n the past, the best way to become a celebrity overnight was to do something remarkable in a relatively short period of time. The old joke was even that it takes 10 years for an actor, writer, comedian, entertainer in any field to become an overnight success. Now some overnight successes are becoming celebrities practically overnight.

The popularity of murderers has grown significantly in recent years. Basic cable crime shows like The Discovery Channel's The New Detectives and The Justice Files have demonstrated the public's fascination with both alleged and convicted criminals, as well as our hunger for real crime stories. Now, new shows on NBC and ABC are bringing the murderers right into our home, allowing us a first-hand look-see at someone else's horrible pain. On shows like NBC's Crime & Punishment and ABC's State V., viewers are taken from the legal beginning of an actual murder trial to its inevitable legal conclusion, all within the span of an hour. Now the messiness of following a long-lasting court case is made more convenient for fans of true crime death and mayhem.

"We take the majority of the trial, edit it down to the juicy bits, and pop it in after Just Shoot Me or something for some easy high ratings," said some person in the President of NBC's office. "And who knows? If everything works out, we'll be getting the first big glimpse at one of tomorrow's major media stars."

Even without major ratings success, the shows already have a significant improvement over fictional shows in their cheap production costs. Shows about true court cases require neither writers nor paid on-screen talent; and, in contrast to the news department, traveling is limited to the continental United States. The country's interest is only in domestic murderers, foreign murderers with subtitles have yet to capture America's imagination. Also, there's much fewer of them.

According to some industry analysts, the true crime court trial show could be bigger than the Survivor and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? fads, even a new dominating genre of shows.

"We've been heading toward this for years now," said Court-TV correspondent Mickey "Dutch" McMichaels. "First there were the ratings for the O.J. Simpson trial. After that, we've been covering various trials intently, the biggest ones or the most brutal or the strangest cases. And not just day-by-day trial updates. We're talking camera-in-the-courtroom or extensive court record accounts. Showing full or partial testimony, still pictures and drawings, even dramatizations. I think I saw David Schwimmer playing John Wayne Bobbitt somewhere, maybe before Friends was a big hit."

Celebrity court cases like those for O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, even lesser offenses like for Robert Downey, Jr. are already proven successes; but in addition, court cases are making new celebrities of their own. Like Andrea Yates, alleged Daniel Van Dam murderer David Westerfield, and Thomas Junta, the infamous "hockey dad" who murdered a fellow father at one of his son's games. It may have taken longer than expected, but the major networks are finally bringing the public what it wants: more murder stories and more murderers, right after or before their favorite "fake" murder shows, like C.S.I. and Law & Order.

"It's a complex story, with heroes and villains, with victims, a beginning, middle, and end, especially with these new shows that wrap it up in an hour," said McMichaels. "Plus, since it's real, you feel like you've watched real news without all the boring parts like world events and politics affecting our country."

As the style of popular shows change, say industry insiders, so will the kind of celebrities. The stars of tomorrow are planning their murders today.

McMichaels agreed. "If I were a washed-up actor in need of a big hit, like Burt Reynolds or Andrew McCarthy, I'd stop reading tired old scripts and start reading In Cold Blood," he said, referring to some book or something.

n investigative arm of Congress known only by the shadowy moniker of the General Accounting Office released a report on Tuesday detailing the extensive damage found by the Bush administration upon moving into the White House following Clinton's presidency. The report was requested by Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia, who found a badly decomposed mackerel in his suitcase after a recent round of bi-partisan prankery in the House and was as pissed as a Kennedy on St. Patrick's Day.

"When we got here, this place looked like a cross between Animal House and The Money Pit," stated Barr, flaunting his knowledge of house-themed comedy films.

According to the GAO report, Bush administration staffers found a veritable house of horrors upon moving into the White House in January of 2001. Drawers were glued shut, toilets were plugged with cement, and a life-sized wax statue of former president Gerald Ford was found in a compromising position in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Additionally, White House phones with speed-dial buttons marked with innocuous titles like "Pentagon" and "Chinese Food" were programmed to dial 1-900 sex numbers and a dildo wholesaler in Texas. One couch was horribly burnt, another was found floating in the pool and a large block of very old cheese was found beneath a dresser in the Blue Room.

Apparently, vandals had also damaged keyboards by removing all of the "W" keys and had burned a dirty limerick into the carpet of the Vermeil Room as the Clinton administration moved out of the White House last year. An unknown party also made off with a large presidential seal and the presidential mini-fridge, the investigative arm of Congress said on Tuesday.

