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November 26, 2001   
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homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Government Denies Terrorist Involvement in ABC's Fall Schedule

November 26, 2001
Hollywood, FL
COURTESY ABC TV
Terrorist handiwork or just bad TV?
M
onday, White House officials said that despite mounting public concerns over the quality of ABC’s fall television schedule, there have been no signs of involvement from Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network or other known terrorist groups.

President George W. Bush was told there were no unusual personnel changes in the network’s staff and that despite being undeniably godawful, ABC’s doomed fall shows have yet to show any telltale signs of terrorist tampering, such as the insertion of anti-American slogans or the context-insensitive addition of scenes showing a foam rubber effigy of President Bush being torn apart by gorillas.

FCC officials are determined to find out why ABC’s fall line-up has taken an awe-inspiring nosedive into a huge mountain o...Read more...

Giuliani Elected King of New York

New Yorkers trade democracy, freedom for security of feudalism
November 12, 2001
Washington, DC
Junior Bacon
Rudolph Giuliani, King of the
Big Half-Bitten Apple
I
n an upset to both Republican and Democratic candidates for the Mayor of New York City, former mayor Rudolph Giuliani was elected King For Life by write-in vote in the Nov. 6th mayoral elections.

"Nobody was expecting this," said Giuliani, serving out his final days in the mayoral position. "But the people have spoken. And I am proud to assume my divine birthright as King For Life of this beautiful city."

Giuliani is not only the first candidate to win entirely by write-in votes, he will serve as the first king in the traditionally-democratic United States city.

"Obviously this is a clear mandate for security over the traditional freedoms awarded American citizens," said Columbia University Professor of Political Science and future peasant Dr. Will G...Read more...




November 26, 2001
Click for Biography

Fortune 6

I present to you, the King of throw-away island. Slicing a trench into the past, dogwoods spread their sprays like drifting clouds, the most wasteful member of the tree family. "King Trapper of the North" is how they'd like to be remembered. Hardly. Tubers, seeds, runners, corms, bulbs, rhizomes, roots and spores fan out like chuck wagons clattering in a figure eight. A boy sets out; a man returns, chromosomes aligning. Less secret are the lichens, and the groundhogs are without good cause, like spoiled vultures. Shaded by the cursed dogwood. Among the toughest of living things, A.L. van den Brandeler makes quick with the axe to help me single-hand her.

You will feed during summer's abundance, mate, lay eggs and die. Try again later....Read more...

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Milestones
1994: Omar Bricks arrested after setting a statue of the Virgin Mary ablaze atop the Ferris wheel at the State Fair. Gets off on a technicality that goes down in legal history as the Proud Mary defense
Now Hiring
Flamenco Dancer. Leggy Latin beauty needed to, well, you know. And dance. Must be disease-free and light on the orthodontia. Garden hose-based qualifications a big plus. Mus- wait. Really? Then what the hell's flamenco?
Top Reasons Why You Couldn't Have Killed Your Dead Wife
1.What, and miss the prime Christmas Eve fishing season?
2.Too busy having extramarital affair to plot murder
3.Pregnant wife-killing totally against religion
4.Ha. I wish!
5.Spirit too crushed from living with soulless bitch for years
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Babe: Pig in the World Trade Center Movie Indefinitely Pulled

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BY roland mcshyster
11/26/2001
How's it hangin', America? Welcome back for another ass-blast of entertainment value as we take a gander at the batch of goodies Hollywood is cramming down our throats this week. I'd tell you how I've been lately, but since it starts out exactly like that joke about the priest, the rabbi and the midget with the clap, you'd never believe me anyway. I will leave you with this one nugget of wisdom gained, however: it's better to keep your trap snapped and wonder if the person ahead of you in line at the grocery is a shrimpy man or a ugly woman, than it is to take a beating with a roll of cookie dough. Lesson learned, ladies and gentlemen. Your mileage may vary.

Now... the movies!


In Theaters Now:



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