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"The Truth" Goes Unrecognized at White HouseFormer heavyweight champ stumps politicians February 4, 2002 |
Washington, DC Rico Pollico/the Commune Many are disoriented when faced with "The Truth"
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said "The Truth" looked very much a like "a guy I once hired to put up some sheet rock in my basement, and a couple times we would go off into the little closet down there to smoke crack and give each other handjobs, but other than that, I can't place him."
The president himself was similarly disinclined to speculate on ...
ormer heavyweight champion Carl "The Truth" Williams visited the Bush White House recently, at the invitation of Secretary of State Colin Powell, and no one there seemed to have a clue as to who he actually was. "The Truth" got the grand tour, meeting with the president, the vice president and many members of their respective staffs, yet all expressed puzzlement as to who he might really be or why he was there.
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said "The Truth" looked very much a like "a guy I once hired to put up some sheet rock in my basement, and a couple times we would go off into the little closet down there to smoke crack and give each other handjobs, but other than that, I can't place him."
The president himself was similarly disinclined to speculate on the identity of his guest. "How the hell should I know?" he asked. "All them fellas look alike to me. He's not the guy who delivers the pretzels, is he? Because if he is, I got a few words of ornerification for him."
Vice president Dick Cheney, when asked if he recognized "The Truth," responded by saying that it was possible that he did, but that it would endanger national security and the ability of future vice presidents to effectively do their job if he admitted it. He went on to say that if "The Truth" were to accompany him to an undisclosed location, perhaps they could discuss the matter further by the side of a warm fireplace full of shredded documents.
Mary Matalin, Cheney's spokesperson, came closest to recognizing "The Truth" when she admitted that, "after studying him closely, he does look very much like that guy that fisted me and my serpentine husband up the ass without Vaseline one afternoon last November, but I can't be positive without James here."
Mr. Williams said that, despite the lack of recognition, he very much enjoyed his tour of the First Residence. "Muthafuckahs be livin' large here, y'all!" he was quoted as saying when the Secret Service escorted him out by way of the South Lawn. "Word, dawg, place be almost as happenin' as George Foreman's crib. Sheee-it." the commune news is proud to say that it always recognizes The Truth when it is accompanied by a valid picture ID and a short bio. Bludney Plud, desperate for a little recognition himself, has been
 | American Planning Sequel to Hit Black Hawk DownWhite House aims to please audiences by returning to Somalia February 4, 2002 |
Washington, DC Junior Bacon Real-life political disaster makes for kick-ass blockbuster
"The characters, the firefights, everything was so realistic," said President Bush, after a screening at the White House. "The only thing was I wanted to see a clearer victory for American soldiers. I'm sure audiences felt the same way. And by gum, I love to give the American people what they want."
Black Hawk Down is based on factual events experienced by troops in Mogadishu, Somalia in 1993. A spiral of events following a botched military operation and the loss of a MH-60 Black Hawk helicopter led to the death of 18 American soldiers in battle ...
oosted by good numbers at the box office and positive reviews from film critics and the Bush administration, the White House and Congress have already begun planning a sequel to the hit film Black Hawk Down.
"The characters, the firefights, everything was so realistic," said President Bush, after a screening at the White House. "The only thing was I wanted to see a clearer victory for American soldiers. I'm sure audiences felt the same way. And by gum, I love to give the American people what they want."
Black Hawk Down is based on factual events experienced by troops in Mogadishu, Somalia in 1993. A spiral of events following a botched military operation and the loss of a MH-60 Black Hawk helicopter led to the death of 18 American soldiers in battle against groups of armed Somalis. The incident was a major setback for the Clinton administration and led to weakening public approval for the operation in Somalia.
Now, however, the Bush administration is highly driven by the powerful Ridley Scott film to put a happy ending on the story.
"It'll be ten years since the first movie happened next year," said president Bush, "and I say that's a great ol' time for a return to Somalia. We can call it Black Hawk Down 2: No Surrender. Ain't that somethin'?"
Trent Lott, Majority Leader of the Senate and fellow fan of Black Hawk Down, agreed. "Bill Clinton can't write a great war movie, I'll tell you that much. A sex and intrigue film starring Michael Douglas, I'll give him that one—let him work on Basic Instinct 2. But with a Republican in office, now's the time for a big fat winning sequel to Black Hawk Down. And this time it won't be so depressing!"
Bush has reportedly been trying to round up the original soldiers from the 1993 Somalia incident, but since few of them are still in the military, he isn't optimistic about the same characters returning for victory.
"More than likely it'll be all new guys," said Bush, drawing up plans to ship spare soldiers from Pakistan and Afghanistan to Somalia as soon as possible, "but we're going to do it right this time. Big, photogenic guys that look like Sylvester Stallone or Bruce Willis or something. And of course a wizened old general that could be played perfectly by Chuck Heston. Ooh! I could even play myself maybe in the movie going to support all the troops and all that."
