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November 12, 2001   
You can't spell 'patriot' without 'a riot'
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Dick Cheney Written Out of Republican Party

Unpopular Vice President denounced as "a bad idea from the get-go"
November 12, 2001
Washington, DC
K-mart Portrait Studio
Dick Cheney, unable to hear the axe falling
G
OP leaders announced at a press conference yesterday that Vice President Dick Cheney would be gradually written out of the Republican party over the next few months.

"As everything progresses," said President Bush, "you'll be seeing less and less of Dick Cheney until his contract expires. He'll sink more into the background, with the idea being eventually we'll replace him entirely."

Insiders say that disappointing approval ratings and a lack of appeal among female constituents 18-49 led to the decision to do away with the Vice President. An unidentified source, namely some guy we didn't know, described the Vice President as "a bad idea from the get-go."

For months rumors persisted that the diminishing role of the Vice President was a sign that produc...Read more...

Suspicious White Powder Turns Out to Be Cocaine

Authorities relieved to see massive shipment of illegal narcotics
November 12, 2001
El Squatro, CA
Junior Bacon
The police, in too big a goddamn hurry to wait for the photographer to get there
A
truck laden with hundreds of packages of a mysterious white powder attempted to cross the border here today, drawing scrutiny from the Border Patrol and local law enforcement officers concerned that it could be just the latest in a series of terrorist attacks involving Anthrax. After closer investigation, a spokesman revealed, with some relief, that the substance turned out to be simply 94% pure Colombian cocaine.

"We were awful worried at first," said Sheriff Fluff Drivel of nearby Littlehead City. "These days everyone's on edge whenever they see white powder. Hell, my wife refuses to bake anything that involves using flour right now."

Drivel's partner, Officer Roy Dither, added, "I was the one to investigate the powder itself. You remember that TV show, I think...Read more...




November 12, 2001
Click for Biography

You're Welcome, Homeless Orphans

the commune's Omar Bricks will pass the gravy when he's damn well done with it
Every year around this time I get a lot of mail from readers asking about the holidays. It seems like everyone's got a question on their mind like: "If you run over a kid with your car on Halloween, and you're dressed as a giant baby, can you still be tried as an adult?" or "Is there a statute of limitations on stealing thirty turkeys?" or "Omar, I think you got my sister pregnant at the Christmas party last year." Unfortunately, I can't answer every question personally, since as Twain said, "Time is money," and nobody's sent a valid cashier's check or money order along with any of their questions so far. (Incidentally, the answer to all three questions above is "It depends on which state you're in." That's a freebie to get you started.) But this year I thought I'd do a column answering s...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Unless we're talking Gandhi, but what fun is it taking a cudgel to the nuts for your country? None, that's how much.”

-Gorgeous George Spatten
Fortune 500 Cookie
Prepare for a fantastic journey of whimsy and wonder, and it's going to cost you $20—don't forget you can't touch her. Your keys are always in the last place you left them, so try looking at the bottom of Lake Chappaquiddick. What's up grandma's ass? What a bitch. When this particular problem comes along, literally whipping it will only result in jail time. Lucky skin blemishes: blackhead, pockmark, knife wound, stigmata.


Try again later.
Top 5 Bush Second-Term Pledges
1.Encourage nations to work with us again, under threat of violence
2.Pay national deficit with Discover and Visa cards
3.Appeal to black constituents by finally selling off "Amos & Andy" videos
4.Build new wing of America so rich people can vacation more
5.Two, maybe even three more inaugurations
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Mistress Nancy New House Dominatrix

View Past Columns
BY ned nedmiller
10/29/2001
The Waistland
April be the month that's meaner
Than a shot of carburetor cleaner
Or an icy, uncooked wiener
Said the raven: "Ned's a Whore".

"Ain't my lookout," said the genie,
in a voice so tiny, teeny
Ned thought it a baby, beanie
And burned down the store just to be safe.

The chair he sat in, folded nicely
But his bits were getting icy
There ice fishing by the Diner
Should have brought his own recliner.

Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead
Flew from Phoenix, or so he said
With a seabird on his head
Sea World's sorry, Shamu fed.

As Ned walked out the sun was hidin'
Behind a cowboy walrus ridin'
On a dipstick with twelve feet
Dumbstruck people turned to wheat...Read more...