he International Olympics Committee announced Friday that the site of the 2006 Winter Olympics has already been chosen, and it will be Kabul, Afghanistan.

The Committee denies claims that political influence played a part in its decisions, but would not deny the possibility all Committee members were bribed handsomely.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair suggested it would be a major boon to the Afghanistan economy, as well as the spirits of its people.

"With this to look forward to, who wouldn't be excited and proud to rally behind its flag?" stated Blair. "In 2006 the world will turn its eyes toward Afghanistan, again, and this time it will be a good thing."

Afghanistan is a poor country in Asia with a population of approximately 21,900. Critics have suggested that Afghanistan is in no position to host the Winter Olympics of 2006, with a long history of civil turmoil, a weak economy that could not successfully sustain the expense of the Olympics, and lacking virtually any snow throughout the year.

"Once again the International Olympics Committee has stuck its foot in its collective mouth," said Marvin Kappel of the IOC watchdog group Oly-OxenFree. "They have allowed their decisions to be biased again for whatever reasons and are allowing a country without the proper requirements to host the Winter Olympics. Afghanistan currently has no sports teams and no ice rinks. I don't believe IOC claims they'll have a 50,000-seat stadium built by 2006. You don't make that kind of money selling goat cheese, barring some unforeseeable rise in the market value of goat cheese before 2006."

According to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck, Afghanistan is a country rich in culture and heritage. They have had many imports and exports in their many, many years as a country. The Russians once tried to invade Afghanistan and were unable to. The Russians have also previously tried to invade America, most notably in the movie Red Dawn. In closing, Afghanistan is a culture rich in heritage and culture.

The recently elected president of the International Olympics Committee Jacques Rogge was questioned by the commune in regards to the feasibility of Afghanistan hosting the Winter Olympics, but he angrily cursed us in French and threw a glass of wine into our faces.

Afghanistan interim leader Hamid Karzai spoke well of the decision.

"The IOC has done a great thing for this country and its people, and given us hope that we will move forward into the next century without delay," said Karzai. "We are excited to host the next Winter Olympics and will not engage in pointless arguments about snow and what constitutes proper accommodations. If they can make it snow on Jimmy Stewart in Pottersville, we can make this plentiful substance in Afghanistan as well."

ulp magazines of the '50s as well as sci-fi literature and movies by the dozens accurately predicted the future of entertainment when they envisioned a day when millions of Americans would watch battles to the death between robot opponents. Few, though, imagined it would be so boring and lame.

Television shows like Comedy Central's Battle Bots and similar specials and series from around the world are proving to be the unlikely source for futuristic robot death battles. Though many differ on some points, all prove to be astoundingly dull in the destruction of technologically-advanced killing machines.

"As a boy, I anticipated with fear and wonder the day robots would be used to entertain the masses," said M.I.T. Professor of Robotics Larry Karmen, "but yeah, I didn't really see it like this. I don't even know where to start."

The robots on Battle Bots are typically remote-controlled, less than two feet tall, and are equipped with standard woodshop equipment like saws, drills, and occasionally a blowtorch of some sort. Robot operators range from dateless thirteen-year-old child prodigies to 50-year-old dateless unemployed construction workers.

"I guess the names are cool," said robot enthusiast and publisher of Future Age magazine Don Hogarth. "You have names like 'The Revolver' and 'Fireblast,' real awesome Transformer-like names. And then the robot comes out and it's like a little George Foreman grill on wheels. And you get real annoyed as it just spins around while another robot named 'Mass Destruction' hits it with a hammer on the end of a miniature crane."

"The problem is obviously related to budget," stated Professor Karmen. "Comedy Central and the British TV program its Battle Bots was based on had the right idea, but a lousy budget. Basic cable is not capable of building the 20-foot-tall fire-breathing self-running destruction machines we originally envisioned for this kind of mayhem. Most kids operating out of their garage are not going to have the kind of funding to build a competitive robot on that level, and neither are their mothers. Unless all these millionaires who are spending money to fly around the world in balloons get their stuff together and start building city-crushing robots, I don't see much improvement on the battling robot front for many years to come."

When told of the dissenting opinion of robot battle sports, Comedy Central Battle Bots star Slaughterhouse became infuriated and began to smash up its dressing room with a hammer on a tiny crane arm.

Imagine my disappointment to be on the road, without access to my column, when all the news about SARS was thick in the air. There's nothing worse for a conspiracy theorist than to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without a soapbox when a new disease breaks out.

A lot of people were talking about the WHERE with SARS: Hong Kong, Singapore, Canada. But no one bothered asking WHY—well, obviously I did, but it didn't do me very much good in the Motel 6 off Hwy 29. The cleaning lady only spoke Russian, or was having a religious experience, either is a plausible answer.

Yes, Americans—always ask why? Why SARS? Why China? Why? Because we like you.

A lot of you will probably say that a new strain of flu is not surprising. You say continual adaptations in flu viruses happens all the time. You say in a country of however many-billion people the spread of a new strain of flu is reasonable to occur in such conditions. Well, quit saying that. You're stomping all over my reasoning.

The truth is, SARS is no accident, and it's no naturally-occurring flu. SARS is, frankly, a big fuck you to the Chinese, courtesy of the U.S. All courtesy of President Bush. No, not the second Iraq war Bush, the first one, the one who was elected.

President "Wimp" Bush, former head of the CIA, America's crippling virus factory. Give him credit for thinking of the future—when Clinton was busy planning a strategy for the 1992 election, Bush had already put the Gulf War behind him and was aiming for the 1997 return of Hong Kong to China. Nothing burns a presidential ass more than having to give up territory that rightfully belongs to them, so Bush wanted to make sure China got both barrels of Hong Kong when they got it. That's when they developed SARS in the CIA labs.

As military men know, SARS is code for "Served the Asshole Right, Sarge"—lingo for when a guy tries to sneak away from battle and steps on a landmine, or any sort of similar scenario when you can say the same phrase. Bush himself picked the name for the virus, that's how hands-on he was.

Things got bungled up when Clinton got into office, however, since he was always too busy scouting poontang to worry about all the little time-relevant traps the previous Bush had set up. Bush had even set up a plan to turn Bosnia into the world's biggest Wal-Mart, but Clinton spilled some Big Mac sauce on it and forever ruined the project.

So while Jackie Chan and Chow Yun-Fat were all getting the hell out of dodge in time for the "big Chinese handover," as I just phrased it, the SARS plan was lapsing dramatically. All the chemical agents were in place, they just hadn't been activated by magic button. Bush planned to have his predecessor in place to set off the disease, but hadn't planned on becoming immensely unpopular.

Then, late last year, with his alleged son in the White House, old Bush takes a break out from dog track betting to call up his boy and asks him to push the big green button under the desk—explaining any of the details would have confused the pseudo-president, as all of his aids have come to realize. But the junior Bush made the button go push-push and—bazoom!—China's got the fever for the flavor of surgical masks.

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