Though Mohamed Farrah Aidid died in 1996, the Bush administration is optimistic another villain, perhaps even more dastardly, has taken his place. According to reports from the long-troubled Somalia, the situation could not be better for increasing military presence.
Before the release of the much-anticipated sequel, Bush is hoping to finish the current project he's working on in Afghanistan, which will hopefully make it to the silver screen later the commune news doesn't want to make a federal case out of it, but we've been caught counterfeiting. Lil Duncan has an unnatural, deep-seated fear of emoticons, to which we say >;op
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 February 4, 2002 Say What You Will, But I Still Don't Like Midgetsthe commune's Virgil Banks gives you the tall and the short of it. Anyone who's known me for any length of time knows the simple truth: I don't like midgets. Woah now, hold your ripe tomatoes and ceramic bricks, I know it's not a terribly PC viewpoint, especially in these liberal, midget-friendly times. I know what you're thinking, and it's the same thing people on the street tell me every day. They tell me that it's unfair to be prejudiced against someone just because they're in a minority, and that if I really got to know some midgets, I'd realize they're not all the same. Believe me, I know and understand this argument, and can see its merits. I'm not some kind of drooling Neanderthal here. When my neighbor's dog dug under my fence and peed on my garden-hose caddy, I didn't go out and shoot every dog in the neighborhood. I just shot that one dog.
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Anyone who's known me for any length of time knows the simple truth: I don't like midgets. Woah now, hold your ripe tomatoes and ceramic bricks, I know it's not a terribly PC viewpoint, especially in these liberal, midget-friendly times. I know what you're thinking, and it's the same thing people on the street tell me every day. They tell me that it's unfair to be prejudiced against someone just because they're in a minority, and that if I really got to know some midgets, I'd realize they're not all the same. Believe me, I know and understand this argument, and can see its merits. I'm not some kind of drooling Neanderthal here. When my neighbor's dog dug under my fence and peed on my garden-hose caddy, I didn't go out and shoot every dog in the neighborhood. I just shot that one dog.
I know you can't judge a book by its cover, and that there are good and bad in every group. But I challenge you to argue that you'd take the time to read a book whose cover thoroughly creeped you out, or one that had just pissed all over the side of your house like some kind of water-witch lawn toy. I didn't think so.
It tires me when people drag out the old "prejudice" argument whenever the subject of my dislike for midgets comes up during a party or traffic encounter. The mere mention of the word practically brands you as a mini-Hitler for the rest of your life. But let's really look at what this is saying. To have prejudice is to pre-judge, that is to judge beforehand. The negative connotation of the term is that one would pass judgment on another before all relevant information has been collected. For example, just because watching one Adam Sandler movie caused you to lose faith in humanity and decimated your sperm count, it would be prejudiced of you to suggest that Sandler's next film won't be Oscar-worthy. In order to prove that you're not some kind of knuckle-dragging Archie Bunker, it becomes necessary to watch every single Adam Sandler film that comes out, even if it gives you a peptic ulcer in the process. I don't know if he originated the concept, but Sandler sure has made out like a bandit on this whole PC liberal guilt deal.
But like I was saying, whenever some midget-lover and I lock horns on this issue, I try to explain that my distaste for midgets is neither ill-informed nor unfair. Arguments concerning the fantastic virtues of midget-sized individuals and the great contributions that midgets have made over the course of history fall upon my deaf ears, as I've never suggested that midgets were not productive members of society. The simple fact of the matter is that I find their proportions creepy and unnerving. This being the very trait that makes them midgets, I hardly think my distaste constitutes any unfair previous judgment against the midgets themselves.
If anything, I think I've been more than polite to the midgets I've run across over the course of my life. Many will no doubt point to the fact that it was a midget doctor who failed to revive my mother on her death bed when I was a child. They are quick to suggest that this childhood trauma left me with an unfair bent against little people. Yet, whenever adult-sized people gather to toss midgets at bowling pins, will you find me in attendance? Most certainly not. I have never tied a midget to a kite before proceeding to drag him behind my car in some twisted midget-bashing version of parasailing. Nor have I ever cruelly used the last available booster seat at a fast food establishment merely to ensure that a deserving midget goes without. I have never once kicked a midget, nor have I ever dressed one up all in orange for the purpose of slam-dunking him through a basketball hoop.
In spite of years of backwards-talking midgets haunting my dreams and even the highly traumatic viewing of Under the Rainbow when I was a teen, when my brother Mitch choked to death on a Mike & Ike during the film's climactic midget swordfight, I have refrained from midget-bashing in all of its tempting forms. And yet, simply because I will not ferry a midget about in a specially-made tote upon my back, or allow one to marry into my family, I am seen as a monster by some. And for the most part it's not even the midgets themselves who think so, though the gross disparity in our body sizes might cause one of them to take me for a monster in a completely unrelated event.
