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American Afghans Apprehended, Interred In CampsControversial concentration pounds activated October 1, 2001 |
Plimpton, CT Ramrod Hurley Interred Afghan American Kiwi n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcr...
n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Bad dogs. Bad, bad dogs."
Across the United States, pet owners and sympathizers are outraged by what they call an unfounded, prejudicial law.
"These dogs are good Americans," said Nancy Martin, owner of three Afghans interred because of the new law. "Mumu, Gaia, and Kiwi were born right here in this country. They eat American food, they wear American-made sweaters and make bad on American rugs. Not Persian. Certainly not Afghanese. Bad dogs? I say, 'Bad lawmakers. Bad, bad lawmakers.'" the commune News believes in socially responsible reporting and our staff practices safe sex at least seven times a day. Ramrod Hurley is a freelance journalist, photographer, and according to Lil Duncan, "Poppinazi". Ramrod is reporting for the commune news while he searches out a publisher for his new book, "If These Tits Could Talk: A Lil Duncan Biography".
| Report: ’Osama’ Least Popular Name for American BabiesPerennial unfavorte 'Hitler' loses ground October 1, 2001 |
Baltimore, MD Assad The Unseen/AP A brave new world will greet Hitler Caldwell study conducted last week found that among the most popular names for baby boys right now are "John" and "Jason." Least popular: "Osama." Scientists say not only has the name "Osama" the least popular name for American parents naming baby boys, it has fallen drastically this year from last year’s ranking. "Last year’s study showed that Osama was number 435th. Not very popular at all as a name choice for American boys," said study author and researcher Dr. David Banner. "But this year… oh, jeez. Jesus pleasus. Lookit that. Waaay down there. I’m not even joking." Other unpopular names on the list included, "Shitdick," "The Buttinator," "Regis," "Flaccid," "Ball-lick," and perennial least-favorite, "Hitler." "This is no good," said ...
study conducted last week found that among the most popular names for baby boys right now are "John" and "Jason." Least popular: "Osama." Scientists say not only has the name "Osama" the least popular name for American parents naming baby boys, it has fallen drastically this year from last year’s ranking. "Last year’s study showed that Osama was number 435th. Not very popular at all as a name choice for American boys," said study author and researcher Dr. David Banner. "But this year… oh, jeez. Jesus pleasus. Lookit that. Waaay down there. I’m not even joking." Other unpopular names on the list included, "Shitdick," "The Buttinator," "Regis," "Flaccid," "Ball-lick," and perennial least-favorite, "Hitler." "This is no good," said expectant mother Sheila Caldwell. "I had ’Osama’ all picked out and now, well, I’m not using that. It’s a shame though. I had all these outfits with ’Osama’ embroidered in the left shoulder, like ’Laverne and Shirley.’""Not anymore," said Sheila’s husband Matt Caldwell. "What’s that other one you said? Hitler?" the commune News would like to point out that if you were really such a big shot, you wouldn’t need a fancy Beemer to look cool. A rusted-out El Camino with Taz mudflaps would do just fine. Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown is the long-dead Chicago Cubs Hall of Fame pitcher who seems to have returned from the great beyond, fancying himself a reporter and scaring the hell out of the rest of the staff, except Ramon Nootles, who’s never heard of baseball.
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October 1, 2001 An Eye for CatfishHey, Shorty, you got you another one o' them Moon Pies? No? Well, how 'bout you break me off a piece o' that one, then, huh? That looks like a good 'un... you can tell 'cause the chocolate's kinda turned color, like it's been in the wrapper for a couple months. That's when Moon Pies is best. Just like them marshmallow chicks and bunnies you get for Easter. I like to eat them about July or August or so. That's when they's best.
You know what they oughta make, Shorty? Marshmallow frogs and crawdads, is what. I betcha them'd sell real good. You could buy 'em to eat, or you could use 'em for bait. Yessir, I bet them'd be real popular.
You know, speakin' o' bait, d'I ever tell you about that time Jimmy Wayne and Everett was out fishin', and Jimmy Wayne won the Catfish ...
º Last Column: The Milkman's Boy º more columns
Hey, Shorty, you got you another one o' them Moon Pies? No? Well, how 'bout you break me off a piece o' that one, then, huh? That looks like a good 'un... you can tell 'cause the chocolate's kinda turned color, like it's been in the wrapper for a couple months. That's when Moon Pies is best. Just like them marshmallow chicks and bunnies you get for Easter. I like to eat them about July or August or so. That's when they's best.
You know what they oughta make, Shorty? Marshmallow frogs and crawdads, is what. I betcha them'd sell real good. You could buy 'em to eat, or you could use 'em for bait. Yessir, I bet them'd be real popular.
