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February 18, 2002   
If indifference had a website
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Milosevic Sports New Mustache For Trial

Hopes dapper new look will lead to acquittal
February 18, 2002
The Hague, Netherlands
Junior Bacon, Up Close For The Commune
New Milosevic 'stache. It's supposed to look that way.
F
ormer Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic showed up for the first day of his war crimes trial in The Hague, Netherlands with a fierce determination to prove his innocence against the charges—and with a hot new look.

Milosevic's new mustache was reportedly recommended by his legal advisors, in an effort to change his appearance from the Slobodan Milosevic that has been seen all over the news, a visage people around the world have come to know and hate for the charges against him. Legal advisors believed a mustache would make Milosevic look more distinguished and lovable, like America's Wilford Brimley.

Yuri Nokostimov, a part of Milosevic's legal team, was quoted as saying, "Uh… it isn't quite what I had in mind. It's, er, definitely a… change. Big chang...Read more...

MSNBC's Chris Matthews Undergoes More Surgery

Fervent ass-kissing leads to rare
February 18, 2002
Dickbrain, MD
Courtesy MSNBC
Chris Matthews, either post- or pre-surgery
S
yndicated newspaper columnist and host of MSNBC's Hardball Christopher Matthews was reported to be resting comfortably following three hours of surgery to remove excess fecal matter from his nose, lips and cheeks yesterday. Doctors at Walter Reed Memorial Hospital confirmed that this was the fifth such procedure in just the last two weeks.

"The problem starts with his kissing the president's ass," chief surgeon Jerome Splay told reporters. "He's just such an enthusiastic ass-kisser. He gets all up in there, you know, and he never knows when to quit."

Asked how long this had been going on, Dr. Splay responded, "It all started about the middle of September. Before that, the only thing we ever saw Chris in here for was over-inhalation of helium. He's got that ...Read more...




February 18, 2002
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History

"My college years were plentiful with fun and new experiences. When I recall people from that time I always think of my European History professor, Mr. Carmel.

'Hartwig,' he once told me—he always called me Hartwig—'Hartwig, history is written by the winners. There are a thousand untold stories from history that have been revised and edited by generations after. People who did not feel the truth was in the best interest of society. We must never forget that.'

He would take a puff off his pipe and continue, 'There are inventions we have lost to the ravages of time because those who inherited them could not see the value, lacking the vision of those who created them. Diseases could have been cured, populations fed and clothed and sheltered, suffering that existe...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“History is written by Jonathan Winters.”

-Germaine "Double Dip" Proverb
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For God's sake, don't climb up in that porcupine tree. Sorry, being optimistic still won't get you a discount on eyeglasses. Remember, "lambast" is neither a compliment nor a veterinary term. This week, you will find love where you least expected it: up the ass. Your lucky disguise: a giant plastic toucan.


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Canadians Outraged As Dog Takes Gold For Skiing

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BY roland mcshyster
2/4/2002
Aloha, America! Nope, I'm not reporting to you from sunny Hawaii today but that was a pretty good guess. I'm just in a sunshine and grass skirt kind of mood today; I can't explain it. Maybe it was that Hawaiian Tropics commercial I saw the other day. Or maybe it was the Eskimo Pie I ate this morning. Actually the more I think about it, that Eskimo Pie bit doesn't make a bit of sense. Some would argue that you can't get any further away from Hawaii's welcoming shores than to be huddled in a miserable freezing igloo, gnawing on whale fat. And they're probably right, but nevertheless I link the two mentally. Maybe it's those cute little pudgy babies. Come to think of it, Eskimos and Hawaiian Islanders sure do look a lot alike. Maybe a little too much. I'm beginning to think they're running a...Read more...