Before you let your imagination run away with you, let it be made clear that I'm not suggesting the creation of midget death camps here. That would be completely Un-American, not to mention costly. But what would be so bad about creating a separate midget nation, more ideally suited to their smaller scale? Wouldn't the skinny portion of Idaho be perfect for such a project? It would be almost like a kind of merry theme park, where midgets could wear novel hats and curly-pointed shoes without fear of reprisal from normal-sized folks. They could lead happy and productive lives in Littleville, making toys and candy for export back to Greater America, and would no longer be at the mercy of fringe pornographers and David Lynch for employment opportunities. Normal-sized people (or "Bigguns," as they would be known) who are fond of midgets could visit on their vacations and buy midget crafts and bumper stickers, and have their pictures taken while sticking their heads into holes cut in pre-painted scenes that make them seem like the midgets for a change. It sounds pretty idyllic to me. Heck, I'd want to live there myself if the buildings and people were all normal-sized, though I guess that would kind of defeat the purpose.
For what it's worth, I'd like to add that although my distaste for midgets has raised the most controversy, I also feel the same sense of unease and nervous tension whenever I find myself around small children of similar size, and I avoid them with the same fastidiousness. However, somehow I think that this revelation will most likely earn me even more detractors, rather than serving to foster greater understanding and sympathy for my point of view. Sadly, this is the way of the world in the 21st century. º Last Column: Conundrums Along the Mohawkº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”
-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054Fortune 500 CookieNow's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.
Try again later.Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore| 1. | It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time | | 2. | You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters | | 3. | All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more | | 4. | Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel | | 5. | You never loved us | |
|   Special Investigator to Interrogate Al Qaeda Prisoners BY roland mcshyster 2/4/2002 Aloha, America! Nope, I'm not reporting to you from sunny Hawaii today but that was a pretty good guess. I'm just in a sunshine and grass skirt kind of mood today; I can't explain it. Maybe it was that Hawaiian Tropics commercial I saw the other day. Or maybe it was the Eskimo Pie I ate this morning. Actually the more I think about it, that Eskimo Pie bit doesn't make a bit of sense. Some would argue that you can't get any further away from Hawaii's welcoming shores than to be huddled in a miserable freezing igloo, gnawing on whale fat. And they're probably right, but nevertheless I link the two mentally. Maybe it's those cute little pudgy babies. Come to think of it, Eskimos and Hawaiian Islanders sure do look a lot alike. Maybe a little too much. I'm beginning to think they're running a...
Aloha, America! Nope, I'm not reporting to you from sunny Hawaii today but that was a pretty good guess. I'm just in a sunshine and grass skirt kind of mood today; I can't explain it. Maybe it was that Hawaiian Tropics commercial I saw the other day. Or maybe it was the Eskimo Pie I ate this morning. Actually the more I think about it, that Eskimo Pie bit doesn't make a bit of sense. Some would argue that you can't get any further away from Hawaii's welcoming shores than to be huddled in a miserable freezing igloo, gnawing on whale fat. And they're probably right, but nevertheless I link the two mentally. Maybe it's those cute little pudgy babies. Come to think of it, Eskimos and Hawaiian Islanders sure do look a lot alike. Maybe a little too much. I'm beginning to think they're running a scam on us, a complex ploy to secure more than their fair share of dancing puppets on the "It's a Smallish World" ride at Disneyland. Interesting. You tend to the entertainment reviews below while I ponder this further over another Eskimo Pie.
In Theaters Now:
A Beautiful Mime
If there's one thing this movie taught me, it's that mimes are a lot more tolerable when they're jaw-droppingly gorgeous and have the body of a porn star. I'd like to thank Jennifer Connely for expanding my cultural awareness and my BVDs for a solid two hours in this powerful film. There's a lot of awards buzz surrounding Connely's performance here, and I have to agree: she's hot as hell! You can bet I'll be keeping an eye out for her Golden Globes in the future.
Big Fat Liar
What's funnier than Jim Carrey running around like he's retarded and not being able to tell a lie? You guessed it, a 300 pound Jim Carrey running around like he's retarded and not being able to tell a lie. They promised the sequel would be bigger than the original, but none of us dared to think they were talking about Carrey's drooping leg fat. And yeah, it's pretty funny, but I have to admit it's the ultimate insult when Hollywood would rather dress up attractive people in fat suits than hire one of the many genuinely fat people available for the role.
Collateral Damage
Arnie's latest meat-headed action flick casts him wholly unbelievably as a nerdy office drone who's expertise in collating office files and Xeroxes somehow prepares him to be an awe-inspiring ass-kicker who cold-boots faceless terrorist booty, in triplicate. Wait until this one comes out on video, then put it back on the shelf and see if they have any decent soft-core in stock.
