recent discovery of ancient heiroglyphics in Egypt describing a military victory by the legendary Scorpion King, and believed to be the oldest on record at approximately 5,250 years, has been relegated to runner-up status by a team of archaeologists working for the last four years in this southwest Asian spot where the Tigris joins the Euphrates. The team revealed yesterday that they have uncovered an ancient wall inscribed with primitive cuneiform marks that date back nearly 6000 years, or from about the year 4000 BC.

"We're very excited about this," said team leader Dr. Robert R. "Bob Bob" Clemons. "We've said all along that this is the cradle of modern, recorded civilization, right here, not that wasteland along the Nile. Those Egyptologist bitches can kiss my dusty brown ass, along with the dusty brown asses of every single one of my fellow researchers!"

The marks that had Dr. Clemons crowing like a jaybird and dancing about so excitedly appeared to be no more than a series of triangles and inverted vees, but their significance was made clear by the buzz that rippled through the international press corps that gathered to report the news.

"You can see right here," Dr. Clemons pointed out, gesturing to a series of isoceles triangles, "that there was definite gang activity going on in the area back in those ancient times. This line, for example, reads 'Sargon II is down with Nebuchadnezzer.' And over here, we have a reference to the 'Euphrates Mob,' a rival gang to the prominent 'Hanging Garden Boys' that dominated the banks of the Tigris."

Other cuneiform scratchings were translated as being gang slogans such as "Zoroastrians rule," "Medes are skanky bitches" and "Sumer Power – we the best, fuck the rest." There were also long listings of gang members' names, such as "Smiley," "Johnny Boxer," "Li'l Puppet," "Droopy," "Seymour" and "Jehosaphat."

When asked t o comment further on the translations and their significance, Dr. Clemons simply said, "Maybe some other time period, honey. Ha! That's an archaeological joke. No, but seriously, I've got a bottle of newly-unearthed 3000 year old wine waiting for me back at my tent. I'd hate to see it spoil." Though the remaining members of the press clamored for more information, all they got was a glimpse of Dr. Clemons' dusty brown ass disappearing into a complex of dark linen stretched between poles on the edge of the dig. He was seen carrying a large wheel of cheese, an earthen jar and some dates, and was leading a goat on a rope.

urprised by the waning media interest in the Bonny Lee Bakley murder case, the Blake prosecution team named young actor Christian Slater as a co-defendant in the case. As the prosecution's murder theory now stands, Blake murdered his wife in front of the Vitello's restaurant and Slater co-conspired in the plot and drove the getaway car.

The move has been seen by some to attract attention to a case that sounds pretty ho-hum in the modern media age. The Blake case, while garnering some media spotlight, has failed to attract the attention of the infamous O.J. Simpson case, lacking in comparison in brutality and sheer star power.

Slater, whose own career has slipped from attention in recent years, welcomed the prosecution, with a firm promise he and Blake will beat the charges.

"C'mon, we're famous!" he shouted at a press conference. "We'll be out in time to guest star on the Ally McBeal finale. Or, failing that, Fox Celebrity Boxing."

The prosecution announced at the same time it was dropping conspiracy charges against Robert Blake's bodyguard Earle Caldwell, saying he "just didn't appeal as strongly to the 18-35 age group as Slater."

"We thought of many possibilities," said prosecution team member Rad Harmscull. "Our first thought was Peter Falk, but we figured people might have trouble figuring out which is which. Todd Bridges was another possibility, but he had his day in criminal court for murder and we all yawned and let him go. This time I think we've got a can't-lose case for international media buzz."

However, Blake counsel Harland Braun was less pleased about the move.

"It's ridiculous media manipulation by the prosecution," said Braun. "Mr. Blake is not afraid to have his day in court over this matter, but we're not going to share it with some kid from Young Guns 2. Not to mention it makes no sense. They don't even know each other. Why not longtime Blake friend talk show host Tom Snyder or something? This is plainly a media-oriented move by the prosecution."

If the co-defendant prosecution ignites sparks in media interest, there are already rumors abounding about bringing in former Wiseguy star Ken Wahl on a conspiracy to destroy evidence charge. And if that move is successful, Wahl could receive his own spin-off murder trial, depending on the focus group's look at the evidence.

"I think we're doing very well now," Harmscull said. "We took a so-so case and have possibly made it into the trial of the century. This century, and even bigger than the trial of last century. Sure, we may not win as all the facts don't line up meticulously. But while we could've had a victory and execution before, killed some little rascal for some humdrum crime no one cared about… now we've created a lasting piece of criminal justice. This is the trial to which all others will be compared. And if it takes off, we promise there will be others."

Dear commune:

Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students.

Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection committee, made up of teachers, parents, corporate executives and our cousins, study the records of millions of high school students to find those well-rounded students with high academic marks, extra-curricular activities, and minimal acne. And you fit into that category.

Do not forget to celebrate this occasion with the purchase of a hardbound copy of Who's Who of American High School Students for $39.95 using the included purchase form. Don't let your relatives and loved ones be left out either—select the quantity option for as many copies as you want, and they can all enjoy your success.

The Who's Who of American High School Students
Selection Committee/Sales Team


Dear WWoAHSS:

This sounds like a complete scam to us. Some privately-run company deems us an extraordinary student and wants to sell us a $40 book (or several $40 books) to bask in the glory?

Perhaps we should stress our incredulity by saying we're a collective organization, an alternative news source, and not a high school student in the first place. It's a little ridiculous to see how we could have all gone to high school under one identity, right?
Still, it will look real good on our high school transcripts. Sign us up for one—no! Two. Two. Maybe we'll get more at a later date.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Hi there. I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Just kidding. I only wanted to write in and say how much I love the commune, I think it's great. It's the last place I turn for informative news, heh.

I'm not sure if I'm your first celebrity letter or not, but it would be great to fill that place on the commune wall of fame. I've seen some of those news articles you've got about celebrities like Paul McCartney and Jewel, so all I can ask ahead of time… go easy on me! Heh.

Okay, the jig's up. I'm not Chevy Chase, and you're not either, but I'm actually Chevy Chase lookalike Fred Coogan. I should say professional Chevy Chase lookalike, I get paid to show up at business meetings and such and pretend to be Chevy Chase for a good laugh.

Still, I bet I had you going there!

Fred Coogan

Milwaukee, WI


Dear Fred:

Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don't know… a picture included or something? It's hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds. Although Red Bagel himself thinks you are Chevy Chase just trying to disguise your tracks halfway through an ill-conceived letter. Already we feel it was ill-conceived to print it, but we're short on material.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Ed Phillips here again. I am being brutally beaten by a gathering a villagers armed with torches. I would appreciate any help I can get from you, thank you kindly.
Also, I figure I can put an educational spin on all this asking the kids out there to never leave the house in a small European village with bolts on your neck. Especially a house that looks like a castle. Thanks again.

Ed Phillips
Hackensack, NJ

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for starting the fire. We've heard it's been burning since the world's been turning, though judging by the quick denial you might want to take another look at Billy Joel.

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