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India, Pakistan, Israel, Palestine to Settle Disputes in RingUnprecedented 4-country tag team match will solve all grievances January 7, 2002 |
New York City, NY Junior Bacon Israel's tough man The Yiddish Nightmare and his manager, The Colonel
Representatives of each country are going to battle head-to-head in a no-holds-barred open match Jan. 19th, dubbed my McMahon as the "WWF International Slam: World Wrestle III."
According to McMahon, details of the match are still being worked out, though the four sides have tentatively agree to a pairing, Israel and India against Pakistan and Palestine. Under the current rules as proposed, the outcome of the...
ecent events of 2001 as well as deteriorating treaties have embroiled the entire world in the disagreements of the countries of India and Pakistan as well as Israel and Palestine. Now, thanks to the negotiations of the United Nations and special arbitrator Vince McMahon, the four countries are going to settle their differences once and for all—on the mat.
Representatives of each country are going to battle head-to-head in a no-holds-barred open match Jan. 19th, dubbed my McMahon as the "WWF International Slam: World Wrestle III."
According to McMahon, details of the match are still being worked out, though the four sides have tentatively agree to a pairing, Israel and India against Pakistan and Palestine. Under the current rules as proposed, the outcome of the match could determine Palestine's acceptance of the state of Israel and their occupation of the West Bank, and foreign objects will not be banned.
Wrestlers so far chosen for the match have included India's Sacred Cow, Pakistan's The Koran Krusher, Palestine's Little Jambi Twister, and from Israel, The Yiddish Nightmare.
"These are some great wrestlers, and some great countries," said McMahon, talking from the lobby of the arena where the proposed superslam would take place. "It's about time they stopped talking and started pinning. Enough of this chosen one hoo-ha. Maybe if Allah or God or whoever wants you to win so bad, he'll make the other man tap out."
Some controversy has arisen over how well the countries will adhere to the agreed outcome, with the promise of no re-matches (unless the Pay-Per-View take triples expectations). Also, there is some debate over The Koran Krusher's friendship with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, a reported drinking buddy. If things go down hard enough on the mat, will Stone Cold step in?
"I got no interest in politics or religion," said Stone Cold, returning a phone call to the commune. "I attend the church of pain. That's all I care about. But if some lousy trash-talker like the Sacred Cow takes a folding chair to my buddy while he's helping out Little Jambi… well, that's just low-down and I can't abide that."
Democratic Senator Tom Daschle has remarked on his own suspicions that the whole thing is just another Vince McMahon exploitative extravaganza with an eye on making money rather than world peace.
"This whole thing stinks of a way to get Stone Cold into the ring with the Rock. It's just like McMahon to use the pain and suffering of hundreds of years of relations between these nations to stage some showdown. Did you see the last bout with The Yiddish Nightmare? The Rock was pacing back and forth in the stands, just waiting to pop in and throttle Danny Jalalabad. Sounds like some McMahon foreshadowing to me." the commune news doesn't need to bench 150 lbs. to be a man—besides, we've been pretty sick lately. Lil Duncan is a proud sponsor of the 2002 Jamaican bobsledding team.
 | Man Resting Comfortably After Candy Heart TransplantRecipient of world's first sugar-based replacement heart fairs well January 7, 2002 |
Indianapolis, IN Junior Bacon Sugar-based heart keeps Tarwell alive, sweet
Tarwell, a 62-year-old ladder climber, had been waiting two years for a donor heart due to a weakening of his own heart after the cancellation of Baywatch. Doctors were growing increasingly alarmed Tarwell would never make the top of the donor list, as it’s all in who you know.