I Am Sam
The Dr Seuss classic takes a turn for the creepy in this dark psychological thriller starring Chris Kattan as the food-obsessed stalker who just won't let Michael Douglas' businessman be. Some might consider this re-imagining disrespectful to the original book, but I'm convinced that Dr Seuss himself would have done the train shoot-out scene just the same way if he'd had access to this kind of technology back in his day.
Rollerball
I know what you're thinking. Cross the white-hot fad of rollerskating with the popular teenage dance movie, throw in Skeet Ulrich, and you've got a sure hit on your hands, right? Think again. Take a closer look at what you've got on your hands, and note it's nutty texture and off-brown hue. Pretty nasty, eh?
Now on Video:
Captain Correlli's Man-dolphin
I can't honestly say I knew what the hell was up with this movie, or how they got Nicholas Cage involved, but to suffice it to say it was original. It was sort of like a cross between Buck Rogers, Powder, The Abyss and an Arco commercial, if that makes any sense. It wasn't bad, but it was one of those movies that makes you wonder if you left the gas on.
The Curse of the Sade Scorpion
Another strange one to keep you scratching your head until you're in need a band-aid. Imagine if they remade "Anaconda" in the desert, with Ben Kingsley instead of Ice Cube, and instead of a big snake eating people it's a scorpion that sings "Smooth Operator" almost constantly. And believe it or not, this was actually the scarier movie of the two. Come to think of it, maybe that's not so hard to believe.
Ghost World
The second feature from Nintendo Pictures follows the reasoning that if the original is good, throw in a egg-pooping dinosaur and it'll be even better. I'm not sure what to think of the result, however. Whoopi Goldberg has some great lines as the wise-cracking dinosaur, but I just couldn't get over how dumb Patrick Swayzee looks in that little plumber hat.
Kiss of the Drag Queen
Jet Li is back and this time he must face his toughest adversary yet: his own ambiguous sexuality! How will Li react when he finds out that the girl he just chop-sueyed a platoon of ninjas to save turns out to be a flamboyant drag queen from Frisco? S/he is Li's perfect match, but will he risk the scorn of his ultra-traditional culture and his macho ass-kicking buddies to know her love? No chance, but he did kick a guy's ass with a tuna fish in a scene that I thought was pretty cool.
Television:
The networks are rushing out new episodes of their biggest shows for what they call "sweeps" and that means it's the best time to be a television fan! Here's some highlights of the coming week:
Frasier (NBC)
The episode we've all been waiting for as the champ puts to rest old grievances with his longtime arch-nemesis Muhammad Ali. A tear-jerking episode, or something gets jerked anyhow.
Si, Esse (CBS)
I've been hearing everyone raving about this show about forensic science cops, but didn't think it sounded appealing. Still, pretty ballsy move to have an all-Spanish cast. I managed to follow it pretty good and this week's episode ought to be the best as that guy who seems to be in charge has an affair with the young girl with the sombrero, who I think might be his protogé or something. Hot Spanish chicks and possible nudity? Roland is there, compadré!
Everybody Loves Reagan (CBS)
Last I heard this guy was drooling all over his presidential bib in some nursing home, so I don't know how he gets a hit sitcom. Then again, I still don't know how he beat Mondale in a landslide. It's their biggest episode yet this week as the current president (you know, the one with the dirty name) stops by to talk about his space station that blows up nuclear missiles. You won't want to miss it. I will, though.
Video Games:
State of Emergency (PS2)
This flag-waving tribute to New York is long on sentiment and short on fun. Sure, I agree firefighters and cops and paramedics and all of them are the real heroes, yeah, I'd gladly look the other way if they wanted to murder somebody or rob a bank, but any game with more candle-lit worshipping-at-the-feet and less fighting and explosions just isn't my idea of fun. Not that they aren't walking gods among us, of course.
Rackless (Sexbox)
The boys at Microsoft are going all out to beat the competition. This game is truly a new frontier, as you're a cosmetic surgeon trying to pump up the chest of a young hottie who just can't attract the boys 'cause of her natural flatlands. Keep adding on inches to turn her from Kate Moss to Jennifer Connelly and watch out you don't snap her spine in half. Success is its own reward!
Ninja Gayed In (PS2)
Wash-out of a game based on that Saturday Night Live gay ninja character that was only funny the first sketch. You play the ninja in sequined black commando gear and can stun enemies with glitter-laden throwing stars or your special move which I'll save you the nausea of describing.
There are foul things afoot, Entertainment Policers. After a little cursory research on the "internet", I've discovered that the Eskimos and the Hawaiian Islanders do in fact share a common ancestor! From everything I can tell, his name is Saul Worthington and he lives in the Bronx. Looks like I'll be giving our Mr. Worthington a little phone call this afternoon to get to the bottom of this. Wish me luck, America!   |
