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Elvis News for Some ReasonDull news week leads to resurgence of coverage of the King August 19, 2002 |
New York, NY Red Bagel Weather Balloon Either some King fanatic's lawn or the most peculiar crop circle yet.
Presley, the king of rock and roll, died August 16, 1977, which is news thanks to the lack of real stories this week as fans and the media celebrate the 25th anniversary of his death. Born in Tupelo, Mississippi, Presley was the first attractive white person to bring rock and roll to the nation, and obtained the title "king of rock and roll" in some undisclosed media ceremony.
"Elvis touched everyone," said an unidentified modern rock star pretending to be in touch with music history. "He was the one and only. There will never be another like him."
Fans flocked in ...
he major news media again claimed victory over the world itself by creating news from nothing. The so-called story this week revolved around a 25-year-dead white boy named Elvis Presley.
Presley, the king of rock and roll, died August 16, 1977, which is news thanks to the lack of real stories this week as fans and the media celebrate the 25th anniversary of his death. Born in Tupelo, Mississippi, Presley was the first attractive white person to bring rock and roll to the nation, and obtained the title "king of rock and roll" in some undisclosed media ceremony.
"Elvis touched everyone," said an unidentified modern rock star pretending to be in touch with music history. "He was the one and only. There will never be another like him."
Fans flocked in presumably record numbers to Graceland to see the place where Elvis lived in strange, hermit-like seclusion until his death on the toilet. Presley was extremely popular in his lifetime, though that popularity peaked and waned over the years, ultimately leaving him most popular after his death.
"This here's Elvis week," proclaimed a Los Angeles classic rock station disc jockey named Danger Bob. "Celebrating the king of rock and roll by playing 'Hound Dog' every hour on the hour. Elvis was one of a kind, he invented it all. There will never be another like him."
His legacy in rock and roll already firmly established, Presley added another accomplishment to his resume this week, as he helped provide filler for news programs, networks, and magazines all across the nation, despite being dead for a quarter of a century.
The face and name of Elvis Presley have graced the covers of magazines, news footage, and news websites, as if some new event had occurred to warrant his coverage. CNN has been airing specials covering the history and influence of the King, Time named Elvis their Person of the Week, and VH-1 has even been playing Elvis videos during the rare hours they play videos.
"The news media owes Elvis a ton of thanks. He's saved our hash from the fire once again," said CNN correspondent Muffy St. Clair. "The president's on vacation and unable to supply us with the usual amount of ignorant quotes. The War on Terror sure hasn't gotten any more interesting—nobody knows where Osama bin Laden is or if he's even alive. Hell, even the celebrities are boring this week. What's new? Anna Nicole Simpson? Puh-lease. A dead Elvis is more interesting than an alive her any day."
While the media has been working overtime to bring Elvis back to national attention, the public at large is invariably unchanged.
"Elvis?" said man on the street Carl Ginser. "Yeah, I like some of his stuff. That 'Suspicious Minds' song is kick-ass. I think the Fine Young Cannibals did a cover of that or something. Oh, and he would, like, raise his lip and snarl. And he always left the building and some guy would announce it, I think. I'm not sure why he's on the news so much lately, though. He's still dead, isn't he? Not a zombie or nothing?"
This reporter, for one, is thoroughly convinced he is. However, until Red Bagel agrees to spring for the plane ticket to Memphis and a shovel, we'll never know for sure. But whether he actually breathes or lies very quiet in his grave, thanks to all the needless media sensationalism, Elvis is still alive today in some way. the commune news is sorry for stepping on your blue suede shoes, but c'mon, your feet are like size 19. Ramon Nootles is a commune correspondent and trashes the office like a rock star every Friday at 4:59 p.m.
 | Studios to Replace Feature Films with Trailers August 19, 2002 |
Hollywood CA Junior Bacon You’d better eat that popcorn fast, chubby
According to the studio heads, movie trailers will now replace full-length feature films in American theaters. Trailers, the previews for upcoming films that until now were shown for free preceding the main feature, have grown over the last ten years from one minute in leng...
