Colin Powell An Ass Man

Secretary of State, war hero likes butts and cannot lie

March 18, 2002

Washington, D.C.

Ansel Evans

Oh, yeah, Secretary of State likey

.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell answered an M-TV audience's question on the show Be Heard: An M-TV Global Discussion With Colin Powell that, despite contradictory claims by friends and gossipers, he is indeed an ass man.

"Sure enough," Powell said, addressing a room full of inquisitive teen-agers and fine ladies, "I am, always have been, and always will be a connoisseur of sweet asses."

"Don't get me wrong," Powell continued, "I love every part of a tasty young ladyâ€”and I do mean every part. But if you nailed me down, oh, I don't know, say held a gun to my hand and demanded to knowâ€¦ it's true, folks. I'm a rear admiral."

Previous statements from sources close to the Secretary of State have suggested he loves big and bouncy titties, ...

Yates Trial Inspires Color-Coded "Insanity" Chart

Complex case-by-case analysis replaced with Crayola poster

March 18, 2002

Washington, D.C.

Courtesy Tom Ridge's Desk

State-of-the-art legal definitions of insanity

he trial of Andrea Yates for the murder of her five children has created heated discussion over the nature of insanity in the legal system. Insanity, in a legal context, can allow a defendant to avoid execution or imprisonment if proven their illness prevented them from knowing the actions were illegal while they were committing them.

Yates, a Texas woman who claimed her mental illness caused her to kill her five children, was found guilty of premeditated murder Friday and sentenced to life imprisonment. Defenders of Yates say the decision will send a sick person to prison where she will not get help. Critics of the defenders of Yates say those defenders are dressed poorly, and that Yates committed a crime with full knowledge of what she was doing.

U.S. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, hot on the heels of his recent color-coded terror alert system, has stepped in to help alleviate the discussion of mental illness as a legal defense. Sunday Ridge introduced a color-coded mental illness "insanity" warning chart that will clearly and efficiently establish what constitutes not guilty by reason of insanity defenses and what constitutes loony, but criminally viable.

With Ridge's new chart, the color green would constitute a normally sane person who has committed no criminal act. Such a state for a person would be known as "normal" and be an umbrella term for everybody, such a common occurrence in fact there really seems to be no reason for it to exist. You could really just start with purple and save everybody the extra color since there's no special precautions or notice that goes along with the green state.

Purple would define "fun" crazy, where no crimes have been committed and things are likeably outside the norm. This state of insanity would include cards, office cut-ups, and guys who say things that are just plain wild. Anyone who sells factory goods at low, low prices might fall into this category. Blue would be extremely eccentric, even unlikable people. Artists, real artists not Starbucks staffers who say they're artists, would fall into this category, as well as people who we would gladly lock up if only they had done something illegal. On the extreme end of this spectrum, calling that dark blue, would be soccer rioters, people prone to violence for little things, and wrestling fans.

Yellow would cover extremely emotionally dysfunctional people. The co-dependent, bi-polar, attention deficit disorder sufferers and any made up diseases to explain extreme unhappiness would fit into this disorder. Misdemeanors committed by people in this state would result in the same punishment as a person in the green or blue state, but with court-ordered counseling as an attached feature of the sentencing. Felonies committed by celebrities would also result in counseling, public service announcements, and a film career to be replaced by appearances of Fox comedy-dramas.

Orange would cover all criminals suffering from mental illness who commit felonies, from property damage and larceny to murders and maintain a state of incoherency at all times of the day. Victims of these types of mental illnesses should be so ill punishing them would be no fun as they'd have no idea they're being punished. Institutionalization would be the standard punishment for this grade of mentally ill criminal. Anyone in this state who does not commit a crime should be allowed their freedom to get a job and shelter on their own without the government's involvement.

Since orange and yellow are so close a color on the chart, there really isn't much difference. Anyone in either state can be determined "yorange" and treated either way, no big deal.

Red, the highest state of insanity, would apply to cases of national interest because of the gruesome details or lack of other good news at the moment. Red-level criminals can be guilty of brutality, such as Andrea Yates murdering her own children in cold blood, or disgusting crimes to be discussed around the water cooler for months, like the O.J. Simpson or Jeffrey Dahmer cases. Marked a by a coherency the orange-level insane criminals lack, red-level criminals shall escape the death penalty by the nature of the bizarre outcry in their defense from seemingly-normal people across the country. With a large income, a red-level defendant can escape a guilty verdict entirely. Upon finishing his explanation of the new chart, Ridge summarized: "There. I think this changes nothing. But at least we can assign colors to it."

the commune news smells bacon. You smell bacon? Red Bagel is the commune's fearless editor and has a nice shiny quarter for you around here somewhereâ€”why, here it is, right in your ear!

March 18, 2002

Camp with Me, Only Separately

the commune's Stu Umbrage wants to light his own fire, baby

º Last Column: Welcome to the Machine
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Good is the news and the news is good (as they say in the Philistines), I've got Friday off. That's right, all it took was a ball gag and three tubes of astroglide, and Joe Friday was crowing like a rooster. I- yeeeeeeeich- Uhm, yeah. So the camping is on.