But the General Accounting Office stopped short of making its own estimate of the extent of the damage reported by aides of Republican President Bush after they moved into the White House a year and a half ago, instead giving the White House a vague "shithole" rating.

It was not clear how much of the reported damage was intentional, or who was responsible for writing lyrics to songs by The Doors on multiple walls in neon-colored markers. It's difficult to assess how much of the repair money would have had to be spent anyway as part of the usual nightmarish presidential transition, the GAO said.

"Who the fuck knows, man?" GAO staffer Larry Worthram said of the damages. "They should just be happy the damn place is still standing, you know? I heard about some wild shit going on here, you know what I'm sayin'? Good times, man, good times. And it's all cool, you know, but I for one wouldn't try to reuse any of the bedding in there. But that's just me."

The report noted Bush administration estimates that it had cost some $14,000 to get West Wing of the White House and adjacent Eisenhower Executive Office Building into shape and to remove the smell of stale gym socks and leftover pizza after the Bush team moved in.

Barr requested the report from the GAO last year after he heard the touching story of a female Bush staffer who was injured when she tripped over a beer bong while the new administration was moving in on Jan. 20, 2001.

"Apparently those Clinton boys were a real group of party guys, some real fun lovers," Barr said of the report. "Assholes." Clinton's office in New York had no comment on the GAO document or Barr's big, blubbery butt.

The GAO recommended a "check-out" process for departing presidential staff in the future that includes detailed cleaning instructions and a 30-point checklist involving the mandatory cleaning of mini-blinds and conditions under which the departing president will be charged for carpet cleaning expenses. The checklist will have to be filled out in triplicate and signed by the departing president, under penalty of forfeiture of the White House security deposit.

The GAO report also noted that there had been damage observed during previous presidential transitions. Two people told the GAO that the damage Clinton's team found in 1993, when Bush's father had just moved out, was even worse than in 2001, and that they'd never seen so many used condoms in their whole entire lives.

I've always believed that a sense of play is paramount to the health of any long-term relationship. And though some times I may have doubted it, Dan, now I finally understand that you feel exactly the same way.

I have to admit you had me going for a while there, when you "broke up" with me, quit your job and moved to Tacoma. Things got a little weird when you didn't leave a forwarding address and I started to wonder if we were doing okay. But then I remembered how you loved to play-act when we were together, going home from the bar with other girls and conveniently "forgetting" to tell me that you'd changed the all the locks to the apartment. I have to admit; you sure knew how to keep a girl coming back for more! But your little "hard to get" routine didn't fool me then and I wasn't about to let it fool me when I was put to the big test. Before you could say "disappeared in the middle of the night" I was in a Seattle-area private investigator's office, proving just what I was willing to do for your love.

Of course, I wasn't naive enough to think that would be enough: after all, most any girl with a road atlas, a lock picking kit and a flexible career path could track you down in Tacoma and surprise you in your new apartment at three in the morning.

But only the true of heart would endure the endless trips to the police station and rounds of legal maneuvering necessary to prove their conviction over the next several months.

You knew I'd come through for you, Dan, and I did. No amount of door slamming, table-lamp swinging or screaming "Back to hell with you, bitch!" could shake from my mind the love I still saw in your eyes. Lesser girls probably would have given up after being shoved off the fire escape, but then of course they wouldn't have been worthy of your love.

A restraining order can send a lot of messages, but if you really wanted me to stay away, I know you would have made sure it was for more than a mere 100 meters. That's practically a Valentine's card, an invitation to buy some high-powered binoculars and peer into your bedroom window from the parking lot of the Taco Bell down the street. You know these little lovers' games drive me wild, you tease!

After all, if you really meant what you said about the end of Fatal Attraction, why would you go to the trouble of installing those electronic sensors in my bed to monitor my masturbations? Or what about the wafer-thin cameras hidden inside the patterns in my wallpaper? That just doesn't make sense.

Everybody thought I'd for sure throw in the towel when you married Darlene, or at least when Alicia and Barnaby were born. But they just don't understand us, Dan. I'm in this for the long haul. My love only goes stronger with every additional test, and with every night spent sleeping on your rooftop, peering down through the skylight until my breath fogs the glass.

Say what you like to the papers, Dan. I know you love me.

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