“Finally, we got desperate and drank a few bottles of Kentucky Bourbon between all of us,” stated Tarwell’s surgeon Michael Matuzo, “and I think at that point someone bet me I wouldn’t put a candy heart in him. By the time I woke up out of the haze...
n Saturday Ollie Tarwell of Decatur, Illinois entered the medical history books as the world’s first candy heart transplant. Tarwell’s doctors say his recovery is going surprisingly well in these initial post-op stages. Tarwell, a 62-year-old ladder climber, had been waiting two years for a donor heart due to a weakening of his own heart after the cancellation of Baywatch. Doctors were growing increasingly alarmed Tarwell would never make the top of the donor list, as it’s all in who you know. “Finally, we got desperate and drank a few bottles of Kentucky Bourbon between all of us,” stated Tarwell’s surgeon Michael Matuzo, “and I think at that point someone bet me I wouldn’t put a candy heart in him. By the time I woke up out of the haze I was already closing and he was showing good signs.” The candy heart, which is the size of a human fist and purchased at a novelty store in Indianapolis next to the hospital, reads, “Love Machine” on the front. Doctors are surprised at how well it pumps blood throughout the body and shows no signs of failure. And because it’s candy, the body refuses to reject it. “The transplant team couldn’t agree in entirety on what to use,” said Matuzo, fielding questions about the surgery. “A few of us liked the message ‘Sweet Thing,’ but the rest of us thought it sounded gay. I’d hate to be in a traffic accident, lying all cut up next to my heart and have it saying ‘Sweet Thing’ when the paramedics show up. How weird is that?” Tarwell is already out of bed and reportedly cleaning his floor of the hospital, but doctors say after the initial sugar high wears off he will likely resume normal activity with only a headache as a side-effect. In order to keep his candy heart functioning properly, he is under strict orders to exercise, diet, and eat a pound of sugar or artificial sweetner a day. The nation’s transplant doctors are reacting with fervor in the wake of the surprising medical miracle. Seven new candy heart transplants are being planned this week, and doctors are already looking into the feasibility of candy livers, kidneys, and pancreas. “Frankly,” said surgeon Donald Bakley, “pancreatic transplant isn’t likely to be too successful. Once you can make a candy organ that is capable of producing normal amounts of insulin, you’ve also just loaded the body with the biggest piece of sugar available. Talk about a catch-22.” Tarwell is expected to make a full recovery and resume his former ladder-scaling business. Candy organ transplant groups have also begun fervently razzing scientists working on cloning human organs, jeering at them to “Catch up.” If you run a candy store and would like to donate organs upon your death, please fill out the back of your driver’s license and specify “candy” under the heading “type.” the commune news… don’t that beat all! Red Bagel is the commune’s fearless editor and wearer of fine Colombian hats.
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 January 7, 2002 Rosey Red-AssOnce upon a time,
in the kingdom of Winter,
a magical donkey
got a magical splinter.
A magical kangaroo rat
pulled it from his magical toe,
all in a magical way
now, don'tcha know.
The magical donkey
heaved a magical sigh,
until a magical crow hopped up
and pecked out his eye.
And though he was sad
the donkey couldn't cry,
because his magical tear duct
was stuck to his magical eye.
Oh, wait. That's a terrible story. Sorry. Let's try another:
The true story of Christmas is one few people know,
They think it's about reindeer and stockings and snow.
But this is all hoohash, it just isn't so,
Use it as fertilizer and it'll make things grow.
The rea...
º Last Column: The Boy Who Could Not Smell
º more columns
Once upon a time,
in the kingdom of Winter,
a magical donkey
got a magical splinter.
A magical kangaroo rat
pulled it from his magical toe,
all in a magical way
now, don'tcha know.
The magical donkey
heaved a magical sigh,
until a magical crow hopped up
and pecked out his eye.
And though he was sad
the donkey couldn't cry,
because his magical tear duct
was stuck to his magical eye.
Oh, wait. That's a terrible story. Sorry. Let's try another:
The true story of Christmas is one few people know,
They think it's about reindeer and stockings and snow.
But this is all hoohash, it just isn't so,
Use it as fertilizer and it'll make things grow.
The real story starts way deep in a cave,
Where quiet as a tomb and dark as a grave
The tooth fairy leaves teeth in a very big pile,
And deep in that pile a goat sleeps for a while.
