ld-Right conservative and Al Gore vote poacher Pat Buchanan fumbled his way into the national spotlight yet again last week, after being doused with salad dressing by a Western Michigan University student who found the former presidential candidate to be dry and lacking in flavor.

Speaking to a group of conservative college students and future knobs in Kalamazoo, Buchanan’s scheduled appearance had garnered considerable controversy even before it began. Some felt that scheduling Buchanan’s talk on the birthday of the late Mexican-American labor leader Cesar Chavez was in poor taste, given the conservative commentator’s well-known “Get Back, Wetback� stance on immigration.

Buchanan spoke to the fawning crowd about keeping Mexicans away from our low-paying jobs for nearly an hour before closing with one of his trademark bizarre slogans.

“And if I’m wrong, may God strike me down with Ranch dressing!�

Almost as if on cue, a moment later Buchanan was drenched by an unlikely quantity of salad dressing, either thrown by an irony-savvy student in the audience or the producers of You Can’t Do That on Television, hiding amongst the catwalks high above the stage.

After briefly losing his composure and waving his penis around the stage like an enraged jungle beast, Buchanan took a moment to taste some of the dressing he was wearing and smiled broadly.

“Wait a minute, this is Thousand Island. Bet’s off!�

The incident came only days after conservative buttwipe William Kristol was hit in the face by a student-thrown pie during an appearance at Earlham College in Indiana. The Weekly Standard editor continued answering questions for another 30 minutes after the pie incident, apparently unaware that thrown food is a customary sign that it’s time to get off the stage.

When asked later what he thought of the incident and the crowd at Earlham, a college known for peace studies, a besotted Kristol seemed surprised. “Pie?�

Both incidents mark a rising tide of food-based violence in America. Similar well-publicized incidents began occurring last year, beginning with the pop group N’Sync being pelted by powdered donuts in Miami and continuing with the completely shocking sight of Gloria Estefan being broadsided by a live marlin on stage in Nebraska, which are now seen as early signs of an alarming trend.

However, these latest events point to a politicization of the food-throwing movement, which could spell trouble for President Bush when he speaks at the National Egg-Lovers’ Convention next month in Chicago.

or a third year in a row, a young Messier, Idaho, boy has continued to miss the point entirely concerning his April Fool’s Day pranks. The boy’s jests are described as “cruel and malicious� by Messier police and have resulted in the wrongful arrest of six individuals and the hospitalization of two with severe injuries.

Identified by a spiteful member of the police department as Messier Elementary sixth-grader Bert Woodland, the boy has perpetrated another spree of April Fool’s jokes this past Friday, unleashing more terror on a town that had hoped it had seen the last of unfunny, “just plain mean� practical jokes. Two of Friday’s five harshest April Fool’s incidents have already been traced back to Woodland, and police believe they will eventually tie all of the crimes back to the little prick.

Among the more destructive of Friday’s pranks was the non-lethal firing of a handgun within a hospital emergency room, greasing the ladder of a local fire engine (resulting in the injury of a fireman at the scene of a blaze), and the mailing of a cowheart to the parents or a girl who had been missing for five months. Even the townspeople of Messier, Idaho, who claim to have really warped senses of humor agree there’s funny and then there’s just abusing people.

Police had similar run-ins with Woodland’s unfunny assaults on the innocent on two previous April Fool’s Days, the most severe incident being last year’s burying alive of Woodland’s brother, Cory. While the parents refused to press charges against their own son, it did raise police awareness that the prankster’s sense of humor was not getting better and earned him the universal designation of “sick fuck� from everyone in Messier.

“That little shit put a rattlesnake in my mailbox,� said elderly neighbor Huntz Vohlman. “Not a plastic one, a live rattlesnake. If I hadn’t heard the sound it would have caught me when it lunged out to bite. I’m telling you, that’s not normal. I haven’t been out of my house on the first of April for the last two years.�

Vohlman’s fear was generally shared by everyone in Messier. Principal of Messier Elementary Arlene Fredericks cancelled school when all the teachers threatened not to come on the dreaded “A-Day,� petrified by Woodland’s potential destruction.

