"At one time in my youth I was lucky enough to go on that game show, Twenty-One—that's the show famous for all the cheating, where they gave the contestants the answers. Well, Sampson L. Hartwig didn't get any answers, I'll tell you that much. It frosts my dumplings that somebody at that game show took one look at me and said, 'He's not returning winner material.' But I suppose it was a fun experience all the same.

I knew the game show was fixed as soon as I got into that booth. It was hot and smelled of fat man from the previous contestant. How was anybody supposed to remember the nickname of the motorcycle Patton rode to his promotion under these conditions? And yet that Charles Van Dorn knew everything without thinking twice about it. I called him a nasty word, and I think the soundproofing kept him from hearing it, but everybody in the first three rows could read my lips obviously enough, and I apologize to any of them who still remember that incident. You caught Mr. Hartwig on a bad day is all.

When it was over, I had done so poorly they didn't even air the episode. I received no consolation prize, unless you count a swift boot to the behind to get out quickly. And I do, I'm kind of an optimist. But by the time I got around to writing a thank-you note for the boot the story had blown wide-open that the show was being investigated.

That thank-you note quickly turned to a forget-you note, except I changed the 'forget' to something a little more offensive at the time. I sent that off with a sense of pride, never thinking I would hear anything back, but I did receive a response after a few years.

It said, basically, 'Mr. Hartwig: Please forgive us for the inexcusable crime of rigging the game show against you. In all forwardness, however, be honest with yourself and ask if any rigging was necessary for this particular episode. Think of all the time wasted making sure Charles Van Dorn had the answers memorized to provide the impression of a hard-fought battle, a show of tension for the American people, and you blew it all by not answering a single question right. If anything, you owe us a big pay-off.

I've never found it easy to argue with logic. So I sent out the first of many checks that afternoon. Fair's fair."

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