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January 21, 2002   
Eat shit and prosper
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

New Osama bin Laden Video Shooting Up Charts

"Don'tcha Fuck wit Ma Allah" in heavy rotation
January 21, 2002
Daisycutter, CT
Anna Basil/AP
Osama b. illin'
T
he latest video from self-styled "gangsta wrapped in a bedsheet" Osama bin Laden appears to be the most successful offering yet from his recent album. Produced and directed by Mullah Omar tha Hit Maker, from 2001's "Ol' Dirty bin Laden in da Hizzouse," the video, "Don'tcha Fuck wit Ma Allah," is the third single to chart. It is now in heavy rotation on VH1, has been shown many times on that network's popular Pop Up Video program, and is number one with a bullet on Al Jazeera's afternoon show, Fundamentalist Dance Party. It is also rumored that a twenty-second clip of the video was aired on MTV at approximately 4 AM Tuesday of last week, but those rumors could not be confirmed at the time we went to press.

Following on the heels of the first two singles from "...in da Hizzouse,...Read more...

Ashcroft Leads Hands-On Instruction Team

Attorney General seeks to nip terrorism in the bud
January 21, 2002
Hindquarter, VA
Alexa Doogle
At-risk youths await anti-terrorist training
A
ll it took was one crying 10-year-old boy spotted bolting out of a prominent federal office, wearing what appeared to be darkly-stained lederhosen, to signal a surprising new twist in the ongoing war against terrorism.

Citing a need to "keep American boys on their toes and pure from the effects of Islamic terrorists," Attorney General John Ashcroft, in an impromptu press conference yesterday, unveiled a plan to teach young men from the ages of 8 to 15 how to recognize the signs that they are being, or are about to be, recruited, seduced and/or molested by Muslim fanatics. In an unprecedented gesture of self-sacrifice, and sweating profusely as he spoke, the Attorney General said that he has taken it upon himself to personally teach "as many boys as I possibly can."
Read more...




January 21, 2002
Click for Biography

Volume 12

Dear commune:

I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the
commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying
much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other than praise in mind.

I have recently been treed by a large Kodiak bear. In fact, it was less than thirty minutes
ago. I'm afraid I am stumped for what to do. The branches are weakening and the bear has attempted repeatedly to either jump up and grab me or push the tree over with his brute strength and I'm afraid he'll yet succeed.

Please do not ask how I am able to communicate via the mail from my current whereabouts and situation. Also, please do not suggest I throw food to him to distract him. ...Read more...

º Last Column: Volume 11
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Milestones
1492: Christopher Columbus discovered America. Actually, it was Oct. 12, and it was really the Bahamas, so he discovered the Caribbean, and there were already lots of indigenous people there. All we know is the bank is closed today, so fuck the guy.
Now Hiring
Buffalo Bill. We don't really have a lot of buffalo roaming around that need slaughtering or anything, but the copydesk tends to order large amounts of delivery buffalo wings and somebody has got to figure out who pays what when the guy shows up. Respond promptly, we hear a car out front.
Top Justifications for Iraq War
1.France don't tell us we can't do something
2.Saddam said California was totally gay, for real
3.Thought country offered frequent invader incentives
4.Kuwait had "bad feeling" about some guys along the border
5.CIA had strong evidence of uncounted Florida ballots in Tikrit
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Barnsley Wins First Annual Smoka Bowl

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
1/7/2002
Hello hello, America and welcome to a very special Entertainment Police with which to ring in the New Year! The time has come for the first ever "Ask Roland Special Edition," and if that doesn't put exciting lumps in your oatmeal, I don't know what will. As I'm sure you all know, your old friend Roland gets all kinds of letters, faxes and emails here at the commune and under the windshield wipers of my car and I do my best to answer them in the semi-regular feature that you've come to know and love as… "Ask Roland!" But sometimes due to space considerations, I just can't get to every last letter and they start to pile up around here. When that happens, I sort them into different piles based on the kind of question being asked and whether or not any naked pictures came in the env...Read more...