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 November 7, 2005 |
Washington, DC Whit Pistol Lewis "Scooter" Libby, who among other plans for his defense against the indictment is to plead hardship by the removal of his legs from the knee down.
Libby, called "Scooter" by his many enemies, is the first and likely only casualty of the under-covered story of a White House leak, in which the identity of a working CIA operative, conveniently the wife of Bush opponent Joseph Wilson. Wilson's wife Valerie Plame was outed as a spy by a conservative columnist, and his source was traced back to the White House. While liberals...
ne the most potentially controversial stories in recent years was successfully nipped in the bud by the Bush White House and its ever-faithful assistant, the national news media, as the ongoing story of former Cheney Chief of Staff Lewis Libby's indictment, the first of a sitting White House official in history, was relegated to page 3 by bored news directors and other major Republican-driven news stories. Libby, called "Scooter" by his many enemies, is the first and likely only casualty of the under-covered story of a White House leak, in which the identity of a working CIA operative, conveniently the wife of Bush opponent Joseph Wilson. Wilson's wife Valerie Plame was outed as a spy by a conservative columnist, and his source was traced back to the White House. While liberals hoped the 22-month investigation by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald would reveal the dirty tactic came from a source as high as presidential counselor Karl Rove, the most the Democrats could succeed with was a guy named Scooter. And the victory itself was short-lived. As soon as news of the Libby indictment, a potentially president-destroying story, was announced, the Cheney Chief of Staff resigned and the White House began its onslaught of less important announcements, starting with the retraction of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, the nomination of mini-Scalia Samuel Alito, and more news from the clusterfuck in the Middle East that is Iraq. To seal the deal and firmly erase the recent memory of criminal charges against White House staff, the president released a string of obscene and bizarre comments guaranteed to push the story off the page—covered elsewhere in this edition of the commune. Democrats and White House insiders alike were surprised by the effectiveness of the Bush administration's "Operation: Bury the Story." DNC strategist Michael Fallusmore: "Damn, but they did it good. We were a little busy basking in the glee of what should have been a catastrophe for the Bush-ites and GOP. Then we woke the next morning and couldn't find a trace of it anywhere. The news media were suddenly much more interested in the predictable choice of a conservative white guy for the Supreme Court. Real shockaroo there. But still, you have to give them credit for weaseling out of the unweaselable. I guess all we can do now is hope some reporter finds that dead hooker in Karl Rove's Toyota." An inside source at the White House, some Bush college buddy whose phone we tapped, agreed with the quick removal of the story. "I totally can't believe it worked," said the source, then giggled as he did a line of blow. "I suppose it would have been a hard uphill battle if all the major media outlets hadn't bought into the importance of these other routine stories and decided to shrug off the boring details of criminal and possibly treasonous behavior inside the walls of the highest pockets of U.S Government. What? Yeah, I'm completely wasted, so what? I always talk like that." The president did his part as leader of his party and platform to diminish the importance of the story to the news media and the American people, by dressing in ugly suits, appearing as unphotogenic as possible, and keeping his comments quite limited to make for lousy B-roll for the visually oriented media outlets. Bush responded Thursday to Libby's plea of not guilty to the charges. "Yep, yep," said the president, quickly shuffling off to a birthday party of a friend being held at a Washington, D.C. Chuck E. Cheese. the commune news has tried to minimize coverage of this story simply because we're very uncomfortable with any story that requires frequent use of the words "plug" and "leaks." Bad memories. Ramrod Hurley, hair king and News Editor, is no stranger to plugs himself. Tug on his beautiful mane of curls and you'll see what we mean.
 |  November 7, 2005 |
French protestors show off their Cirque du Soleil puppeteering skills during a bizarrely festive riot last week in Paris
“Those incorrigible police buffoons know nothing of fine chocolate!” said impassioned teenage rioter Jean Touloc, only in French.
The urbane French police were overwhelmed almost before the rioting even began, requiring the French Army to be brought in last week. The army surrendered four hours later, and plans were being drawn up for a transitional government when some joker switched out the treaty...
urious French protestors continued to riot over the weekend, gently overturning traffic cones and unleashing salvos of pithy wit at assembled riot police across some of the roughest neighborhoods in all of Paris. The riots began the previous week in the Seine-Saint-Denis suburb northeast of Paris, sparked by what officials believe was a disagreement over food.
“Those incorrigible police buffoons know nothing of fine chocolate!” said impassioned teenage rioter Jean Touloc, only in French.