He rests the year round except for one night
When he climbs to a mountain top in the moonlight,
Where he sits for a moment and begins to think,
Then whispers to tell the stars how fast to blink.
It's a good job, but up there the wind never stops.
It will chap you good, both your bottoms and tops.
And because of this… I don't mean to sound crass,
But that's how he got his name: Mr. Rosey Red-Ass.
And one fateful year, Rosey awoke rather early,
Which is best to avoid as he's known to be surly
And ornery and grouchy and his eyes have a glaze
When he's slept any less than 364 days.
But this year he woke up and didn't know what to do
When he'd slept in just barely one hundred and two.
He crept from the cave into the unfamiliar daylight,
Which was offensively orange and unreasonably bright,
To find a world all wrapped up in chaos and strife
Which he'd napped, snored and slept through for all of his life.
The people were all arguing and fighting and bickering.
The trees were all hickoring and the mice were all dickoring.
The yodelers were arguing from mountain top to mountain top,
So Rosey decided that he must make them stop.
He set off on a journey to find the solution
For anger and strife and cosmic pollution.
And along the way, of course, he made friends. In a shed
He met Sparkey the Reanimated Gopher Head.
And Tommy the Pickle, he met in a park.
And Genius Gene, who was lost in the dark.
The group carried on in a merry caravan,
United as one under Rosey's fine plan.
Except for young Tommy, who thought it a dream,
And Gene, who thought they were going for ice cream.
Down in the valley at the edge of the trees,
Past the meadow of ants and the lake full of bees
The group found a strange and unusual bog.
A one-of-a-kind, a bog made of nog.
Rosey got an idea, and his pulse began to quicken
As he conviced Gene that he was actually a chicken.
And Gene had no reason to believe he was not,
So he laid a half-dozen eggs right there on the spot.
Rosey Red-Ass tossed the eggs in the bog
Along with a log and two-thirds of a frog.
And before they knew it, that bog of nog
Was now officially a bog of eggnog.
Word of this spread quickly and soon everyone
Came to drink the eggnog and have buckets of fun,
Which made them all merry and put them in a good mood,
Even Simon the Rude, who was then not so rude.
And people brought cheese logs and other odd food,
And then came the presents and someone got nude
On the copying machine, and not thinking it crass
They then passed out copies of their rosy red ass.
So this, silly children, is how Christmas came to be.
If you don't believe it, ask anyone. Ask me. º Last Column: The Boy Who Could Not Smellº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”
-Dred Scott DrummondFortune 500 CookieYou're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.
Try again later.Top Upcoming Bourne Sequels| 1. | The Bourne Pregnancy | | 2. | The Bourne Insolvency | | 3. | The Bourne Cat Fancy | | 4. | The Bourne Schenectady | | 5. | The Bourne Macaroni and Cheez | |
|   Euro Already Losing Ground to Scooby Bucks BY roland mcshyster 12/24/2001 Ho ho ho, America! Season's greetings and welcome to a special Christmas edition of "Entertainment Police". What makes it special, you ask? I'm not sure, but it's Christmas Eve so why the hell don't you step off my balls, alright? Damn. If I'd known you were going to be like this I wouldn't have worn my new shirt. Why don't we just skip straight ahead to the "Ask Roland" before somebody blows a snot rocket in my eggnog, alright?
Q. Hey Roland, man, what have you been smoking? They must have some powerful drugs up there in commune land, because you forgot to review the greatest movie of all time: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone! You been living under a rock or something, man? This thing's bigger than Mama Cass retaining water! They should send some Magicals and Mug...
Ho ho ho, America! Season's greetings and welcome to a special Christmas edition of "Entertainment Police". What makes it special, you ask? I'm not sure, but it's Christmas Eve so why the hell don't you step off my balls, alright? Damn. If I'd known you were going to be like this I wouldn't have worn my new shirt. Why don't we just skip straight ahead to the "Ask Roland" before somebody blows a snot rocket in my eggnog, alright?
