Well damn on Spam, Shorty, you never told me you was a artist! Yessir, that is one fine likeness you done skedoodled on the back of that there matchbook. Who you said that is, Cher? Who? Blinky the Pirate? Can't say as I ever hearda him, Shorty, but I'm sure it's a damn fine likeness. Kinda looks like Cher a bit, don't he?

That sure is one marvel to see there, Shorty. Dang. We ain't had no honest to Amos artist round these parts since I was knee-high to a horsefly. You remember Noodle McDougal, Shorty? Might've been afore your time, seeing as I is an always has been two months your senior. Yessir, Noodle was a artist like the kind they don't make everyday. He could draw a road apple an you'd think it was right there in your lap. He drew up a Mayberry pie one time so real that Oleanna Cardip done swole up her whole throat and near died, seein as she's allergic to Mayberries an all. Dang if that boy couldn't draw.

One time he challenged old Homer Bonetree to a drawin' contest. Now you remember Homer, Shorty, he talked a good game but he weren't good for much but fallin' out the back of a pickup truck on his weddin' day. Come to think of it, Homer Bonetree were dang near a fallin' machine. I'd say if there ever was a fallin' genius, it was Homer. He was famous in three counties for fallin' down a well that was already boarded up, and for the time he managed a way to fall out of a hole he'd dug in the ground. He might've even ended up on TV one day if it weren't for him fallin' out that skymascraper window when he was on that tour in the big city.

Anywhat, Homer got to talkin' bout how he was the drawinest fool in town and how he could draw pictures of flies just as good as a McEnroy could draw flies for reals. And after a while Noodles MacDougal'd had about enough of Homer's braggety Andy routine, so he went an challenged Homer to a drawin' contest. So they sat themselves down in front o' Beulah Crankle's old Ford and set about each o' them drawin' a picture of it, tryin to do one better than what the other was drawin'. As that afternoon done slip away a crowd gathered all around to watch them draw, sittin' there lookin' as serious as two monkeys on a orange crate.

Judge Farkbarn elected himself to be the judge of they contest, seein as how his name was Judge an that seemed good enough to qualify him for the job. And so when the nighttime fell like Homer Bonetree out o' a rowboat, and it worked it's way around to bein' too dark to draw no more, Judge called that it was time an had both Noodles and Homer turn in they drawins.

An what he had there was for certain a sight to see, I tell you Shorty. For Noodles had gone an drew up a Ford so real you think you coulda climbed right in an drove it into town, 'cepting for it's miniature size an the fact of Buela Crankle's real Ford hadn't moved a modest foot in over twelve years. But dang if that wasn't the drawin' to beat all, Shorty.

So naturally the crowd what was there was eager to see what Homer done drew for hisself, an so they all looked at his drawin'. Some stared right hard, others turning it this way an that, upside an whatnot, before they one an all decided Homer couldn't draw a lick to save the baby Jesus' life. Homer's drawin' looked like a box with a stick stuck out of it, 'cept the box was crooked an all the lines was wavy.

Judge Farkbarn spoke out that Noodles was the unanimate winner, an that Homer drew like a big retard with hooks for hands. Everybody in town had themselves a good laugh about that, an Homer got all huffed up an climbed up a tree, then fell out an walked home.

From that day on, Shorty, weren't no person who didn't know Noodles MacDougal what was the finest artist in these parts. Even when he got older an got into his consexual arts, like paintin' pigs green or settin' a big stack o' tires on fire an callin' it art, he was still one sight to see. An you know what, Shorty? I may never myself have understood him tyin' all those possums together into a ball or walkin' around all nekkid with but a gas can on his head, but that's what made him the artist, Shorty. Kinda like you.

Say, Shorty, is that there Pirate all you can draw? Lessie what else you got. A turtle? You bet your canned ham I'd like to see a turtle. Dang, Shorty. You're one regular Vincent Monroe.

º Last Column: Jeeter's Phenomenon
º more columns