he heads of MGM Studios, Paramount Pictures, Columbia Pictures, Sony Pictures Entertainment, Time Warner Entertainment, Disney Enterprises, and Universal City Studios called a press conference today to announce a dramatic restructuring of the way movies will be released and promoted in America. The announcement was the final step in a ten-year plan designed to cope with Americans’ shrinking attention spans and the prevalence of Attention Deficit Disorder among American teens, who drive the movie industry. According to the studio heads, movie trailers will now replace full-length feature films in American theaters. Trailers, the previews for upcoming films that until now were shown for free preceding the main feature, have grown over the last ten years from one minute in length to the four to five minutes of today. While trailers once served to whet an audience’s appetite for a film with only a slight tease of what was to come, they had been gradually expanded over the years to tell the film’s entire story in capsule form. Purists criticized the dumbing-down of the medium and the spoiling of surprises, thought to be the handiwork of inept studio execs. But today’s announcement revealed it to be part of a larger master plan, with major studios gradually weaning film-going America off of the old system both by making the trailers complete experiences in and of themselves, and making modern feature films so unbearably long that watching only the trailer instead would seem like a reasonable alternative. “This is the completion of a logical progression,” stated Columbia Pictures head Amy Pascal. “For years we’ve been faced with the problem of how to deliver an audience their favorite stars doing the things that made them famous, without all of this plot and writing getting in the way, and without taking up so much of a movie theater’s valuable time. Now we can get the seats filled, get the stars up there on the screen for a few quick one-liners and an explosion, some T&A, whatever, and a few minutes later they’re out the door, buying tie-in key chains and hats and what have you. Filmgoers interested in a more immersive movie experience will still be able to watch the entire film in the Deleted Scenes section among the Special Features on the DVD release. It’s perfect.” “It used to be, you see the trailer, you get hooked, you go see the movie,” continued Pascal. “If for some reason the movie leaves you wanting more, you go buy the book. Way, way too much work. Now, you eat the sandwich, you get hooked, you go see the trailer. If you still want more, you can watch the whole movie on the DVD, if you’ve got that kind of time. So watching the movie is like what reading the book used to be. I suppose you could still read the book after that, which is the equivalent of what used to be having written the movie yourself, but we prefer if you just start over and buy the sandwich again. Or ride the ride.” Studios are currently in debates over what to call the new, three-minute long versions of the films, since Americans may still be resistant to shelling out eight bucks to watch anything called a “trailer.” Among the front-runners are “The Ritalin Cut” and “The Director’s Bad-Assed Niece’s Cut.” Others prefer renaming the full cut of the movie “The Marathon Cut” while giving the 3-minute version an appealing tag like “The Buzz Cut” or “Flavor-Blasted.” Still others argue in favor of Reader’s Digest magazine’s offer to sponsor all new films as “Reader’s Digest Condensed Classics,” though some think that a title like “Reader’s Digest Condensed Classics Presents Adam Sandler in The Hockey-Loving Retard” will lose teens who forget what they’re doing before they get done reading the title. the commune news has liked pretty much every movie ever made, except for Good Burger. Ivana Folger-Balzac has been tougher to get out of Ivan Nacutchacokov’s life than a deer tick from a Yorkie’s ass, but the staff has become endeared with her and her charming near-constant stream of vitriol.
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 September 15, 2003 Volume 51Dear commune:
Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right? Surely you have some heart-warming, Oprah-like stories of adversity overcome and heroism in the face of terror, right? Do tell!
Norah Sierra
Albuquerque, NM
Dear Norah:
Thankfully for the sake of our non-shattered spleens, the commune offices are actually located in "New York" in name only. We do have a NYC postmark, but in fact, we’re so far out in the urban sticks we get a New Jersey phonebook, which is a pain in the ass because Jersey has no good Thai food. It’s like living among...
