ollywood mourned the loss of another great couple this week, when super-hottie Shannon Elizabeth filed for divorce from the incredibly fortunate guy she married years ago. Citing "irreconcilable differences," not the awful Shelley Long movie, but the standard divorce patter for the sex life went to shit, the couple ended their three-year marriage, leaving Elizabeth to go back on the market and husband something Reitman to sink further into anonymity.

Elizabeth, most famous for her beautiful face and gravity-defying breasts, has appeared in two of the otherwise-insufferable American Pie movies and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, while husband Reitman, most famous for somehow bedding Playboy-quality ass despite having no real movie credits to his name, has appeared next to Elizabeth in a few photographs and not much else.

Some speculate trouble started on the set of Ashton Kutcher's M-TV show Punk'd, where trouble usually starts in Hollywood, when Reitman attempted to punk the brunette sexpot; but friends of the couple suggest the punking had been going on for months beforehand, and the couple spent more time by themselves than together, leading to the marriage's disintegration.

Elizabeth's pending divorce makes her available to enter the dating scene again, opening the door for relationships with attractive rock stars, hot Hollywood hunks, and even diminutive alternative news website reporters with charming vestigial wings.

The Shannon Elizabeth divorce from the formerly lucky fuck is only the latest in a string of super-hot celebrity babe news this week, including the deeper sinking of Katie Holmes into the world of science-fiction religion.

Fresher news also has Alias star Jennifer Garner wedding millionaire dope Ben Affleck in a secret Carribean wedding. Affleck, a renowned babe bagger with a track list including Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez, began dating Garner after his relationship with J-Lo flamed out, and he desperately wanted to find someone to fulfill the "nifer" part of his famed "Bennifer" moniker. The wedding comes as no surprise to hot chick watchers, as rumors have circulated for weeks that Garner may be pregnant with the seed of Affleck. Biologists, at least those of us who have a high school biology background, speculate the baby will either be a super-sexy spy or a really bad actor.

Also on the Ted Ted short list of fine asses to watch, Tomb Raider and sexual fantasy star Angelina Jolie was photographed with rich male hottie Brad Pitt, further fueling speculation the two were the source of friction that ended Pitt's marriage to Hollywood TV honey Jennifer Aniston.

On a sadder note, picky religious nutjobs found fault with sculpted super-beauty Jessica Simpson after the debut of Simpson's semen-inducing video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking," where Simpson is seen washing a car alá home video queen Paris Hilton's infamous Carl's Jr. commercial, in the guise of her Dukes of Hazzard role of Daisy Duke. The alarmed Baptists condemned the lovely jezebel as parading around all "slutty" and demanded she make a cleaner version of the video. Ted Ted, in response, demanded they burn in hell for ruining his good time.

In the meantime, Shannon Elizabeth asked for privacy during this very personal time, and could not be reached for response since this reporter did not have her number, no matter how desperately he keeps asking the publicist for it.

he left and moderates across the entire world let out a doleful cry as it received word that Justice Sandra Day O'Connor planned to retire upon confirmation of her replacement to spend more time making decisions in the private sector. O'Connor, one of the world's last few conservative moderates, appointed before the extinction of such creatures, often played the role of the swing vote in controversial decisions on abortion and the death penalty.

"Yahoo!" said swarthy right-wing leaders, not likely referring to the popular internet search engine.

The O'Connor retirement gives übermensch George W. Bush his first chance in 5 years of rule by terror to appoint his own brand of Justice to the Supreme Court. The Court, friend to Bush ever since it put the little dork in office back in 2000, has often just narrowly avoided turnaround decisions on hot-button issues like abortion and the display of the Ten Commandments in federally-funded places.

On Friday, with O'Connor's announcement of her retirement, Bush joined the trumpets of praise for the country's first female Supreme Court Justice. The president called her "a discerning and conscientious judge" and even going so far as saying he wished he could hug her, were it not for the restraining order against him she issued herself.

Though O'Connor disappointed liberals on occasions with such decisions as affirmative action, the left and more moderate members of political parties trembled in fear of what replacement the gun-happy, baby-lovin', prayer-shoutin' president might offer up in her stead. Although the White House remained quiet on any potential nominees, insiders say they are already working on a list of nominees that can storm their way through the Republican-held Congresses to confirmation.

