oung musician and published author Jewel surprised few Friday when she revealed she's battled with pretension all her life.

"It's not something you want to admit, even to yourself," Jewel said in her calm, waterfall-like voice at a press conference Friday. "Your soul is kind, gentle, and without acclaim, and then tiny threads of a black spider wrap you up in pretension. It is a disease of the fiercest… uh… pony."Friends and confidants knew for years, yet kept her secret because they thought Jewel could handle it.

"The next thing I knew," said Bill Barber, a session player and friend, "she was on VH-1 against a white background reading snippets of poetry like she's a supermodel Maya Angelou. That's when I knew she had no control of the problem."

Even then, all were reluctant to speak up for fear of damaging her career or their own. An attempt at an intervention in March of 2000 disintegrated into a hootenanny and Native American bonfire ritual, and several members walked out nearly as pretentious as the one they came to help.

"Pretension is sometimes hereditary, but more often results from years of unearned attention festering, cultivating itself into the bacteria egous extremis," stated Dr. Simone Callow, Professor of Pretentious Studies at Columbia University. "Often through no fault of their own a victim can start out a perfectly healthy human being, and then before you know it they're taking themselves so seriously they're publishing their own autobiography, or accepting awards for ridiculously minimal accomplishments."

Pretension, though often confined to those with higher-income households without geographic boundary, is unfairly distributed throughout Hollywood and the New York art scene.

"There's no telling how many have it in Hollywood," Dr. Callow said. "When you pay people millions of dollars for doing virtually nothing, it makes for a breeding ground for pretension."

Jewel herself, recently releasing the new album This Way, has halted tour plans to check into the Martha Stewart Clinic For Pretension in Connecticut in hopes of treating her condition.

"A dark spot has begun to wander across my heart," she said with stilted, distant voice. "Until I corner this blemish, collect it in my cupped hands and whistle it away to the wind, I cannot share my gift with the world."

pokespeople for the American media-consuming culture spoke Friday, sending out the word that we hear what you're saying about this Harry Potter phenomenon and the American media can lay off for a little while already.

Besieged by reports about the success of the hugely popular Harry Potter books by British author J.K. Rowling, the American public has recently been assaulted with constant unwanted information about the film Harry Potter and the Soceror's Stone, released Nov. 16, 2001 to monstrous audiences, making it one of the most successful movies of 2001.

"What are we, five?" said spokesperson for the American public Ralph Mackie.

"Yeah, okay, just shut up about the shit already, okay?" pleaded spokesperson Nancy Shumaker. "I know all about the movie and I don't give a rat's ass. I don't have any kids or nothing, what do you want me to do? Am I really supposed to care?"

Spokesperson John Umala empathized. "I just was starting to enjoy not hearing about friggin' Survivor every five seconds, then I'm blasted at every angle by terrorism. Can't I get a minute of peace without being slammed with over-hype on anything?"

When questioned about any possible chance of shutting the fuck up about it, executives at Warner Bros. declined to comment. No guarantees to stop talking about it for at least a minute were made.

The corporate-generated media hype is possibly the largest since 1999, when nearly every facet of the American media refused to give Star Wars: The Phantom Menace a rest, will you?

Dear commune:

I couldn't be more disappointed with the commune. Well, I suppose I could, if you were to say something bad about that charming young man from that show Jag. But right now I'm very upset as it is. My dog will no longer "go" on the commune. For the past few months Mumps was quite a good little dog, but ever since you started running those awful stories about terrorism he just can't make his business on the commune. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Ezra Gallworth
Tupelo, Mississippi


Dear Ezra:

We're fascinated with the idea of your dog taking a dump on a monitor with a digitized picture of Sampson L. Hartwig on it. But we're unable to help at all, we don't make the news, at least not much of it, we only report it. Terrorism has never been conducive to gastro-intestinal health, as studies at Johns Hopkins and Omar Bricks' Fourth of July parties has often revealed.

Perhaps you should let your dog out to make on the lawn once in a while, you grizzled old fossil. Or stop feeding him that dust-covered bowl of breath mints that's been on your coffee table since Eisenhower's inaugural address. Thanks for writing and may your life alert beeper continue to function properly for many hours to come.

the commune

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Dear commune:

I am extremely upset with the commune and your "This Space For Rent" column. Each week a parade of idiots are allowed to express their bizarre and insipid opinions, and for what? No, seriously, what? How much does it cost? It's downright offensive.

Maybe I could understand better if I didn't know about the case of my cousin, Nestor. Again and again Nestor has petitioned to present a column on illiteracy for your web publication and each week, even after he has presented you with a check for the "This Space For Rent" fee, he is turned away. Obviously the commune is not quite the freedom- loving news source they present themselves as.

You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves, and I mean more so. Don't count on me to be checking out the commune anymore.

"Weak Hat" Tim McGee
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania


Dear "Weak Hat":

We at the commune remember your cousin Nestor quite well. It's difficult to forget the man who gets lodged in the revolving door of your office each week. Nestor has been here several times, yes, and we have continuously told him he is welcome to present a column on illiteracy to us for the commune to print. Our refusal to publish his column has nothing to do with his "for" opinion on illiteracy and everything to do with the fact we can't publish strange markings or rips in notebook paper as they do not actually comprise a "column" per se.

Also, though Nestor has written us several checks, we are unable to cash any of them since he cannot sign them, make them out to anybody, specify any monetary amount, nor does he actually have a checking account. Checks are also not allowed to be written on Charmen toilet paper, to the best of our knowledge.

Please find whatever hole in the fence your cousin is escaping through and block it off. Our revolving door can only take so much. Thanks for writing.

the commune

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Dear commune:

I had a dream last night and you were a real asshole.

We were out fishing in this boat, and I was using turkey and cheese for bait and you were using a small tactical missile. Then, without warning, you ate me whole without chewing. What was that about? I thought we were friends.

The rest of the dream went on for a few hours, at least it seemed like a few hours, but I don't really know much about it because I was inside your stomach and it was very dark. I think I heard Faye Dunaway's voice but I don't know for sure.

What a cock-basket you are.


Miles M. Coltrane
Harlan, New Hampshire


Dear Miles:

How strange it is you're basically a supporting player in your own dream. Perhaps you should seek professional help for the long list of issues you have, then come back to us and complain about our dreamlife alter-egoes.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the national shortage of cool bands, blame terrorism if it makes you feel punchy. All our letters are tested for biological contagions, then we score them on Cosmo's "Ten Ways to Satisfy Your Man" quiz.

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