Q. Hey Roland, man, what have you been smoking? They must have some powerful drugs up there in commune land, because you forgot to review the greatest movie of all time: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone! You been living under a rock or something, man? This thing's bigger than Mama Cass retaining water! They should send some Magicals and Muggles and some shit over to your place to give you a wake-up call. Fuck you, dude!
Marty Ramart, Luger, Oregon
A. Nice try, Marty. This reminds me of that "You should review E.T." joke that was going around several years back. Right, like they'd name a big-shot movie "E.T." What's that supposed to stand for? Evil Turkeys? Sounds like a bomb to me. If that was going to be a hit it would have to stand for "Enormous Tits" and it's not like we're in Europe here. Here in America we like our sex classy, like in "Bram Stoker's Dracula" or "Showgirls". I give you points for creativity in making up a title though, what's your movie supposed to be about? A wizard trying to pass his gallstones? Bombs away, Marty!
Q. Hey Roland. I just got done watching the second season of The Sopranos on DVD and I have to admit that I was surprised by the death of Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bompensiero. But even more than that, I'm curious as to how you get to be a big mob guy with a nickname like "Big Pussy". The last time I checked, that wasn't a compliment. I called an Italian guy "Big Pussy" at a bar one time and he hit me with a table. Is this just bad writing or is this some La Cosa Nostra secret that I don't know about?
Mersh Lauben, Ripe Grove, Wisconsin
A. Good question, Mersh. While many of us have watched this show faithfully, riveted by the exploits of these big fat singing Italians, few know the behind-the-scenes stories of how the characters came to be. Everyone knows that the lead character of Tony Soprano is based on rough-and-tumble opera bad-boy Lucky Pavoratti, who once beat up a small child for a candy bar during a layover at a train station in Europe. But what few know is that the character of "Big Pussy" Bompensiero is based on real-life opera fatass Flaccid "Big Pussy" Domino, who opens his mouth so wide when he sings that a cat once jumped down his throat after the tuna sandwich he'd eaten for lunch. Hence the nickname, and the occasional weak meows while he's singing. Personally, I can't wait for them to base a Soprano character on the third member of their trio, the certifiably hot Tia Carerra, who sings pretty good for a skinny chick.
Now that that's out of the way, let's talk movies!
In Theaters Now:
ALI
Listen, I looked the other way when the religious right got fed up with the current state of insipid, bumbling, amoral Hollywood movies and started making their own insipid, bumbling, moral films. Apparently "Super Jesus Christ Brothers" and "The Last Temptation Island of Christ" weren't enough for them, but that's fine, let them throw their money into making films that only the heavily stoned or alarmingly elderly will pay to see. But now that lawyers nationwide have decided that they should cut out the middleman and make courtroom dramas themselves, I have to ask: Where do you draw the line? Who's going to want their own movies next? Women? Black people? Fatties? Anyway, that's all beside the point, since whoever thought the American Law Institute was a good subject for a movie needs to be held in contempt of entertainment.
Jimmy Nimrod, Boy Genius
Okay, now I'll be the first one to admit that this, and any other, comedy about a retarded kid who thinks he's an inventor and super-spy is in bad taste. But you can punch my one-way Amtrak ticket to hell because this is the funniest movie of the year. You'll laugh until you need head restraints and a drool cup yourself when Jimmy unveils inventions like the dumpling gun and the magic "poop-to-pudding beam", or when Jimmy's secret spy pictures of the Russian operatives turn out to be just out-of-focus shots of his privates. I only hope the massive karmic debt wracked up by this film falls on the filmmakers themselves for making it, and not us for laughing because I plan on seeing it twice more this weekend.
