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March 4, 2002   
Your very own shallow grave
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Georgia Man Makes Killing on Corpses

Zombies the growth industry of the young millenium
March 4, 2002
Noballs, Georgia
Junior Bacon
Entrepreneur Ray Brent Marsh gets product straight from the source
"
The secret to success," says entrepreneur Ray Brent Marsh, a prominent figure in this small town in Georgia, "is finding a need and filling it. And that's exactly what I've done."

Marsh is up for Georgia State Businessman of the Year, thanks to his aggressive campaign to corner the market on purveyors of the undead and newly-dead. With an inventory that numbers in the hundreds of bodies—"Hell, I've lost track of how many there are out there myself!" he laughs—Marsh is miles ahead of his nearest competitors.

"Most of the suppliers in the past have been small-time operators, people like John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Andrea Yates... I've just taken what they've done and turned it into a large-scale distribution network."

Marsh paused to take a deep dra...Read more...

Russell Crowe Receives Oscar Nod for Role in Ben Gay Commercial

Academy hopes Aussie actor will notice them at long last
March 4, 2002
Hollywood, California
Ramrod Hurley
Russell Crowe, wishing he was birthing a sheep
I
n a move destined to boil the blood of the fourteen Americans who still associate the Oscars with outstanding achievement in film, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that it has added a supplemental Best Actor nomination to the field for this year's awards.

The additional nomination was given to Australian actor Russell Crowe for his performance in a 30-second Ben Gay commercial from 1991, which featured Crowe touting the virtues of the medicated ointment from a locker room after a taxing squash workout.

Reaction has been swift and fast from film critics and movie buffs alike, who suggest that the Academy's butt-kissing of Crowe has reached an unprecedented level now that they have run out of film performances for which to nominate ...Read more...




March 4, 2002
Click for Biography

I've Had Plenty of Inappropriate Relationships

the commune's Clarissa Coleman is no stranger to high-infedility
You remember back when that hillbilly president was accused of poking the office help? In the end he never admitted he got his jolly roger vacuum-cleaned, but he did admit to an "inappropriate relationship" with the lady. That's classy, man. Never say the fuck word. Oops, I mean F-word. I'd like to have an inappropriate relationship with a guy like that.

Not that I haven't had my share of inappropriate relationships. I've been saying it that way ever since I heard it, because I, too, am a class act. So here's a quick list of some inappropriate relationships.

A lot of smarmy journalists and water cooler gossipers always insinuate I had some kind of inappropriate relationship with the actor who played my father on Who's Your Daddy?, Brad Van Danner. That is entirely...Read more...

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Milestones
1992: Ramon Nootles is married in Las Vegas. It is not the last wedding for Nootles, nor his last in Las Vegas, nor his last making heavy use of alcohol and strippers.
Now Hiring
Hooker. Must pretend to be girlfriend while bosses are visiting. Live with handsome bachelor, no sex involved, go on crazy shopping expeditions with high potential for comedy. Should be capable of winning people over with down-to-earth personality. If successful, will go on to become full-time beard for obviously gay attractive man.
Top Box Office
1.Ashley Judd's Weird Appeal
2.Black Man Down
3.The Royal Waterbong
4.Trailer for Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
5.Freddie Prinze Jr. Smiles Dumbly For 90 Minutes
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Americans Copying Shitty Music They Refuse to Buy

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
3/4/2002
Holy washed-up franchise, Batman! It's Oscar season and no lisping game bird is going to convince Roland McShyster otherwise. Pay no heed to the lies about Christmastime, the most magical time of the year is truly upon us. So let's get coked up to the gills and revel in the joy that is the month before the Oscars!
Here's your dossier on the bewildering list of nominees:


Best Picture



A Beautiful Mime  -read EP review-

This film touched me in much the same way as last year's Requiem for a Dreamcast. Both were films made me stand up and shout back at the void: "Now THOSE are some ti...Read more...