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October 1, 2001   
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American Afghans Apprehended, Interred In Camps

Controversial concentration pounds activated
October 1, 2001
Plimpton, CT
Ramrod Hurley
Interred Afghan American Kiwi
I
n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."

The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.

Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.

"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcr...Read more...

Report: ’Osama’ Least Popular Name for American Babies

Perennial unfavorte 'Hitler' loses ground
October 1, 2001
Baltimore, MD
Assad The Unseen/AP
A brave new world will greet Hitler Caldwell
A
study conducted last week found that among the most popular names for baby boys right now are "John" and "Jason." Least popular: "Osama."

Scientists say not only has the name "Osama" the least popular name for American parents naming baby boys, it has fallen drastically this year from last year’s ranking.

"Last year’s study showed that Osama was number 435th. Not very popular at all as a name choice for American boys," said study author and researcher Dr. David Banner. "But this year… oh, jeez. Jesus pleasus. Lookit that. Waaay down there. I’m not even joking."

Other unpopular names on the list included, "Shitdick," "The Buttinator," "Regis," "Flaccid," "Ball-lick," and perennial least-favorite, "Hitler."

"This is no good," said ...Read more...




October 1, 2001
Click for Biography

An Eye for Catfish

Hey, Shorty, you got you another one o' them Moon Pies? No? Well, how 'bout you break me off a piece o' that one, then, huh? That looks like a good 'un... you can tell 'cause the chocolate's kinda turned color, like it's been in the wrapper for a couple months. That's when Moon Pies is best. Just like them marshmallow chicks and bunnies you get for Easter. I like to eat them about July or August or so. That's when they's best.

You know what they oughta make, Shorty? Marshmallow frogs and crawdads, is what. I betcha them'd sell real good. You could buy 'em to eat, or you could use 'em for bait. Yessir, I bet them'd be real popular.

You know, speakin' o' bait, d'I ever tell you about that time Jimmy Wayne and Everett was out fishin', and Jimmy Wayne won the Catfish ...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. TouchĂ©.”

-Quentin Hillchurch
Fortune 500 Cookie
Happiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.


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Top Regretted Dog Names
1.Jar Jar
2.Forever Young
3.Harvey Milk
4.Meatballs
5.Dogzor, Lord of All Dogs
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FBI Uncovers Several Other Targets Among

View Past Columns
BY thurston honeycutt
10/1/2001
Victim
There's a gray hole
in my -
shall we call it a soul?
Is that what it is?
A soul?

There's a gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my -
shall we call it a
heart?
Do souls have
hearts?

There's a gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my
heart.

But you and I,
we shall not
speak
of that tonight.

You and I
are four hundred miles
apart
tonight.

While you, you
are safe behind your locked
door,
safe
with your unanswered
phone,
I am drowning.
Drowning.

I am filling in the gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my
heart
with vodka
and cranber...Read more...