Substitute teacher Martin Kohl: “Last year I showed up and didn’t even know it was April Fool’s. But I found out soon enough. The kid tossed a quarter stick of dynamite at me—not a firecracker, you hear, but a real partial stick of dynamite. The doctors couldn’t even reattach my right index finger. When’s someone going to explain humor to this kid?�

University of Idaho Child Psychologist Will Raymond studied Woodland last year following his second April Fool’s arrest.

“Young Bert has obviously misinterpreted the spirit of the holiday,� said Raymond. “In modern times, April the first is a day when we all try to lighten up a bit, stop taking ourselves so seriously, and make a game out of embarrassing our friends and neighbors—those we’re fond of. Instead, Bert uses it as an excuse to lash out with his insidious wit and damage others, either emotionally or physically, or sometimes both. He is, I believe, a purely anti-social personality with just enough a sense of morality to need an excuse—like April Fool’s Day—to ignite his malicious behavior. At first I believed he had a rich history of emotional abuse which he concealed with his terror. Later on I found out he was just an asshole.�

Raymond declined an invitation to study the boy again, since after last year’s visit Woodland posted his image on a website for registered sex offenders; Raymond also suspects the boy’s the reason he’s been getting amorous letters from the Idaho State Men’s Penitentiary.

Editor's Note: Rok Finger isn't available this week to bring you a fresh serving of his homespun curmudgeon wit. But in the interest of filling space, since Gay Bagel says big gaping holes on the index page make advertisers cry, we bring you this special edition of Rok Finger's column, as originally presented in his high school newspaper, Spirit! The first few lines have been lost to history, or possibly a smart editor.

…and of course, I think they would be happier in their own neighborhood. The adults really have hit the nail on the head with this one.

But I digress. As I suggested earlier, I would like to address the number one problem facing this empire of ours, and it's none of those slimy things I mentioned before. No, I'm talking of course about the "magic box" that has entranced our nation, young and old alike: television.

Fellow teens, the dangers presented by this flashing light show are myriad and numbersome. You have noticed, I'm sure, how anyone caught in its line of fire is instantly stopped and held catatonic for an immeasurable amount of time? Well, let's forget all the potential dangers of this, like being frozen by a TV in the middle of a busy city street (some shopowners even maliciously display these things in their windows—turned on!) Let's think about the danger these contraptions pose to our everyday lives.

Have you ever turned on one, just to become lost in the timeless void and awake later with no memory of where, say, four hours went? Sure, we all have, except for me. I refuse to watch the danged thing, excuse my tongue. The effect could paralyze ours, the greatest nation on the earth, when more and more people simply stop showing up to work. Our city policeman will be called to their houses when the smell gets too much for the neighbors, only to find the dessicated remains of some Maverick fan who couldn't be bothered with eating, sleeping, shaving, or any other of our precious daily activities.

When the machines stop working, you know what happens to our country: Stagnation! It's the same thing that happened to the ancient Greeks. They didn't have television, sure, but some of those dramatists were pretty mesmerizing. The volcanoes start a-firin' and there you are, stuck in the front row to a lava show because you wanted to find out what was the deal with Oedipus.

Let's face it, nobody even knows how these blasted things work. They were discovered on an archaeological expedition, I hear, or it has something to do with Nazi testing on human beings. And we brought it back with us to the civilized world, not realizing it was syphilis in a cube. Where are these strange "TV networks" located… have you ever seen one?

Maybe we're not in real danger just yet. But fellow teens, mark my words, one of us has to go—television or humanity. Can you imagine where the path we're on might eventually end? Grim atrocities like murder might become public entertainment in years to come. Any idiot with a television could decide important matters, like who the world's best singer is, or who's hot or not.

I shudder to think of it. Fellow teens, throw your TVs in the river now, while you still can!

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