daring pre-dawn raid on ADVO national headquarters, concluding a joint investigation between the FBI and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, has resulted in the discovery of thousands of missing children this week. Americans from all walks of life have responded, in unison, (kind of like in Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall, except they’re not all little English kids) “Holy shit? Really. Wait, what’s ADVO?�

ADVO, Inc., the nation’s largest full-service targeted direct mail marketing services company with annual revenues of over $1 billion, is best-known (and by that we mean among people who can tell the difference between different targeted direct mail marketing services companies, so like four people in Iowa maybe and probably your dad) for its partnership with the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. Together, ADVO and the NCMEC have mailed “Have You Seen Me?�® cards weekly to over 79 million American households and nearly a dozen people who are having their mail forwarded to Canada.

ADVO began its partnership in 1985, and in the seventeen years since over 100 missing children have been returned to their forgetful parents after being featured on the ubiquitous “Have You Seen Me?�® cards. Until very recently, the rest were all thought to be lost to the sands of time, or baked in a witch’s cake or something. But in fact most have been working at ADVO mail processing centers around the country the entire time, living in military-style barracks and not getting any kind of chocolate milk whatsoever. Twenty ADVO centers have been operating solely on missing-child labor since 1985, distributing both Super Coups™ mailers and, ironically, the “Have You Seen Me?�® cards themselves.

“In retrospect, it should have been obvious,� said Mark Schroeter, head of the FBI’s investigation for the last ten years. “I mean, duh!� Schroeter continued, violently smacking himself on the forehead. “What a fuckin’ dipshit move! I’m so fucking stupid! Stupid!� Schroeter carried on further, attempting to kick himself in the ass before losing his balance and falling into a stack of phonebooks.

“This is JUST like the time those jewel thieves hid in my trunk and I unknowingly transported them away from the crime scene and to eventual freedom. Way to go, dumbass! You fucking gimp, how’d they ever let you into the Bureau? You couldn’t find a white guy at a boat show! Gaaaaaaaaaawwwd!� Schroeter said as he stomped up and down and threw his government ID into a nearby tree.

“We’re looking for these kids in fucking Guam and the whole time ADVO is just scooping them up off the streets and putting them to work in the mail processing centers. Shit do we look dumb. Way to go, guy, that was sure some tax money well spent, you dickless wonder. We practically printed them up a license to steal. Or kidnap, or whatever. You know what I mean. Do I just have total shit for brains, or what? You shouldn’t even be interviewing me. I’ll probably fuck up your newspaper somehow.�

A dramatic scene had unfolded that morning as ADVO head Scranton McNally was led away in handcuffs by FBI agents, pausing briefly before cameras to snarl “And I would have got away with it, too, if it weren’t fo-� before he was cut off by Agent Schroeter, who stormed through the middle of the scene, shouting: “Fucking lousy cop coming through! Make room for the imbecile! Everyone gather round, have your picture taken with the amazing asshead! Come on, kick me in the nuts while I can still feel it!�

Thousands of relieved parents who had been flown in from around the country for photo-ops stood teary eyed through the mass reuniting, then spontaneously broke into the chorus of “Teach Your Children Well� before being interrupted repeatedly by sounds of a tussle as Agent Schroeter attempted to run himself over with an FBI van.

or a record 28th year in a row, Yasser Arafat, leader of the mega-popular boy band PLO, has been voted "Hunkiest Palestinian." The award, which often leads to lucrative endorsement deals and speaking engagements, was not unexpected. Mr. Arafat had token opposition from members of PLO-spinoff bands Hamas and Hezbollah, but no one seriously expected any of them to challenge the reigning MC Mullah of the Gaza for the winner's turban this year.

In a café here on the West Bank, 16-year-old rock-throwing enthusiast Rajouba Aswan said about Mr. Arafat, "He's the OG, man. He's to die for." Friend Jamil Barghouti, 17, chimed in, while adjusting an explosive-laden vest. "That's right, yo. Yas-Dog – I mean, Mr. Arafat – is da bomb."

Cited by West Bank teenagers as reasons for voting for Mr. Arafat as the Imam of Palestinian Hunks were, among other reasons, "the way that big bottom lip of his quivers when he talks," and "his rad beard, dude." Also mentioned were his "big, sad puppy dog eyes," and his "cool sense of fashion."

Asked for comment, Mr. Arafat responded, "I am humbled to be once again chosen, praise Allah, and I would like to send my thanks and blessings to all the young G's and martyrs out there, to all my peeps and homies. May Allah smile upon you, and may your quota of 70 virgins in paradise be each one beautiful and have all of their own teeth."

How was your day?

Eh. Half and half.

Half milk and half cream?

Nope, more like Heroin and Alf.

Like Jerry Stahl?

I said Heroin and Alf.

Never mind.

What's that you're drinking?

A can of orange juice.

I didn't see you shake that.

That's right, you didn't.

It says "Shake gently before enjoying".

Don't worry. I'm not enjoying it.

"No, nevermind operator. I don't have an emergency. I mean to dial 9-1-2. Sorry."

Do you realize those shoes don't go with those pants?

What, brown and black don't match now?

No, the characters.

Charlie Brown and Lucy don't go together? Did I miss an episode?

That's not Lucy, that's a Powerpuff Girl.

Really?

Uh-huh.

And Powerpout Girls don't go with Charlie Brown?

That's not Charlie Brown, that's Cartman.

The slob kid?

That's Pigpen. You're on the wrong show.

Then who in the hell do I have on my underwear?

Those are stains, not characters.

They have character.

I stand corrected.

Do you ever think about what happens when you die?

Your shoes change color and you have to bleach the sink.

That sounds dangerous for the environment. Like that movie.

Spice World?

No, the one with Jason Robards. Edwynn. Edwynn Broncobitch.

You never leave the house, do you?

Only during fire drills.

I've got one for you.

Only one?

Yes. Why is an elephant like an accordion?

Why?

I didn't say it was a joke.

Oh.

Do you think I'm fat?

Not impressively.

People say I'm the biggest waist of their time.

They'll do that.

I wonder if I'll get any more mail today?

Not likely. Unless you grow a mustache. I'd suggest handlebars.

You think that's why my bike keeps crashing?

You never know.

I take that personally.

I meant to bark it like a dog.

Once again, you've failed.

If I was executed by the press, would they use a noosepaper?

Not likely, I think they've gone Hindu. All I hear about is the press on nails.

I hear they make quiet neighbors. No creaking beds.

True, but they're hell on inflatable sheep.

What do you think of human cloning?

I think they should leave cloning to the clowns.

Too true. What about genetic engineering?

Somebody has to drive the trains.

You couldn't be more right.

I'm every bit the riot you are. I've got cars on fire.

I've got people setting fire to their own grandparents.

Really? Are they burning well?

Like cordwood.

I'll have to remember to pack some grandparents the next time I go camping.

Do you camp often?

-silence-

Hello?

Oh, sorry. I thought you were talking to someone else.

So did I.

Taxi!

Slugbug! -sock-

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