You know, speakin' o' bait, d'I ever tell you about that time Jimmy Wayne and Everett was out fishin', and Jimmy Wayne won the Catfish Contest? That was the damnedest thing I ever did hear, and I heard some pretty weird stuff in my time, Shorty, you know I'm tellin' the truth about that. Ask anybody. Like how just the other night, Jimmy Wayne and Everett was out giggin' frogs, and Everett mistook ol' Jimmy Wayne's bare foot in the water for a frog, and he stabbed his gigger clean through it? You hear about that? Everett says it was a pure-dee accident, and that he ain't to blame anyway, on account o' him only havin' one eye and all. 'Course that don't mean much to ol' Jimmy Wayne at the time, 'cause there he is standin' in three feet o' water with a frog gigger stuck through his foot and blood gushin' out of it and all. Jiminy Christmas, he was mad. He was so mad he was vivid. I guess once they got that gigger out o' his foot, he was hoppin' mad.
But it ain't like he can say much to ol' Everett, after what happened in the Catfish Contest a few years back. You never heard about that, huh? Oh yeah. That's why ol' Everett wears that eyepatch, the one that makes him look like Blackboard the pirate.
See, they was fishin' in Jimmy Wayne's secret spot, but they wasn't havin' much luck. It was the last day o' the contest, and neither one o' them had anything worth throwin' on a scale. They was tryin' every kind o' bait they was; stink bait, chicken livers that sat in the sun too long, mackerel, nightcrawlers, doughballs and corn, everything, and they wasn't havin' much success. Ol' Jimmy Wayne was gettin' pretty frustrated, it bein' his lucky secret spot and all, and he was just about to give it all up and throw his whole rig in the water and go home. He figured he'd give it one more shot, though, and he loaded up his hook with a big ol' chicken liver. Only thing was, that chicken liver had sat too long, and had got kinda runny, so when he flipped his line back, it just went sailin' off his hook. He didn't even notice that, he just whipped his line around and cast it out as far as he could. Well, ol' Everett was sittin' right there, and that hook caught him square in the eyeball. Just ripped his whole eyeball right outta his head, clean as you could pull it out with a pair o' pliers.
Jimmy Wayne still didn't notice what had happened, so he just let that line fly, with ol' Everett's eyeball hangin' off his hook and everything. The line hit the water, and just as fast as a ol' jackrabbit humps his second cousin, the biggest catfish in the river swallows up ol' Everett's eyeball and is hooked but good. Everett stars screamin', on account o' all of a sudden he ain't got but one eye, and there's blood all over his face, and Jimmy Wayne starts screamin' 'cause he's just hooked into the biggest catfish this side o' the one that swallowed Jonah, and so there they was, both standin' there screamin' their fool heads off, with Jimmy Wayne thinkin' that Everett's screamin' about the fish and Everett thinkin' Jimmy Wayne's screamin' about his lost eyeball.
Well, it was a mess, but Jimmy Wayne was able to bring that fish in, and that's how he won the Catfish Contest. He used some o' the money he won to buy Everett that eyepatch, and he threw in a case o' Dixie beer on top of it, just 'cause he felt so bad. They was able to get ol' Everett's eyeball outta the catfish once Jimmy Wayne brought it down to the bait shop and weighed it, but by then it wasn't much good to Everett. Hell, it wasn't much good to the catfish by then, neither. Ol' Jimmy Wayne wanted to take it and use it for bait again, but Everett didn't much appreciate that idea.
That's why we always tell ol' Everett to keep a eye out for a nice catfish. You heard me say that to him before, right Shorty?
You know what they oughta make, Shorty? Marshmallow eyeballs. I bet them'd sell real good down at the bait shop. I betcha Jimmy Wayne'd buy 'em by the dozen. º Last Column: The Milkman's Boyº more columns |
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Quote of the Day“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. TouchĂ©.”
-Quentin HillchurchFortune 500 CookieHappiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.
Try again later.Top Regretted Dog Names1. | Jar Jar | 2. | Forever Young | 3. | Harvey Milk | 4. | Meatballs | 5. | Dogzor, Lord of All Dogs | |
| FBI Uncovers Several Other Targets AmongBY thurston honeycutt 10/1/2001 VictimThere's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul?
There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts?
There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my heart.
But you and I, we shall not speak of that tonight.
You and I are four hundred miles apart tonight.
While you, you are safe behind your locked door, safe with your unanswered phone, I am drowning. Drowning.
I am filling in the gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my heart with vodka and cranber...
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my heart. But you and I, we shall not speak of that tonight. You and I are four hundred miles apart tonight. While you, you are safe behind your locked door, safe with your unanswered phone, I am drowning. Drowning. I am filling in the gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my heart with vodka and cranberry. Telling the man on the barstool beside me the story of the gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my heart not to mention the restraining orders the locked doors and windows and the many many many unanswered phone calls. He says he has no sympathy. So when the paramedics get here, I am going to ask them to treat me first. Because who is suffering drowning and suffering more - me, with the gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my heart, or him, with his little bloody nose? |