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Jewel Confesses Life-Long Battle with PretensionSinger, Dickensian poet waif reveals what all have long suspected November 26, 2001 |
Anchorage, AK Rick Hooger/AP Jewel, displaying trademark symptoms of pretension
"It's not something you want to admit, even to yourself," Jewel said in her calm, waterfall-like voice at a press conference Friday. "Your soul is kind, gentle, and without acclaim, and then tiny threads of a black spider wrap you up in pretension. It is a disease of the fiercest… uh… pony."Friends and confidants knew for years, yet kept her secret because they thought Jewel could handle it.
"The next thing I knew," said Bill Barber, a session player and friend, "she was on VH-1 against a white background reading snippets of poetry like she's a supermodel Maya Angelou. That's when I knew she had no control of the problem."
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oung musician and published author Jewel surprised few Friday when she revealed she's battled with pretension all her life.
"It's not something you want to admit, even to yourself," Jewel said in her calm, waterfall-like voice at a press conference Friday. "Your soul is kind, gentle, and without acclaim, and then tiny threads of a black spider wrap you up in pretension. It is a disease of the fiercest… uh… pony."Friends and confidants knew for years, yet kept her secret because they thought Jewel could handle it.
"The next thing I knew," said Bill Barber, a session player and friend, "she was on VH-1 against a white background reading snippets of poetry like she's a supermodel Maya Angelou. That's when I knew she had no control of the problem."
Even then, all were reluctant to speak up for fear of damaging her career or their own. An attempt at an intervention in March of 2000 disintegrated into a hootenanny and Native American bonfire ritual, and several members walked out nearly as pretentious as the one they came to help.
"Pretension is sometimes hereditary, but more often results from years of unearned attention festering, cultivating itself into the bacteria egous extremis," stated Dr. Simone Callow, Professor of Pretentious Studies at Columbia University. "Often through no fault of their own a victim can start out a perfectly healthy human being, and then before you know it they're taking themselves so seriously they're publishing their own autobiography, or accepting awards for ridiculously minimal accomplishments."
Pretension, though often confined to those with higher-income households without geographic boundary, is unfairly distributed throughout Hollywood and the New York art scene.
"There's no telling how many have it in Hollywood," Dr. Callow said. "When you pay people millions of dollars for doing virtually nothing, it makes for a breeding ground for pretension."
Jewel herself, recently releasing the new album This Way, has halted tour plans to check into the Martha Stewart Clinic For Pretension in Connecticut in hopes of treating her condition.
"A dark spot has begun to wander across my heart," she said with stilted, distant voice. "Until I corner this blemish, collect it in my cupped hands and whistle it away to the wind, I cannot share my gift with the world." the commune news regrets coming to this party dressed in the plaid bellbottoms. Lil Duncan is a senior correspondent for the commune and weighs in at a rough 'n' tumble 130 lbs.
 | American Media Can Shut Up About Harry Potter Any Time NowAmericans not living in caves get it already November 26, 2001 |
Hollywood, CA Mite Yarnmouth/AP Harry Potter, who most Americans hope will magically disappear for like five seconds.
Besieged by reports about the success of the hugely popular Harry Potter books by British author J.K. Rowling, the American public has recently been assaulted with constant unwanted information about the film Harry Potter and the Soceror's Stone, released Nov. 16, 2001 to monstrous audiences, making it one of the most successful movies of 2001.
"What are we, five?" said spokesperson for the American public Ralph Mackie.
"Yeah, okay, just shut up about the shit already, okay?" pleaded spokesperson Nancy Shumaker. "I know all ab...
pokespeople for the American media-consuming culture spoke Friday, sending out the word that we hear what you're saying about this Harry Potter phenomenon and the American media can lay off for a little while already.
Besieged by reports about the success of the hugely popular Harry Potter books by British author J.K. Rowling, the American public has recently been assaulted with constant unwanted information about the film Harry Potter and the Soceror's Stone, released Nov. 16, 2001 to monstrous audiences, making it one of the most successful movies of 2001.
"What are we, five?" said spokesperson for the American public Ralph Mackie.
"Yeah, okay, just shut up about the shit already, okay?" pleaded spokesperson Nancy Shumaker. "I know all about the movie and I don't give a rat's ass. I don't have any kids or nothing, what do you want me to do? Am I really supposed to care?"
Spokesperson John Umala empathized. "I just was starting to enjoy not hearing about friggin' Survivor every five seconds, then I'm blasted at every angle by terrorism. Can't I get a minute of peace without being slammed with over-hype on anything?"
