"As an idealistic young man, I came up with a plan for America. Most politically-active young Americans have ideas on how to improve their country. You did, didn't you? Well, hooray for you. I actually wrote it down.

The first part of my plan was to collect all the food into one big pot and make a gigantic soup. Some might call this mad, but it helped Chef Boyardee feed all of Italy and, by golly, it would feed all of America as well. The only problem would be lining everybody up in multiple lines with their bowls in hand and sending them through to fill up once and making sure everybody got at least one bowlful before we started giving out seconds. I guess we'd have to be on the honor system that nobody went back for seconds before everyone else was fed.

The second part of my plan was that everyone in America get a nice little shop. It would have to be carefully discussed and worked out so that everyone had a shop that everyone else would want to shop at, and that we have enough shops of things we actually need, balancing out the supply and demand. There's no point having 10,000 balloon shops in the greater St. Louis area and no food shops. I seriously doubt there is that big a need for balloons in St. Louis while there is obviously a need for food.

The third part of my plan was to establish a system of leadership with no incentives at all. With the political power structure in this country, as well as all the money involved, people will say and do anything to get elected. To take that away, my idea was to have every politician be kicked in the groin—or failing that, smacked with an aluminum bat across the face—to take away the incentive to the job. This way only the people who really wanted to help the country, or enjoyed being brutalized, would become a politician.

It became quite obvious at some point that I was beginning to feel the effects of my homemade gin and that the brilliant ideas I was writing down would look like stupid drug-fueled thoughts scribbled on paper by the morning time. I wadded them and burned them all in hopes of forgetting. But I'll always have my memories."

º Last Column: Slice of Life
º more columns