ourth and eighth-graders tested nationwide really screwed the pooch on a recent history exam, while 12th-graders were about as dumb as expected, the Education Department announced Thursday. The Bush administration was not impressed, calling the results "a shocking wake-up call of historicalistical proportions." More than 29,000 students took the history test that's part of the National Assessment of Educational Ineptitude, known informally as "Operation: Dumbo Drop."

Among fourth-graders, 67 percent had at least a basic understanding of the concept of history itself, though few could name any specific events. 13 percent showed no sense of events happening in the past at all, beyond a vague concept of everything happening "yesterday." That was three percentage points higher than in 1994, the last time the test was given.

Some 29,600 students, 87 percent of them apparently high on drugs at the time, took the test in 2001. The randomly selected test-takers answered multiple-choice, short-answer and essay questions with only a slightly higher success rate than a control group of lab mice trying to play "Axel-F" on a small Casio keyboard during the exam. Students were alarmingly befuddled by questions like these for fourth-graders:

Pilgrims came to North American in the 1700's fleeing what in Europe?
(a) the bubonic plague.
(b) religious persecution.
(c) Napoleon's army.
(d) Godzilla.


Only 45 percent answered correctly with (b).

What was a major cause of the Civil War?
(a) East Coast rap calling out West Coast rap.
(b) People in the North and in the South disagreed over slavery.
(c) Montel Williams.
(d) The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.


Correct answer: (b); 57 percent answered correctly.

The answers to the multiple-choice questions, however, looked like the minutes from a meeting of MENSA when compared to the short-answer section of the test. Asked to write in their own answer to the question "Who led Germany during World War II?" 57 percent of the students wrote "Arnold Schwarzenegger." The second and third most-frequent responses were no less alarming: "Tupac!" and "banana."

Deanna Norvich, an education historian and NAEI board member, called the students' answers "fuckin' hilarious" and said the seniors' scores were "about what you'd expect from a bunch of Taco Bell trainees."

"Since the seniors are very close to voting age or already have reached it, I wouldn't be at all surprised to see more professional wrestlers elected to public office in the near future. I'd be frightened if I weren't looking at the bright side: No way in hell someone younger than me is going to come and take my job in the next millennia. These kids couldn't operate a salad shooter."

She added: "Clearly, our high schools are failing to teach U.S. history well to these paste-eating morons. And by the time they're seniors there's no way you're going to get them to stop fucking and doing blow long enough to learn about Benjamin Franklin. It's just not happening."

According to the National Assessment Governing Board, the independent group that develops the NAEI for the Education Department, only 17 percent of fourth-graders scored above the "vegetable" level. Of those, 11 percent scored at the "head injury" level and another 3 percent fell into the higher "slow country cousin" grouping. Alarmingly, only 2 percent scored in the "can handle plastic silverware" group, the highest level attained in the test this year.

To be sure, many questions were tough, especially those asked of older students. An example:

There were many significant factors that led American colonists to form the First Continental Congress in 1774. Among them were colonial frustrations with laws passed by the British Parliament. What is your name?

Thirty-nine percent got that one right.

The NAEI is given in different subjects periodically, though always to predictably pathetic results that make adults feel smart again after their bank account has been drained by a ten year-old hacker. The 2001 national history test was the first given since 1994, when it was designed to test the effects of crop dusting on the nation's youth.

NAEI scores in geography are scheduled to be released this summer, with Vermont crossing its fingers that the state will be recognized for the first time ever on an NAEI exam.

sure sign of the times, Congress gave a blanket approval to any military budget requests from president Bush Friday.

In an effort to quickly pass a military budget to cover next year—and the exciting promise of future military operations—both the House and the Senate conceded that what was necessary for the defense of the United States and its aggressive acts overseas was surely better decided by the president than by countless Washington insiders just there to fatten their pockets.

"Now I'm a politician, not a militaritician," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois), "nor am I knowledgeable of what words mean. But the president is a well-informed man with infallible decision-making powers. That's all I need to know before I approve him for whatever he needs. Policeman and firefighters are the real heroes."

After months of arguing over details, according to one Washington insider, members of the House stopped the quibbling by loudly speaking out of turn and saying maybe they were just fighting with each other because of partisanship.

"Well, no one wanted to believe it was true," said Rep. Jose Serrano (D-NewYork), "but we thought it might be possible. That made all of us feel none too good, let me tell you."

It was at that point they agreed the president was better prepared to decide how billions of dollars would be spent on the military projects for the future. Only he had the close contact with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and other military officials, and only he knew what was planned for U.S. military actions next year.

