You need a newer browser.

Smells like teen spirit, mixed with cat piss
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender




August 5, 2002
Click for Biography

Crapping Out Like a Vegas Fat Man

the commune's Stu Umbrage asks that you fly your pets at half mastiff in honor of Veterinarian's Day this year
The summertime is the number one time for partaking in America's favorite pastime: collecting mosquito larvae in the wild and using it to make homemade jam and preserves. With us today are two people who should need no introduction, mosquito breeding habit expert Dr. Lipton Cloff and homemaker to the stars, Nancy Van Hummelstein. Hey you two, was it you guys I saw pulling into the studio parking lot together in that red convertible with the Irish clogging music blasting?

NVH: You bet, Stu. We've been partying for three days and haven't slept in over a week.

DLC: That's right. And I'm high on some rancid larval peyote. Please excuse the condition of the green room.


Happens to the best of us, Lipton. Okay, folks, before we stra...Read more...

º Last Column: If Pigs Could Fly I'd Wear a Tin Sombrero
º more columns







Milestones
2003: The infamous "Battle of the Bulge" breaks out at when office wench Ivana Folger-Balzac mistakes Ramrod Hurley's beerbelly for a birthing alien larvae and sets into the Acting-Editor with a can opener. The skirmish and resultant standoff lasts 18 hours and claims the lives of several Crochet! magazine staffers, for whom the commune observes a moment of near-silence.
Now Hiring
Sexecutioner. Why does everybody keep laughing when we say that? We need a dude who can kill some fucking people in an official capacity, okay? What's so funny about that? You guys are sick. Anyway, pay commensurate to experience. Must provide own mask, axe, electric chair, whatever floats your boat.
Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now
1.Ted Ted's ulcer
2.Iraqi fireworks stand #5
3.Lousy gag candles
4.Old love letters/most of Colorado
5.Salsa music. No, seriously.
6.Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen
7.The sun. Pretty sure.
8.Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop
9.Dad?
10.You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants.
Last Issue