The urbane French police were overwhelmed almost before the rioting even began, requiring the French Army to be brought in last week. The army surrendered four hours later, and plans were being drawn up for a transitional government when some joker switched out the treaty-signing pen with a novelty model that laughs electronically when you try to write with it. The rioters, perhaps correctly believing that they were not being taken seriously, stepped up their boisterous chants of “We beg to differ!” and their disorderly milling-about.
The riots reportedly got out of hand on Saturday, when protestors began hurling water balloons in the general direction of riot police. French officials, however, claim that the reality wasn’t as bad as these reports imply, since the balloons were actually filled with a very pleasant brand of spring water flavored with a spritz of lemon.
Police attempted to crack down on the rioting Sunday, bringing out a top-secret book of salacious insults on loan from the French armed forces. The crowds were clearly humiliated by these witty rejoinders, but in response began a menacing chant that translates as “You are wrong, we are right, let’s not argue, let’s not fight,” which spread like wildfire all across the Parisian suburbs.
Within hours, however, the chanting had escalated to the inflammatory “You’re not right, we’re not wrong, won’t you come and sing along?” and French officials were considering turning to the UN for help, the nation’s domestic situation cart-wheeling dangerously out of control.
In a last-ditch effort to salvage the French state, president Jacques Chirac went on national television late Sunday night to beg for an end to the verbal violence, acceding to the protestors’ demands and stunning the nation by admitting that yes, perhaps there are some varieties of milk chocolate that are not entirely without their charms, reversing the government’s decades-old hard line stance.
The immediate reaction to Chirac’s broadcast was a positive one, with riot officials quickly retracting a statement made my one rioter hours earlier that the hats worn by the police were neither tasteful nor well-made.
“Really, there’s rioting, and then there’s going too far,” explained riot Treasurer Philippe LaRoc. “And those hat remarks were really full-well out of line. Let’s bring this all to a close before someone says something they’re really going to regret later.” the commune news loves a good riot just as much as the next news organization, but we’re particularly proud of last year’s “Quiet Riot,” when we snuck into Crochet!’s headquarters on their lunch break and silently went all apeshit on the place. Ivan Nacutchacokov found the eye of the storm as usual in his coverage of this story, suffering the riot’s only physical injury when he attempted to write down a snarky remark on his hand for later use, and ended up with ink poisoning and a feather quill laceration to the hand.
|  Big Ratings Prompts ABC to Seek More Dancing Handicapped Shows  Mohammed Confesses to 9/11 Attacks, "Falling Down A Lot" During Interrogations  Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race  Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to "Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque" |
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 February 5, 2007 Eighth is EnoughIt's been a long time since my work has seen the light of day. I managed to salvage the remains of this column from some of my old notes. Thank God I no longer carve my notes right into my skin, as skin deteriorates even faster than old celluloid porno films.
I finally got around to reading that book I bought last year. The experience was much more enjoyable than I'd been told it would be. I hate to ruin the book for anyone who hasn't read it, but it really was a shock to find out the tiger was a toy the whole time. That's right—the filthy little brat was lying to the reader the whole time. In the end, I liked it, but it does leave me dubious about reading that book I've been eyeing with the bald kid and his plane-flying dog.
If you could play any instrument in the...