º Last Column: Volume 50
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Dear commune: Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right? Surely you have some heart-warming, Oprah-like stories of adversity overcome and heroism in the face of terror, right? Do tell! Norah Sierra
Albuquerque, NMDear Norah:
Thankfully for the sake of our non-shattered spleens, the commune offices are actually located in "New York" in name only. We do have a NYC postmark, but in fact, we’re so far out in the urban sticks we get a New Jersey phonebook, which is a pain in the ass because Jersey has no good Thai food. It’s like living among the islanders or something; we half expect to get a pig’s head in a box when we order take-out. However, don’t let this fact fool you into thinking we weren’t effected by the terrorist attacks, as none of our favorite soap operas or game shows aired at all that day. And it’s like the man said, once we can’t watch some overweight Midwestern housewife spin some huge novelty wheel to win a case of AAA batteries, the terrorists have already won. A truly sad day. Thanks for your letter.
the commune
Dear commune: Quick, settle a bet between my wife and I. If something is really great, do you say its "the bee’s knees" or "the beef’s nuts"? Stupid bitch actually thinks bees have knees! Ron Lanteri
Deer Entry, NYDear Ron:
Actually, either is acceptable in casual conversation. However in the future, after your wife divorces you, remember that saying a girl looks like "the beef’s nuts" is unlikely to get her into your car. Knock ’em dead, tiger.
the commune
Dear commune: How come the commune never runs multiple letters in the Letters to the Editor section anymore? It used to be you could count on at least three letters per issue, sometimes more if I hadn’t read the previous week’s issue before. But now it’s only one, one stinking rotten lousy stupid letter per stinking rotten lousy stupid issue. I can only imagine it leads to even fewer voices that need hearing being heard. And that’s the problem with America these days, when only the "official" word gets out, from "official" news stories to "official" letters to the editor. I was really looking forward to reading future chapters of the Hobobeater’s manifesto, for example, but did they run? No they didn’t, and all so some primadonna could bitch about Donettes. Now how am I supposed to carry out my copycat beatings of destitute rodeo clowns? Thanks a lot commune, screw you and your big yellow bird mascot. p.s. I won’t go to jail, I’m insainnocent! Schekyl Bombase
Tulaine, ORDear Schekyl:
Thanks for your letter, but we’re afraid we here at the commune don’t know what you’re on about. We’ve been running this feature in the three-letter format for years now, and proudly so. And any suggestion to the contrary might raise a stink and cost us our jobs, get it? So itquay the Tonupay Inclairsay ullshitbay, kayoay?
the commune
Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the collapse of your campaign for the California governorship. After a long, hard look in the mirror we think you’ll realize you only have yourself, and various members of the cast of Predator, to blame.º Last Column: Volume 50º more columns | 
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Milestones2002: Office prick and former Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley successfully turns 30, leading us on an endless week-long binge of bitching, moaning, and strange acts of vandalism we hope not to repeat this year.Now HiringBig Fat Patsy. 'Cause we're not taking the rap for this, see. We must look like a real all-day sucker to you, yeah, a sucker, with a big fat wrapper. Boy, should we have seen it coming! Played like a two-bit piano from day one. Backstabbing dames need not apply.Top Oprah Book Club Rejections| 1. | The Venomous Black Bitch by Phil Donahue | | 2. | Fried Pork Cracklin's in Butter by Flanny Fragg | | 3. | The Happy and Compliant Slave by Newt Whiteny | | 4. | How Stella Left Her Groove Under the Seat on the Plane Ride Back by Terry McMillan | | 5. | Fight Club by Jerry Springer | |
|   Coke to Introduce New Pepsi-Flavored Coke  BY roland mcshyster 7/7/2003 All right, America, who's hungry for a movie? And I don't mean just a "popcorn" movie, as the saying goes, I'm talking a juicy, full-bodied meal of a movie. One that if you watched it every day, in ten years you'd shit out a strange, grayish thing that used to be your liver. A real movie. You are? Me too. Let me know if you find one.
All I've got here to offer this week is Hollywood's latest batch of "films," waiting to crap up your brain stem like arterial plaque. Will they do the job, numbing your barely-firing synapses to the pain of a life who's only success thus far as been contributing to already alarming obesity statistics and supersizing your prostate? I suppose, but don't blame Roland if your brain dies like a shark that stopped moving.
All right, America, who's hungry for a movie? And I don't mean just a "popcorn" movie, as the saying goes, I'm talking a juicy, full-bodied meal of a movie. One that if you watched it every day, in ten years you'd shit out a strange, grayish thing that used to be your liver. A real movie. You are? Me too. Let me know if you find one.