"Of course the president is seeking a justice that can restore balance to his party's politics," said inside source Nate the Gangsta at the White House. "But there's still the problem of getting him past the whiney liberal leftovers in Congress, and the whole thing is on display for the American public, who still ridiculously hold out hope both parties will elect someone who reflects majority values. But I'm telling you now, the watchword on this nomination is minority—the more ethnic the better."

Among the "minority" nominees are black woman Janice Brown, Hispanic Emilio Garza, white woman Edith Jones, and Frank Easterbrook, who is balding. Also among the potential nominees is Bush favorite and current Attorney General Alberto "Seedy" Gonzales, conveniently Hispanic and yet more conservative than Lawrence Welk's underpants. Gonzales may be the favorite now for the seat, who would make a fearsome foursome with Bush's other Reichsjudges Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, and William Rehnquist.

With a Republican House and Senate, Democrats have few options to stop the appointment of a judge that could rollback decades of moderate or left-leaning decisions, especially with one of their only remaining tools, the filibuster, dubbed the "ballbuster" by local wit Ted Ted, under fire from the majority GOP.

The liberal opposition, however, had no potential nominees for the president to consider yet, but anyone who didn't carry a sidearm into the court would be a happy consideration at this point.

The baseball playoffs are over, ladies and gentlemen. The New York Yankees have lost again in pathetic and embarrassing fashion, and so yet another baseball season has fulfilled its purpose. Special thanks to Anaheim, Boston, Chicago and Cleveland for playing the other bit parts in this wonderful saga. Houston and St Louis? I suppose you can play the rest of your series if you want, but don't expect any TV cameras to show up at the park. Anaheim and Chicago? What, do you glory hogs want all the attention? Turn on your TVs, guys: the winner has already been decided. It's Not The Yankees. It's America, Greece and half of Finland. It's the human spirit, clean drinking water and sunshine. It's apple pie and bondage films. It's good.

So how did it happen this year, who slew the pinstriped dragon this time around? Not those plucky Red Sox, let me tell you that. No, they stumbled over their own helium-inflated bobbleheads and couldn't find their way out of the first round this year. Hell, they couldn't even find their way out of the clubhouse for Game 3, Chicago was declared the winner after an entire stadium waited two hours for the Red Sox to get done with their marathon tournament of Grand Theft Auto: Red Sox Nation Special Edition. But really, it was more than we ever really expected from this cavalcade of drunks and closet homos. Gotta love the Sox.

It wasn't the White Sox, either. Those ragamuffins won 99 games this season based solely on the element of surprise. They dyed their uniforms red during spring training and spent half the season fooling teams into thinking they were playing the Red Sox. Most of their opponents just gave up, figuring they didn't have the magic mojo to compete and they didn't want to risk having postseason-Jesus David Ortiz think they weren't cool.

Heck, it wasn't even Anaheim. Nothing against the Angels, they're scary like the bad part of L.A. I don't think anybody on that team even speaks English. The only two white guys left, Erstad and Kennedy, even look scared. They're both wondering where in the hell Disney went and who lowered the team bus.

Nope, it wasn't any of those teams. It was A-Rod.

A-Rod drove in as many runs in that series as I did, and I did it without looking like a dipshit on TV in flannel pajamas. I also did it without committing any fielding errors or repeating any Bull Durham clichés to bored television reporters.

The crowning moment in A-Rod's defeat of the Yankees came in the bottom of the ninth inning during the decisive game five against Anaheim. The whole season was on the line in that one at-bat and A-Rod sucked like Linda Lovelace on acid. He was the Bad News Bears, the whole team, all rolled up into one man-sized suckwad. He swung at a pitch my dead grandmother could have hit for a triple, but instead grounded into a double play so automatic the Angels' infielders weren't aware it had happened until it was over. During the play, shortstop Orlando Cabrera and second baseman Adam Kennedy never once broke stride in their conversation about why Cuban women suffer from such terrible gas, and first baseman Darin Erstad caught the ball in the middle of eating nachos.

A-Rod sucked so hard the guy sitting next to him on the bench lost his jock strap out through a toe-hole in his sock. A-Rod sucked so hard that barbers across the nation immediately retired his haircut, for fear of being associated with his godawfulness. A-Rod sucked so hard in that inning that it made his girly ball-slap from last year's ALCS look down right manly and heroic in comparison. After the game, A-Rod would admit that he played like a dog the entire series. Now my golden retriever is ashamed to leave the house.

Thanks, A-Rod.

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