º Last Column: Seventh Heaven
º more columns
It's been a long time since my work has seen the light of day. I managed to salvage the remains of this column from some of my old notes. Thank God I no longer carve my notes right into my skin, as skin deteriorates even faster than old celluloid porno films. I finally got around to reading that book I bought last year. The experience was much more enjoyable than I'd been told it would be. I hate to ruin the book for anyone who hasn't read it, but it really was a shock to find out the tiger was a toy the whole time. That's right—the filthy little brat was lying to the reader the whole time. In the end, I liked it, but it does leave me dubious about reading that book I've been eyeing with the bald kid and his plane-flying dog. If you could play any instrument in the world like a master, which instrument would you play? I would lay high odds you didn't say steel drum just now. But someone out there must be saying it. I don't see where all the steel drummers are coming from. Where's that fourth Lord of the Rings movie we were promised? Let that be a lesson, Hollywood: Big-budget epics with funny characters and incredible special effects just aren't the American audience's cup of tea. They say as many as 60% of the country's citizens are downloading movies illegally from the internet. Well, I'm not one of them, I assure you. Computers only want you to use them so they can fingerprint you and eventually replace you, and I'll have no part of that. No matter how tempting it is to see that Borat film without paying for it. I just found out today that Cheez-Its are, in fact, cheese crackers, not tiny squares of real cheddar cheese put through some sort of ancient process to petrify them. Months of my life wasted on misapplied research! It's the Apple Jacks year all over again. Quit ending all your letters with that "Yours Truly" bullshit. You know you're not mine and if you keep pulling crap like that, you never will be. Have you noticed heating ducts are never as big in real buildings as they are in movie buildings? I can't help but think it's a terrorist's dream. Any self-respecting undercover cop goes to hide in one, can't fit, and blam! Osama wins. I hope you people at the Small Duct Ltd. company are real fucking happy now. You absolutely cannot fit a fully stretched-out body in most freezers. I wonder if the freezer manufacturers even considered this demographic when they designed the darned things. We're not all murderers, you know. Some of us are respected members of the work force who simply don't have time to run a found dead body down to the morgue at the drop of a hat. Hum any song to yourself right now. Go ahead. I'll bet you one thousand dollars it's the theme to "Mr. Belvedere." And if it's not, I dare you to go ahead and prove it. You'll never get money out of me, stranger. I've never seen a professional baseball player catch a ball in his mouth. What exactly are we paying these guys for? I can see any Sam Dandy anywhere catch a ball with his hands. I would say the sixth best thing about being in a wheelchair is you don't fall when you walk on ice. Sure, you might slide a little bit, but chances are you're not going to land on your back. And of course, the seventh best thing is you don't bump your head on low doorways. You can probably figure the rest out yourself. The next time you see a large glass window, jump through. You only live once, and glass just thinks it's so great. No more today. My wastebasket is empty and the skin has all flaked away so I can't read my old notes. º Last Column: Seventh Heavenº more columns | 
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Milestones1990: Red Bagel's dark vision of the future presented in lecture form at a local college predicts a war in Iraq, though he incorrectly predicts the date as 2002. Unless… well, we'll wait and see, won't we?Now HiringBartender. Mix all variety of drinks, serve beers with a quick smile and friendly expression. Listening a must, flipping bottles and spinning like in Cocktail a plus. Must know when to cut off Ramrod Hurley—immediately—and when to cut off Red Bagel—never, if you like your job.Least Successful David Bowie Incarnations| 1. | Wacky Far-Out Space Nut | | 2. | Lithe, Quirky, Effeminate Heterosexual | | 3. | Gold-Suited Game Show Host Mutt Smalley | | 4. | Evil Twin Brother Donald Bowie | | 5. | Lou Bega | |
|   Senator Wins Lottery, Quits "Shitty Job" BY roland mcshyster 3/27/2006 Â 2
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    6 Oscarama!
What's that smell, America? Why, that's Oscar Fever in the air, and yes, it smells a lot like Kenny Roger's Roasters. It's Oscar Season, pure and simple, and as the big night approaches, we should take a moment to root through the nominees, digging for picks to stick and chick flicks to kick. So without further adieu, let's strap on the hip waders and get down to business!
Best Picture Brokeback Mountin'
Gay, you have a new name, and it's… not co...
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    6 Oscarama! What's that smell, America? Why, that's Oscar Fever in the air, and yes, it smells a lot like Kenny Roger's Roasters. It's Oscar Season, pure and simple, and as the big night approaches, we should take a moment to root through the nominees, digging for picks to stick and chick flicks to kick. So without further adieu, let's strap on the hip waders and get down to business! Best Picture Brokeback Mountin'Gay, you have a new name, and it's… not coming to me right now. White guy, kind of good looking. Plays a gay guy in— nevermind. While this one will surely win the gay vote in Hollywood, look for staunch resistance from Hollywood's teaming hoards of fundamentalist Christians. Should be a close one, as "Battles of Civilizations" go. CarpartThis moving biopic about the squeaky-voiced guy who did the voice for my personal-favorite muppet, Carpart, moved viewers and massive quantities of popcorn, so look for it to get strong support from the popcorn lobby, a powerful ally come Oscar time. CrashWhile undoubtably the best Dave Matthews video ever, Hollywood insiders have a hard time taking a four- minute film seriously as a Best Picture contender. And the complete snub of Dave Matthews in the Best Actor category doesn't bode well for this one's chances. Look for it to lock in the frat vote regardless. Good Night,