All I've got here to offer this week is Hollywood's latest batch of "films," waiting to crap up your brain stem like arterial plaque. Will they do the job, numbing your barely-firing synapses to the pain of a life who's only success thus far as been contributing to already alarming obesity statistics and supersizing your prostate? I suppose, but don't blame Roland if your brain dies like a shark that stopped moving.
In Theaters
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Sean Connery and a bunch of guys you wouldn't pay to wash your car play a ragtag assortment of comic book geeks and gaming nerds who are called upon to use their skills of denial, make-believe and lack of social acumen to save the world from a villain you won't understand if you've ever had sex or paid your own rent. While it is kind of fun to watch a bunch of nitwits pretend they're mostly fictional historical figures (and I'm talking about the characters here, though I suppose the same could be said about the actors themselves), seeing this movie is a high-risk proposition since unless you can convince people at the theater that you were actually coming out of Charlie's Angels 2 or some other breast-fest, the association alone may brand you permanently undateable.
Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde
Making a sequel to Bob Dylan's greatest album is a fool's gamble, but attempting to make that hypothetical sequel as a film is where that crackpot idea rubs up against genius. Luke Wilson and Reese Witherspoon finally pretty-face their way into the roles they were born to play, transforming themselves into Bob Dylan and Joan Baez for this gripping political musical. Wilson pulls off an uncanny impersonation of Dylan's dying Muppet singing voice and Witherspoon is smart to re-imagine Baez as a perky blonde who's more fun than anyone remembers the actual Baez being. Is it art? Hell no, but who sent you over here looking for art? Joke's on you, Poindexter.
Pirates of the Caribbean The Ride The Movie:
The Curse of the Black Pearl Harbor
Man, talk about a movie title that's tough to shoehorn into a request for a date. You're better off just taking her to the dog track. As for the movie itself, it's pretty much the same as the ride. You get a little wet and laugh at people getting raped and pillaged, and there's a funny dog. The problem is that the ride is only 20 minutes long, so the last hour and 40 minutes of the film are a bizarre revisionist vision of history where the Japanese bomb Detroit but are defeated by Cuba Gooding Jr. and the Shirelles, then are doomed to an eternity of karaoke-singing Motown hits badly as punishment. Sometimes it feels like you're watching a whole other movie, though they did throw in a few swashbuckling, cell-phone waving Japanese pirates here and there for continuity's sake. Every once in a while I think you just have to blame a movie on bad seafood.
Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Sequel
Brad Pitt reprises his role from the dwarf-themed slasher hit Seven for the inevitable sequel, this time struggling with his good-lookingness while trying to track down grandma-eating stand up comedian Sinbad. In this go-around, Catherine Zeta-Jones plays Pitt's constantly PMSing partner who has to be told not to be so macho all the time, and Michelle Pfeiffer reprises the Paltrow role as a head in a box. Some scoffed I'm sure, but I thought the choice of Sinbad as the villain was an inspired one. Anyone who's sat through Housesitter knows Sinbad's way scarier than Kevin Spacey, or even Spacey carrying around Anthony Hopkins in an infant huggie.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Meatheads
Only a barely-articulate robot played by barely-articulate Austrian muscledick Arnold Schwartzeneggar can save John Conner from a sub-literate gang of sent-from-the-future bodybuilders intent on kicking sand in Conner's face and stealing his girl. While the high-school bully theme and surf-guitar soundtrack might seem like an incongruous departure from the previous two films, it actually breathes new life into a series that was getting tired. After all, you can only fart around with the concept so long before the audience starts wondering why the machines didn't just send one of those unstoppable killer Terminators way back in time to kill Sarah Connor's great great grandma while she was making iced tea or something, before they had helicopters and one-handed cocking shotguns and exciting shit to get in the way. I'm sure if they went back far enough they could have found some slow-running ancestor who would've been easy enough to Ginsu, preventing the need for all these sequels.
And that's the way we were, America. Was it good? No, but it was on time, and that's all that matters in Europe. Join us next week when we see if the titles of the new releases spell anything funny in anagram form.    |