It shall be a grand old time, where I shall commune with nature, and be blacklisted as a communist agitator, never to work in Hollywood again. I shall fish, and bird... and ferret. I shall canoe... and I shall car. I shall stand at the edge of the great woods, look in, and say: "I think something died in there. Yuck."

And just so you can win (or lose) your office betting pool over how I got the time off, thanks to Nootles not being here yet I mustered up the extreme courage (while I did mustard my sandwich) to call Bagel at home, to interrupt his vacationary reverie and to have him, after near seconds of deliberation, say unto me, pass on the immortal words that shall be carved in a goblet of pure gold to stand watch over the mantle place for future generations to come: "Yeah, sure."

It was a grueling battle, a hard-won victory that shall not be taken lightly, that shall stand for generations as a pure golden example of human potential in the face of unthinkable adversity, of personal triumph against sterilizing odds, and as my alibi for why I couldn't have possibly caused that blueberry stain on the rug. On a totally unrelated side note, blueberry cheesecake is very good.

So to you gentle reader, I implore you to take this brave step with me, to, in fact, rise to your highest potential and throw mortal fear to the wind, requesting, with great hubris, Friday off as well. It's done wonders for my confidence, and my complexion, and has given me a whole new outlook on life. Realizing this, I say why not have a day where we all leave the shackles of employment behind us, fling our undershorts to the wind, and all go camping. Not all together, mind you, because I share my lite beer with no one, but we should each camp individually in our own local campitoriums, and revel in the outdoorsiness of it all. I know in my various bones that we'll all have a new lease on life once we've secured our freedom for this coming Friday. It shall be a towering beacon of courage in this squalid, meek little world. And it is my sincere hope that, once you've fought the good fight, once you've slew the demons of ignorance with the short-sword of courtesy, once you've plumbed the darkest depths of the human soul and soared to it's loftiest peaks, that you, too shall hear these noble words intoned: "Yeah, sure."

I leave you to your task. Godspeed.

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Milestones

1998: Omar Bricks pees off the world's largest man-made waterfall. Not really relevant to anything else, but still pretty cool.

Now Hiring

Yes Man. Agreeable sort needed to attend staff meetings and dilute the concentration of "Huh?" Men presently attending.

Top New Year's Resolutions

1.	Quit being such an asshole
2.	Exercise every day. Every Arbor Day.
3.	Kill them all
4.	Lose 20 pounds to limey con artist
5.	Quit smoking halibut

Bush Reveals New Shadow Government

BY roland mcshyster

3/4/2002

Holy washed-up franchise, Batman! It's Oscar season and no lisping game bird is going to convince Roland McShyster otherwise. Pay no heed to the lies about Christmastime, the most magical time of the year is truly upon us. So let's get coked up to the gills and revel in the joy that is the month before the Oscars!
Here's your dossier on the bewildering list of nominees:

Best Picture

A Beautiful Mime -read EP review-

This film touched me in much the same way as last year's Requiem for a Dreamcast. Both were films made me stand up and shout back at the void: "Now THOSE are some ti...

Goosefart Park

Those loveable Animal House morons are back, and this time they're stuck at a quaint Country Inn in the small English town of Goosefart Park. A surprise pick for a Best Picture nomination, but you'll be hard-pressed to find a film this year with more beaver jokes. There's a lot of raunchy humour for the whole family, but this isn't a one-sided farce. The film also brings home the important life lesson that England is stupid.

In the Bedroom

It's a bold statement, but this is probably the best film ever based on a Cream song. To be honest, I didn't understand the movie any better than I understood the tune, (psychedelic interior decorating tips? And who buys black curtains these days?) but regardless, this flick is head and heels above Kevin Costner's dismal Aqualung.

The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring -read EP review-

This is the year gay boxing movies stepped into the mainstream, and there is no finer example than The Lords of the Ring. If a picture is worth a thousand words, and this isn't the best picture of the year, then that means there are a thousand finer words out there somewhere, and personally I find that disbelievable. This is one of those rare movies that grabs you by your manhood and sucks you off. Or in. And as the wizened old boxing trainer Gaydar says in the film: "Sometimes you choose gay boxing. And sometimes gay boxing chooses you." I couldn't have put it better, even with 989 more words and a Polaroid.

Mule in Rouge -read EP review-

Another surprise nomination for Best Picture, as the Academy seems to have a soft spot for screwball comedies this year. This time it's a loveable Talking Mule picture that gets the surprise nod and a wink. And I know what you're thinking, that they always nominate the Talking Mule pictures but they never win the big awards. It's like an unwritten rule. But this year things could be different since there's a lot of buzz under this donkey's tail and I hear the Church of Scientology is throwing it's Hollywood weight around to secure the golden flasher for this picture.

