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Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to finish my senten…”

-John Paul Jones
Fortune 500 Cookie
Everything’s looking up this week, to avoid making eye contact with you. At long last it has become clear that your master’s degree in goat teasing was a total waste of time. Everyone knows sneezing into your sleeve is just good manners, you should try the same when you break wind. On the bright side, we showed a picture of you to a time-traveler who stopped by the office last week, and he said "Oh Jesus, that guy?" so apparently you’re well-known in the future. This week’s lucky gadgets: HP iPlaid (launching next week on clearance), Samsung MySlate laptop-sized smartphone, iRobot Chippy: Autonomous Quadrotor Personal Killdrone, Sonicareless dental apathy kit, Windows 7 Phone in Bluescreen Blue.

Try again later.
Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips
1.Carbs are like the devil’s penis: Delicious but fattening.
2.After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich.
3.Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, you’ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you won’t be so upset when you find out you’re still fat.
4.You’re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day.
5.At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant.
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