You need a newer browser.

January 7, 2002   
One of Time Magazine's 50 Best Websites Under $1
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

India, Pakistan, Israel, Palestine to Settle Disputes in Ring

Unprecedented 4-country tag team match will solve all grievances
January 7, 2002
New York City, NY
Junior Bacon
Israel's tough man The Yiddish Nightmare and his manager, The Colonel
R
ecent events of 2001 as well as deteriorating treaties have embroiled the entire world in the disagreements of the countries of India and Pakistan as well as Israel and Palestine. Now, thanks to the negotiations of the United Nations and special arbitrator Vince McMahon, the four countries are going to settle their differences once and for all—on the mat.

Representatives of each country are going to battle head-to-head in a no-holds-barred open match Jan. 19th, dubbed my McMahon as the "WWF International Slam: World Wrestle III."

According to McMahon, details of the match are still being worked out, though the four sides have tentatively agree to a pairing, Israel and India against Pakistan and Palestine. Under the current rules as proposed, the outcome of the...Read more...

Man Resting Comfortably After Candy Heart Transplant

Recipient of world's first sugar-based replacement heart fairs well
January 7, 2002
Indianapolis, IN
Junior Bacon
Sugar-based heart keeps Tarwell alive, sweet
O
n Saturday Ollie Tarwell of Decatur, Illinois entered the medical history books as the world’s first candy heart transplant. Tarwell’s doctors say his recovery is going surprisingly well in these initial post-op stages.

Tarwell, a 62-year-old ladder climber, had been waiting two years for a donor heart due to a weakening of his own heart after the cancellation of Baywatch. Doctors were growing increasingly alarmed Tarwell would never make the top of the donor list, as it’s all in who you know.

“Finally, we got desperate and drank a few bottles of Kentucky Bourbon between all of us,” stated Tarwell’s surgeon Michael Matuzo, “and I think at that point someone bet me I wouldn’t put a candy heart in him. By the time I woke up out of the haze...Read more...




January 7, 2002
Click for Biography

Rosey Red-Ass

Once upon a time,
in the kingdom of Winter,
a magical donkey
got a magical splinter.
A magical kangaroo rat
pulled it from his magical toe,
all in a magical way
now, don'tcha know.
The magical donkey
heaved a magical sigh,
until a magical crow hopped up
and pecked out his eye.
And though he was sad
the donkey couldn't cry,
because his magical tear duct
was stuck to his magical eye.

Oh, wait. That's a terrible story. Sorry. Let's try another:

The true story of Christmas is one few people know,
They think it's about reindeer and stockings and snow.
But this is all hoohash, it just isn't so,
Use it as fertilizer and it'll make things grow.
The rea...Read more...

º Last Column: The Boy Who Could Not Smell
º more columns







Quote of the Day
“Fascism is not the devices and mechanisms that force us to our knees, but those who operate in the shadows and convince us "on our knees" is the place we're born. And the first seed of fascism is rent.”

-Crosby in 3F, every first of the month
Fortune 500 Cookie
Today is not your day, buddy—by a horrible bit of luck, your day was exactly six weeks before you were conceived. The good news is you look a lot like William Daniels; the bad news is that doesn't pay much these days. Watch out Thursday, when you're nearly buried in a deluge of Fangoria magazines that have been building up in your closet. Lucky numbers? You want luck? Eat me, sadsack.


Try again later.
Top 5 Insulting Epithets for Straight White Middle-Class Males
1.Own-Everythingers
2.Blues-Stealing Crackers
3.Network Programmers
4.The Men Who Ruin Dancing
5.Hey, Fatties—You're Fat, Fatties
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Euro Already Losing Ground to Scooby Bucks

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
12/24/2001
Ho ho ho, America! Season's greetings and welcome to a special Christmas edition of "Entertainment Police". What makes it special, you ask? I'm not sure, but it's Christmas Eve so why the hell don't you step off my balls, alright? Damn. If I'd known you were going to be like this I wouldn't have worn my new shirt. Why don't we just skip straight ahead to the "Ask Roland" before somebody blows a snot rocket in my eggnog, alright?

Q. Hey Roland, man, what have you been smoking? They must have some powerful drugs up there in commune land, because you forgot to review the greatest movie of all time: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone! You been living under a rock or something, man? This thing's bigger than Mama Cass retaining water! They should send some Magicals and Mug...Read more...