When questioned about any possible chance of shutting the fuck up about it, executives at Warner Bros. declined to comment. No guarantees to stop talking about it for at least a minute were made.
The corporate-generated media hype is possibly the largest since 1999, when nearly every facet of the American media refused to give Star Wars: The Phantom Menace a rest, will you? the commune news really wants to hurt you, really wants to make you cry. Ted Ted is unable to stay dry-eyed through any episode of Little House on the Prairie, that Laura Ingalls was just so darling.
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 May 12, 2003 Volume 42Dear commune:
Well, she’s all you’d ever want, she’s the kind I’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. She always knows her place, she’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner. She’s a lady. Talking about Ivana Folger-Balzac here. I’ve heard all I need to, so when are you guys going to hook me up with her phone number? No fair keeping the gems all to yourselves, men of the commune. Don’t make me scale the walls of your fortress of isolation with my footstool of love, dudes. Time to share the wealth.
Sincerely,
Ronald Berkwitz
Shady Grove, CT
Dear Ronald:
Well, she’s a frigid ball-breaking bitch, an iron hook to scratch your itch, she’s a harpie. She’s a plague you’ll never shake, a ...
º Last Column: Volume 41
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Dear commune: Well, she’s all you’d ever want, she’s the kind I’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. She always knows her place, she’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner. She’s a lady. Talking about Ivana Folger-Balzac here. I’ve heard all I need to, so when are you guys going to hook me up with her phone number? No fair keeping the gems all to yourselves, men of the commune. Don’t make me scale the walls of your fortress of isolation with my footstool of love, dudes. Time to share the wealth. Sincerely, Ronald Berkwitz
Shady Grove, CT Dear Ronald:
Well, she’s a frigid ball-breaking bitch, an iron hook to scratch your itch, she’s a harpie. She’s a plague you’ll never shake, a turd baked in your birthday cake, she smells carpy. In addition we’d like to add that she’s a maneater. Still, we’re going to grant your wish and pass on that number Ronald, since we don’t like you and we’ll pull just about any low kind of shit to get rid of her by now. However we’re going to need you to sign a legal release of some sort, since we don’t want to be charged with manslaughter again. Talk about a way to ruin a perfectly good summer, jeez. So Ronald, in closing, we’d like to say good luck to you and start running now, you poor fucker.
the commune
Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for oh, I don’t know. Porcupines. Yeah, just try to pin that porcupine bullshit on us. We dare you.º Last Column: Volume 41º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Unless we're talking Gandhi, but what fun is it taking a cudgel to the nuts for your country? None, that's how much.”
-Gorgeous George SpattenFortune 500 CookiePrepare for a fantastic journey of whimsy and wonder, and it's going to cost you $20—don't forget you can't touch her. Your keys are always in the last place you left them, so try looking at the bottom of Lake Chappaquiddick. What's up grandma's ass? What a bitch. When this particular problem comes along, literally whipping it will only result in jail time. Lucky skin blemishes: blackhead, pockmark, knife wound, stigmata.
Try again later.Top 5 Bush Second-Term Pledges| 1. | Encourage nations to work with us again, under threat of violence | | 2. | Pay national deficit with Discover and Visa cards | | 3. | Appeal to black constituents by finally selling off "Amos & Andy" videos | | 4. | Build new wing of America so rich people can vacation more | | 5. | Two, maybe even three more inaugurations | |
|   President Claims He Feels "A Whole Lot Smartier" Lately BY roland mcshyster 12/23/2002 S'up, America? Roland McC here, bringing you the movie review love. Right, like you thought it was suddenly going to be Jules Verne or something. Not this week. This week, it's all about the pinnacle of the movie season, the two-week movie release orgy that comes at the end of every year. We take a look at the best of the best below, except for Chicago. I had a bad experience there once, so I'll be goddamned if I'm going to review their movie and give them free publicity. Everyone else, however, is on my good side. Drink in the glitz and have a Merry Christmas for me. On to the movies!
In Theaters
25th Hour
Another touching story of our educational system's failure to teach basic math...
S'up, America? Roland McC here, bringing you the movie review love. Right, like you thought it was suddenly going to be Jules Verne or something. Not this week. This week, it's all about the pinnacle of the movie season, the two-week movie release orgy that comes at the end of every year. We take a look at the best of the best below, except for Chicago. I had a bad experience there once, so I'll be goddamned if I'm going to review their movie and give them free publicity. Everyone else, however, is on my good side. Drink in the glitz and have a Merry Christmas for me. On to the movies!