Best Director

Don Henley, A Beautiful Mime -read EP review-

Leave it to a former Eagle to take this tale of form-fitting mime costumes all the way to the limit. Sure, he could have taken it easy, but that's not Henley's style. Being the new kid in town, director-wise, he had a lot to prove, and I for one am hoping there's no heartache for him on Oscar night. Hopefully his film will leave Academy voters with a peaceful, easy feeling, and provide them with a place to hide their lion eyes.

Ripley Scott, Black Hawk Down -read EP review-

Every film this guy does without having a space lizard or whatever spring out of his chest is a triumph in my book. I'd really be pulling for him to take home the gold this year on that basis alone if it weren't for the fact that his movie had way too much pan flute music in it for my tastes. I mean, I guess it's a depressed-bird kind of instrument, but in my opinion you can take that too far.

Robert Palmer, Goosefart Park

Three years ago it was all about foreign dictators directing films, and last year it was about rock-band movies. This year the natural progression continues and it's pop stars turning into directors, and nobody was more surprised than me to discover that this pedophile-looking limey can direct a frat comedy like nobody's business. Both this film and A Beautiful Mime make me realize how far ahead of his time Terrence Trent D'Arby really was when he directed The Thin Red Line a few years ago, really the grandfather of pop star directors. Sure, the inclusion of Power Station's Some Like it Hot in Palmer's film was a little self-serving, but I have to admit it synched up pretty well with the scene where the morons set the Inn on fire.

Peter, Paul and Mary Jackson, The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring -read EP review-

What's more amazing than pop stars making the successful transition to directing feature films? How about entire bands making the leap? Scoff no more my friends, because it happened while you weren't paying attention. If these 60's folkamuffins can direct the best gay boxing film ever, I can't wait to see Metallica's directorial debut this summer.

David Lynch, Mulholland Drive -read EP review-

Sure, he's crazier than a shithouse weasel, but there's no denying that some people out there enjoy the scrambled brainbatter he yanks out of his rectum every few years. Personally, I liked his films more before he decreed that all film scores should be played by throwing live fish at a piano, but you've got to admire his creative vision.

Best Actor

Russell Crowe, A Beautiful Mime -read EP review-

Really rubbing the charm thin after his role in Almost Famous, Crowe serves as a cleavage-blocking impediment to an otherwise arresting film. Back to the Louvre with you, Frenchie.

Sean Penn, I Am Sam -read EP review-

Leave it to a balls-out amazing actor like Penn to garner an Oscar nomination for the smallest of roles. Some may argue that his cameo as the fox in the box was too scant a role to deserve the Oscar nod, but I ask you this: did you ever doubt for a second that that there was really a fox in that box where Knox would not eat the green eggs and ham, would not eat them Sam I Am? I rest my case.

Geoffrey Rush, Lantana

Who?

Mr. Smith, ALI -read EP review-

Talk about taking a boring film and driving it right into the dull, lifeless ground! This is it. The American Law Institute could have salvaged some shred of an audience's attention by casting a big-name star in this plodding logjam of a film, but instead they chose to feature this faceless corporate lawyer in an unbelievably gray suit. I thought for a second this movie might turn into a Pink Floyd video but in the end it turned out that irony was not on the witness list.

Denzel Washington, Training Day -read EP review-

After a long, painful journey, Denzel finally finds his niche in this talking toddler pic. He's never had a finer moment than when he's chasing little Mikey around the apartment while he's got a shitty pair of pull-ups around his ankles (but don't ask me why Denzel was wearing pull-ups in the first place! Zing!). It just goes to show that talent can blossom late, and here Denzel is at his best since To Wong Fuâ€¦

Best Animated Film
In a surprising move by the Academy, the Best Actress category has been replaced this year by a new award for Best Animated Film. I'm sure you can imagine the endless griping that has ensued, but for what? I mean, who doesn't like cartoons?

Jimmy Nimrod: Boy Genius -read EP review-

Hands-down the funniest film of the year, and one of the main reasons you'll be hearing Roland McShyster's tortured screams echoing up from hell once we all hit the afterlife. I stand behind my actions, however, and if seeing an exploitive comedy about a retarded super-spy twelve times in the theater is a damnable offense, then damn the torpedoes and steer this cruise ship towards the Hades water park, my friends.

Mobsters, INC. -read EP review-

A computer-animated classic set in the mobster's paradise of New Jersey. A funny, fascinating, and fuggetaboutit musical for those of us who like our fellas good and our fathers godly. Or something, I don't know. Look for Joe Piscapo in his trademark insane mobster role.

Beatty and the Beast

I had the weird deja-vu feeling that I'd seen this movie before, but with all of the great new stuff they're cranking out, it's not like Disney would just rehash one of their old movies to make a few extra bucks. Anyway, it's great to see Ned Beatty working again, though to be honest sometimes I got confused about who was the Beast.

And that's a wrap! Now's it's time to bask in the afterglow while we await the ceremony itself. When will it be? Nobody knows! But that's half the fun of it. And from me to you, America, I hope it's some kind of wonderful. See you in a month!