and I suppose he missed me, as I'm of small stature and frequently rolled up under his car. I would've tried to free myself but it was hard to stay conscious, given the extreme pain I was in as well as the lack of sleep. If I had to pick one, probably the pain was the biggest factor.

Soon I realized that it was either free myself or die. I could not endure more than another 300 hours, I'm guessing, without surrendering to the agony. Thinking quickly, mostly remembering old episodes of MacGyver, I managed to grab ahold of the carburetor and, with the help of a lighter, fashioned a crude blowtorch. It was at this point the fender naturally gave way and I rolled off the road into a ditch.

In that ditch I lay for hours. Bloodied, broken, and very pissed off. I was found by a deaf-mute woman who threw me on her back, me being a short and uncumbersome load, and carried me to a local hospital. I found myself in Tupelo, Mississippi, in the most miserable pain I've been in all my life, as well as quite surprised I had gone so little distance in the span of three days. Even not driving constantly the drunken driver should have gotten further than that. As best I can figure the drunken driver must have turned and circled back the other way quite a number of times, or failing that, he had been driving very slow most of the journey. I say it certainly didn't feel like he was driving very slow but it does seem the most logical answer, since I'm recovered enough to be conscious this Monday morning and I'm still alive.

Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? No. None at all. The best lesson you can hope to salvage is that a so-called "walk" sign is not really a guarantee you'll get to the other side of the street. I suggest the government work on improving that right away. Until then, I have demoral.

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