The Democrat-controlled Senate quickly followed suit, approving the measure in record time.

"Our fellow representatives in the House are on the right track," said Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota). "We can't expect the president to stop doing all the things he has to do to come down here and ask us for money. He's busy making plans, and these plans affect the lives of millions of Americans. And if he's going to send them into battle, we better make sure he has the state-of-the-art equipment and funding they need."

The Senate roared with approval, although one minor voice in the background, a suspected Democrat, was heard to say, "Are you fucking crazy?"

On Saturday Daschle met with President Bush in the oval office with a giant blank check for a photo opportunity as Congress handed the president his open budget for 2003.

"Now just fill in the amount for whatever you think is fair, Mr. Bush," Daschle said, shaking hands with the president. "Keep our boys fighting as long as you think it's necessary. Just don't go buying anything all nutty like a Star Wars defense system or something," said Daschle with a laugh.

"It's not nutty, it really works," Bush snapped, turning red. "It can destroy 9 out of 10 nuclear missiles aimed at us by Russia agents or attacks from outer space."

Daschle then refused to give the check to Bush, saying he had to examine the date and make sure it was correct. He promised the check would be returned to Mr. Bush at a later time.

Did President Bush know about Osama bin Laden's terrible plans before September 11th? You bet your flight-school-flunking ass he did.

On August 19th, the CIA intercepted a top-secret communication between bin Laden and one of his top aides. Does the phrase "up your nose with a rubber hose" mean anything to you? Exactly. The CIA transmitted this translation to the president later that day:




oSamaYomama17: Hey diddle diddle, Malcom in the Middle.

die4aLLah: wasssssssaap, bitch?

oSamaYomama17: Ain't a thing, dawg. We still on for Allah's House Party?

die4aLLah: huh?

oSamaYomama17: Shit. Am I the only one that reads these code booklets? You know, the thing? Praise Allah, you stupid. I'm surprised they even let your ugly ass into flight school. You know, we gonna blow up them buildins and the White House or some corn field out in Pennsylvania or some shit? What, you got something else going on that week?

die4aLLah: Aw, right. Shit yeah dawg. I read ya. I though you wuz talking bout the J-lo concert on Sunday. I'm witcha. Death to them hatless motherfuckas! C;-P

oSamaYomama17: Ain't that some true shit. We still meeting up at the mall later?

die4aLLah: Without a doubt. As long as you're still not cruising round in that tired old head wrap. Haha. l8ter!



Many of you may have your fragile little worlds destroyed by the notion that the president knew of these horrors beforehand, but it'll bleach your pigment even further to know that it's happened before. Many times. Truman knew all about Pearl Harbor before it happened. Nixon knew about the Kennedy assassination. Hell, Reagan even knew who shot J.R.

But why, you ask, would Bush sit by and do nothing if he knew of the tragedy to come? Simple. Osama bin Ladin is…

George W. Bush's father.

I know we've all been led to believe that George Bush, Sr. is his true father. And it seems to make sense, what with the name and all. But what few know is that when W. was very young the powers that be feared the creation of an evil dynasty and took action, hiding him from his true parents. He was taken to live with his aunt and uncle Barbara and George, where he grew up far from the influence of Osama and his dastardly ways. Everyone knows that Osama bin Laden has more brothers than a Malcolm X fan club, but few in the media cared to dig deep enough to discover that among the list of Osama's fifteen brothers there lies one very familiar name: George Bush.

Senior.

What delicious irony that the progeny of Osama "Maraudin'" bin Laden would be hidden right under his nose, raised in the tutelage of his seafood-intolerant world leader brother. When Osama found out, he responded by throwing a rock at a plane in what was thought to be outrage. Though that's only an educated guess at best since bin Laden has long been known to throw rocks at planes to express a wide range of emotions.

Understandably, this has put President Bush in the most delicate of situations. Naturally, he wants to stop the needless destruction and loss of lives, and to bring the terrorists to justice. But he's pulled even more strongly by the need to confront his infamous father and come to grips with his own heritage. Bush, like any man, wants to play catch with his dad and go with him to a strip club. He wants the warm fireside chats, bugshit fatherly advice and savvy bomb-making lessons that are the birthright of all 87 of Osama's children.

Decisive action by Bush last August could have possibly averted the tragedy of September 11th. But what about the tragedy of a son never coming to know his father? Let's step back from our own selfish perspectives for a bit and think for a moment about a family reunion that's long overdue.

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