merica’s Cable News Network, CNN, owned by the AOL-Time-Warner Corporation, has been charged with leaking vital information threatening national security after a broadcast of intricate military strike operations allegedly interfered with U.S. attacks on Afghanistan and the Al Qaeda terrorist networks.

On Oct. 10th, the Attorney General charges, a regular broadcast of news covering American retaliation on Afghanistan was interrupted by a news bulletin handed to news anchor Andrea Thompson.

“This just in: ‘Duck, bin Laden! Look out! Behind you! Get down!� Thompson stated frantically, jumping up and down and gesturing downwards.

The report, the Department of Defense states, was intercepted instantaneously by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda terrorist network through an illegal cable hook-up obtained for an extra $50 to the cable guy. At that moment, bin Laden and his associates ducked and missles flew harmlessly over their heads, destroying innocent civilian sites and leaving the Al Qaeda network unharmed.

“This grievous, I even charge treasonous behavior will not be tolerated,� Attorney General John Ashcroft raged. “I support the freedom of the press as much as the next guy.� Ashcroft then gestured to Sen. Orrin Hatch, conveniently standing by. “But in this case, CNN endangered an operation that could’ve saved the lives of many Americans, civilian and military. Why couldn’t you keep your big mouth shut?�

This is not the first time the Cable News Network has been accused of interfering with national security interests. In 1989, charges were leveled against CNN for a report that allegedly allowed Manuel Noriega to escape a U.S. military operation.

“Don’t go in there, Noriega!� then-correspondent Bobbie Battista screamed from her anchor desk, as Noriega reportedly was about to enter an airport where U.S. Navy S.E.A.L.s awaited him. “No! Not that door, stupid! The back door, get out the back! Jesus, look out! They’re all around you!�

Noriega did not escape capture, and despite arguments from detractors of CNN, the happy victory allowed CNN to get by with only a stern warning. Officials now say if Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda network commit more atrocities in the U.S., CNN will face numerous backlashes, including possible charges of treason and the caning of Larry King.

n the days since the National Tragedy of September 11, when real estate prices in lower Manhattan took a tumble, every business and home in the U.S. has been displaying the American flag in an effort to show their patriotism and shame anyone without a flag into running to their local Wal-Mart or Raley's in hopes of finding some cheap Taiwanese facsimile of the Stars and Stripes. Here in San Francisco, the Flag Wars have erupted between two competing strip clubs within a block of each other, and the fighting promises to get nasty as the weeks wear on.

At the Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theater, three full-size flags have been flying proudly above the marquee, which announces the latest show as "Red, White and Nude." We spoke with owner Jim Mitchell, who said "Actually, it's more correctly known as the Mitchell BROTHER Theater these days, ever since I shot ol' Artie back in the early '90s and spent a few years in the joint for it. But anyway… yeah, we figured the right thing to do was to fly the flag in honor of all those potential lap-dance patrons that will now never know the pleasure of having a fine peroxided blonde with silicone hooters sit down and try to cajole twenty-dollar bills out of them for a minimum of sexual contact. It seemed like the least we could do, given the circumstances."

To that end, Mitchell installed two flagpoles on either side of the existing one above the marquee, and is now flying the flag in triplicate. "We've got three," he pointed out, standing on the sidewalk in front of the theater, where two of his surgically-enhanced bimbos and a male bouncer were taking a cigarette break. "That club down on Larkin," he added, referring to the New Century Theater, "only has two."

At the New Century, no one would comment, except to say that they were "just as goddamned patriotic as that bastard Jim Mitchell, who can come down here and kiss my red, white and blue ass." This reporter did note, however, that there were only two American flags flying above their marquee, which advertised "Girl on Girl Shows" and "Bachelor Parties Welcome." It also appeared that one of the dancers at the New Century was wearing a G-string with a stars and stripes motif, but it was extremely dark, so it could have been something else.

Who's to blame, good people? That's what I've been asking myself all week: Who's to blame? That and, on an unrelated note, "Why did they cancel Gunsmoke when it was just getting good?"

The earlier question has been inspired by an incident that happened last Sunday, friends. I was enjoying an issue of Hot Dog magazine, as I'm prone to do on occasion, when my charming neighbor Mrs. Hardlevilch stopped by for a visit. As you may or may not know, people who are very close to dying in their old age make a "visit" a huge event, and Mrs. Hardlevilch is no exception. She was dressed in her finest pantsuit and babushka.

The three of us--myself, Mrs. Hardlevilch and my long-suffering wife, Arvelyn--all sat around talking over the state of things, or more commonly the state of things in 1949, the last year before everything went to pot in America. Mrs. Hardlevilch became very flustered and excited when I did my famous Louis Armstrong-in-a-blender impression, and that's when it happened.

Mrs. Hardlevilch wet my sofa! And floor, thanks to some unsightly dribbling, but mostly my sofa is what I'm concerned about.

Needless to say, I was perturbed. At first Mrs. Hardlevilch apologized rapidly, still laughing uncontrollably at my dead-on impression, and offered to build a time machine to go back fifteen minutes and put some plastic on the sofa before she sat down. I was intrigued, but it quickly became apparent her theories of time travel and plans to carry it out were extremely flawed. Within another minute, Mrs. Hardlevilch was convinced someone had entered the room and pissed on her, completely forgetting her role in staining my couch.

I'm now at my wit's end, and it wasn't far to go, let me tell you. I'm left asking, as I said before, who's to blame? Sure, I could sue Mrs. Hardlevilch in a court of law, but no jury is going to convict a withered old fossil of public urination since I'm not sure it's a crime and, truthfully, my living room isn't considered public domain. If I had deemed to shoot her, sure, it would have been legal, but her pissing all over my couch left me without much recourse of action once the moment for retaliation passed. Not that I would ever shoot the dear old women, she'd probably think it was the Kaiser shelling her homeland or something anyway.

If Mrs. Hardlevilch is not to blame, who is? Through some late-night detective work, I managed to find out Mrs. Hardlevilch wears Dapper Debutante brand adult "pads," so that offered me some hope. But so far all threatening letters have not received any offer to settle out of court, and I'm sure signing them with my real name wouldn't help. This means, of course, that there is a faulty product out there in Dapper Debutante adult "safety nets" and behind them is a company unwilling to admit they're responsible for the puddles of the greatest generation.

In the end, as Arvelyn pointed out, I probably have no one to blame but myself. There is nothing funnier in the world than my Louis Armstong-in-a-blender impression; I knew this and carried forth with thoughtless drive to entertain, floors and sofas be damned. More than a reasonable number of healthy young Americans have relieved themselves all over my property in response to my humoriffic comedy "closer." This might seem enough reason for anyone to stop, but I know I won't. The world needs hilarious impressions of famous loveable singers suffering severe torture in a comical fashion, and I think a sofa, after all is said and done, is a small price to pay.

º Last Column: I Have Just Seen American Booty
º more columns