In Theaters
25th Hour
Another touching story of our educational system's failure to teach basic math and number-counting skills to America's youth. Ed Norton is at the top of his skinny-moron form as the nincomboob who is constantly being smacked around by his hefty sidekick Ralph (played in fine pre-heart-explosion form by Philip Dustin Hoffman) when he makes reservations for 13 o'clock lunch or enrages a prostitute by asking if he can get change back from a five. While at times the comedy outweighs the drama, like when Ed makes a bar bet that he can suck off an entire football team, and then finds out how many guys there are on a football team, the film's deeper moments resonate and touch on important issues for counters and can't-counters alike.
Catch Me if You Can
I won't lie and pretend that I've ever not wished that Leo DiCaprio would get waxed by a floor buffer at the airport and put us out of our moviegoing misery, it's pretty much been a constant mantra for me over the last several years. At least since Critters 3. God, he ruined that whole movie. And then Hollywood had to go and rub him all in our faces with that whole Titanic fiasco. That set off a chain of events that led to the trailer for The Beach being played before every movie shown in America for six years, which about drove me out of my own ass. But all that being said, I have to admit that he's perfectly cast as Lucky the Leprechaun in this latest arc of Stephen Spielberg's personal spiral down into weird-movies-with-sappy-endings land. You might as well pass out the Oscar now because Leo IS Lucky the Leprechaun and he WILL mess you up if you get too close to his Lucky Charms. People can drool all they want about James Cagney staying in character for six months to shoot The Grinch, leading to the ruin of his social life, but DiCaprio has spent his entire life in character for this role. And I'll never look at a box of freeze-dried sugar clods in quite the same way again.
Gays of New York
The amazing success of last year's Lords of the Ring has led to a resurgence of interest in gay cinema that this country hasn't seen since Tootsie. While most of the resulting films have been of questionable quality and authenticity, like Arnold Schwarzenegger's Gay of the Jackal and Rutger Hauer's Gay Motorcycle Gunfight, a few gems have snuck through. Marvin Scorcese's Gays of New York is a gripping and hard-hitting drama about the long-forgotten 1970's riots between New York gays who loved disco and those who thought disco was tacky. Some lessons of history may be hard to look at, but for that very reason they should never be forgotten.
Lords of the Ring: The Out-of-Towners
Look, I know they say they planned this thing as a trilogy all along, but I started to doubt that the second I heard the second installment would feature Steve Martin boxing Goldie Hawn. For one thing, neither of them is gay at all. At least Steve Martin isn't. He's straight as tube socks with the stripes across the top. I don't know about Goldie. You can never be totally sure with women, they can seem totally straight forever and then one day you turn on the TV and bam! They're making out with Madonna. But whichever way her wind blows, this was an amazingly poor sequel to one of the greatest gay boxing movies ever. It's like they took the name, slapped it on a movie they were already making, and pretended it had something to do with the original, like Blair Witch 2 or Richard III. There's a load of hype over this one already, but I can't help but think that audiences are going to be hoppin' mad when Goldie goes home with Kurt Russell at the end.
Max
Look, you can call the guy with the little Hitler mustache Max or Hans or whatever you like, but every American born before 1980 is still going to recognize that the movie's about Hitler. Might as well get it out there in the open, up on the marquee even, call your movie something like Hitler Had a Little Dick and you might even win a Golden Globe. Which isn't much, I know, but you can trade them in for half-off a shrimp dinner at Sizzler these days, and that's pretty sweet. Anyway, Cusack is good as the anal little frau-beater, but I think his innate likeability worked against him in this role… they really needed somebody like James Woods or O.J. Simpson to give the audience a proper target for flung popcorn and the shouting of misinformed German stereotypes. Personally, I would have liked to see Robin Williams tackle the role, that would have made for some good insane fun, but he's probably still getting death threats from Patch Adams so I understand why he was unavailable.
That's that, my lovely American pies. The creamy cream of the crop. All that's left is to soak up the movie glory and ride that high as long as nature will allow. But remember, don't hit the Thunderbird too hard in your post-holiday-movie-season depression, because there's always next year. It may seem far off now, a minute speck on a distant horizon, but trust me, it'll be here faster than you can say "I'm wasting my life." See you in the new year, friends and neighbors.   |