The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring
I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb when I say this has got to be the most heavily anticipated gay boxing movie, ever. Finally a filmmaker has the cajones to address the obvious sexual tension that ensues when two men in their shorts pound each other's asses for an hour in front of thousands of spectators. Most boxing films to date (except the notable lesbian opus "Raging Bull") have drawn the line at hugging in the ring, but this brave film shatters that barrier with passionate open-mouth kissing during the fight's dramatic climax. Certainly more satisfying than the usual "beat 'em up" ending. Sensitive direction, fabulous costumes and Hector "Macho" Camacho's first inside-the-ring kiss make this a gay boxing film for the ages.
Now on Video:
Mule in Rouge
Scoot over Francis, there's a new mule in the spotlight! Loveable Moonie Margot Kidder stars in this hilarious farce produced by hubby, Mr. "Mission: Important" himself, Tom Cruise. Margot's brother Vlasik from Croatia needs a green card to stay in the country, so with the help of a farmer with a heart of gold, they dress up a mule like a woman to fool the immigration officials and pose as Vlasik's wife. The only thing is, Vlasik doesn't realize she's a mule! You can just imagine the comedy that comes shooting out that hole.
The Center of the World
Once again, those megalomaniacs in Omaha, Nebraska have tipped their hand and wildly overstated their case for tourism for yet another year. To hear these people talk you'd think that Omaha was the fashion, culture and banking capital of the free world. Every year they put out a new movie trying to rope suckers into visiting the Cornhusker state. This one is about on par with last year's "Omaha Spring Break" and "Nebraska: The Wet T-Shirt State" from the year before, but none can compare with their audacious 1992 entry: "Omaha: Everyone Gets a Blowjob".
Scary Movie 2
Generic-brand movies are all the rage this year, and why not? Their plain-text posters are easy to read, the admissions are cheap, and who's to say that once you get inside, they're not the same as the more expensive brand-name pictures? Who wants to pay for all of that expensive packaging and advertising anyway?
Television:
The Amazing Racist (CBS)
The network that brought you hilarious bigot Archie Bunker is hoping lightning strikes twice with this hour-long drama about a loveable Louisiana state legislator who always says the wrong thing, to the horror of his politcally correct spin doctors.
The Tick (Fox)
The terrifying Edgar Allen Poe story about a clock that won't let its owner forget the murder he committed doesn't exactly make for hit sitcom material. The star power of Tom Wopat is wasted and the show is neither funny nor scary. What a huge disappointment from the network that shook things up with groundbreaking shows like Married to Children and The Tex-Mex Files.
The Garbageman (CBS)
CBS turns to the tried and true formula for success again with this show about an amateur sleuth. In this case, a smart trash-talking garbage man (James Earl Jones) finds a dead body in a dumpster every week which leads him on a brand new mystery to find out whodunnit. Predictable? Maybe. Successful? Sure 'nuff! I'm predicting the biggest hit for CBS since Murder She Dead.
Video Games:
Forever Kingdom (PS2)
This game is, of course, based on that syndicated show about a guy who's a cop by day and a king of a small mediterranean country by night. Not bad, some fun moments, but the fact the show was canceled years ago doesn't get me very excited to play it. Just shows how long it takes to program stuff for that Playstation 2.
Blood Wake (XB)
Nauseating game where you're a teen-ager trying to find out why there's so much blood in your nocturnal emissions. I've never been into that zombie-fighting role player game crap in the first place, but this one hit a little too close to home for me. Trust me, dude, just cut down to three or four times a week and everything ought to be fine.
NBA Inside Driver 2002 (XB)
For all of you people who say there's never been a successful game playing as Shaquille O'Neil's chauffeur… you keep on saying it. This dillhole game is as boring as driving games get. Where to next, Mr. O'Neil? Nike endorsement deal? Kazaam sequel negotiations? Recording studio for another rap album? Yessir, your 10-foot-tall holiness. What a biter.
Okay, America. May you sleep tight tonight with visions of sugarbeets dancing in your head, and I hope Santa brings you everything you've ever dreamed of. Unless you've been dreaming of writing entertainment reviews for the commune. If that's the case, then fuck right off. And Merry Christmas.   |