and Fuck OffThe man who was born to be Batman, George "Rosemary's Baby" Clooney, thrilled us once again with this moving tale of the rudest AT&T operator to ever wear the smock. Did you know those guys wore smocks? Neither did I, before this movie. Sometimes they did sound kind of smocked-up when I'd call, but I always chalked it up to a bad connection on my end, since I used to keep my phone in the freezer when not in use, to help preserve freshness. Anyway… MunchSure to lock in the art-freak vote, Marilyn Manson's turn as that freaky screaming guy on the bridge brought a lot of attention to this little film about the Norwegian painter who was terrified of cloaked dudes with butcher knives taunting him over the phone. The film's real triumph was lending gravitas to a character crazy enough to be terrified of a scenario involving a device that wouldn't be invented for several more decades. If the academy doesn't go gay this year, this film could take home the little chiseled naked guy. Best Actor Philip Dustin Hoffman
CarpartI don't know how many hours of old Sesame Streets he had to watch to get the voice right, but PDH has done it again, greasing up the screen with his inimitably slouchy appearance. Seriously, if the next Tenacious D album incorporates Muppet-like backing vocals, I'll know their long-lost third member has finally bellied up to the band. Terrence Howard
Bustle & FloatProving once again that it ain't over until the fat lady sings an Annie Lennox song, Terrence Howard, better known as Moe from the old Three Stooges shorts, came out of retirement this year and bitch-slapped his way back into our hearts. I'd call him the front-runner for the award even if he wasn't, because I don't want to get my nose twisted in a wrench. Heath Ledgbar
Brokeback Mountin'That's right, I knew his name sounded like a candy bar I don't like. But to my embarrassment I've been calling him Baby Ruth all week. Ledgbar and his fellow screen pirate Skor Gylllenhaall, steamed up gay drive-ins across the country with their startlingly believable portrayal of two straight guys pretending to be gay and cowboys. Considering Ledgbar's redneck background, this was especially impressive, because he likely had to kick his own ass every day at the end of filming. Youaqueen Phoenix
Wok the LimeBringing country superstar Johnny Cash's bizarre mid-career period spent as a troubled Asian cooking show host couldn't have been easy, but it had to have been a cakewalk compared to growing up as a man with a first name like You-a-queen, and Phoenix knocks this one out of the park. David Straighthair
Good Night, and Fuck OffDon't know who he is, don't know where he came from, but he can be rude to me on the phone any time. 'Nuff said. Best Actress Judi Dench
Mrs. Harry and the HendersonsDidn't see it, smelt it, and that was enough. Good night and fuck off. Charlie's Theron
North CountryThat Ugandan supermodel with the weirdly-possessive first name stuns the easily- stunned glitterati of Hollywood yet again with her amazing transfor- mation into Oliver North, in this well-starched biopic yawner. Kudos to her, and I can't wait to see her upcoming turn as Grimace in the currently-filming McDonaldland movie. Let's hope she takes a break from filming that one to show up at the Oscars, in character! Akira Nightly
Pride & PrejuiceThanks for the traditional gag name nominee, Academy! I'll get back to you as soon as I get the gag. Felicity Huffman
TransamericairlinesThat black chick from the WB show nobody every watched finally gets her shot at the big screen, in a movie nobody watched, either, but they had to nominate her in case she was great. Simple enough. Reese Witherspieces
Wok the LimeIllegally Blonde star Reese Witherspieces rocks the cazbah with her thrilling turn as Johnny Cash's loyal wife Whatserpieces, nailing the role right down to her pitch-perfect Asian accent and hilarious "Me so haaawwwny!" catch phrase. Oscar, your new name is Whatserpieces! Second-Best Actor George Clooney
Silly AnnaThe 'cloon was busy this year, writing, directing, acting, and throwing telephones at the help, but some have argued he was nowhere better than in his make-up heavy role as Anna Nichole Smith's 700-year-old millionaire husband, an oil tycoon obsessed with the age-defying nutritive properties of breast milk. I've seen the movie twice (and some parts more than that) and can say with a blasé confidence that he's got the SBA Oscar wrapped up like a deli sandwich to go. William Hurt
A History of ViolenceNow there's a gag nominee I can get behind! Second-Best Actress Michelle Williams
Brokeback Mountin'There was a chick in this movie? Freaky. Whoever she was gets an Oscar automatically in my book, though they might want to piggyback some kind of make-up award onto this one as well, to be fair. And that's about all we've got time to cover this week, America. There will surely be some other minor awards, for writing, directing, and catering, but I think we've hit all the biggies. And I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see who takes home the nudie! See you there, in the sense that I'll be watching it on TV and you'll be watching it on TV, too, so in some strange way I'll be seeing you through some kind of Matrix cross- networked brain-mesh wave thing. I don't pretend to understand the science of this. Un   |
