t's been a good year to be NetFlix. The online DVD-renting and video-streaming service has continually posted increases in profits each previous fiscal quarter, sometimes gains as much as 88%. Despite claims that increasing postage prices and the difficulty of obtaining streaming content may hinder future profit reporting, NetFlix continues to make big money while offering less to subscribers than in previous plans. The announcement of higher-priced plans, the separation of DVD rental/streaming packages, and setting limitations on streaming devices have all been designed to offset any future losses and increase profits, but today NetFlix CEO Reed Hastings announced it wasn't enough, and has made a bold proposal to raise subscription prices on people who use neither service.

"NetFlix is facing a struggle in the future, to continue to bring high-quality entertainment to our loyal subscribers, those who rent traditional formats by mail or watch via our state-of-the-art streaming service, we need to increase our income," Hastings announced from his undisclosed location in the NetFlix bunker in California. "I see no reason to further burden our faithful customers with the costs. Which is why I am enacting a daring new plan to increase subscription costs to those who do not subscribe to us."

Under the new NetFlix plan, subscribers to the DVD-rental service will pay $7.99 for 1 DVD at a time and $11.99 for 2, while the unlimited streaming-only plan stands at $7.99, and those who choose not to watch movies in either format from NetFlix only pay $2.99.

"At long last, starting in November, NetFlix is bringing the thrilling experience of a recurring NetFlix charge that our subscribers have long enjoyed to all those who have not yet become NetFlix customers," said Hastings.

Response has been mixed from non-customers and consumer watchdogs alike. Nell Farthingford, a spokesperson for the consumer advocacy group Wait/What, said of the new NetFlix price increases, "Wait? What?"

Farthingford clarified why consumer advocates like her are concerned about the new plan.

"I'm not math expert, but it does sound a lot like people who don't receive any service from the company are being forced to pay them for nothing." Farthingford did concede, "However, if I'm already paying them $2.99, it's only another five dollars to get unlimited streaming content on my PS3, X-Box, Wii, iPhone, iPad, or NetFlix-ready device. That's not a bad deal."

Outrage swelled around the internet on message boards, where outrage is born and nurtured, with some people complaining that the media company is exploiting those who do not patronize them to increase their already-large profits. Following price increases in November 2010 and June 2010 on people who actually watched movies, tempers run high for those who are unhappy with NetFlix. As always, though, a few responders could see the business sense of the deal.

"It's only a three dollar increase from what you were paying before," said MovieLuv.net forum user rhAsTings. "Quit your cryin. If you don't like it, you don't have to not use it. Just subscribe today."

Stockholders have already exhibited excitement of over the potential gain of $2,574,000,000 in the third quarter, and insiders at NetFlix are reportedly shitting themselves wet at the prospect of increasing their presence overseas, raising their number of non-subscribers to an estimated 6 billion by the end of next year.

Hastings said, "I see no reason a simple hut-dweller in Botswana should not be afforded the same luxury that a meager trailer-dweller without internet will soon enjoy—the joy of becoming a NetFlix bill-payer. Today we have the United States… tomorrow, we take the world!"

Upon receiving news of the NetFlix proposed price plan, Amazon.com founder and CEO Jeff Bezos dramatically smashed a china cup against his Kindle and bellowed, "You will bow down before me, Reed! You… and your heirs!"

little more than a year away from the next presidential election, and with a trio of Republican contenders searching for signs of weakness, the president received more bad news when his approval rating among adult male Obamas hit an all-time low.

Poll experts, and not the fun kind who strip, say this revelation comes at a crucial time for the president, who has not even officially accepted his party's nomination for re-election yet. With his self-approval showing startlingly low numbers, it leaves a second term for President Obama in doubt.

The latest statistical information comes from a CNN poll on how well the president was addressing the nation's problems. Among all voters, regardless of age, gender, race, political leanings, and being the president or not, Obama continued to a challenging 46% approval rating; but among the important demographic of Barack Obamas, a key vote to win in 2012, Obama's once-solid 98% approval rating dipped drastically, all the way to 71%.

"Oh, brother, sometimes I don't think you know what you're doing at all," the president could be heard saying under his breath as he filled out the poll.

While overall Obama approval ratings remained steady among under-14 Obamas and adult female Obamas, holding at a steady 99% and 65%, respectively, the plunge in presidential self-approval is a number that needs significant gains if Obama hopes to get his own vote during the next election. There have yet to be any strong Democratic contenders to oppose the president, but with numbers consistently declining as the nation struggles to avoid further unemployment and the threat of a deeper recession, there is always a chance a third-party candidate or moderate Republican could steal the Obama vote away from the president.

Speaking candidly off the record, a private source within the president told reporters, "I don't know about this guy anymore. In 2008 everything looked so good, and I had a lot of hopes he could deliver on all those promises he made. Christ, it's almost the end of 2011 and what have we gotten for all our hard work? At some point it can't be Bush's fault anymore, and the president has to step up and be his own man, claim responsibility for the state of things. Where did our health care go? I thought we were going to protect Social Security and benefits? Is he caving on everything in his platform or can he just not stand up to the opposition?"

Added the confidential Obama source, "I don't know about this jobs bill thing either. Kind of looks like throwing good money after bad. I thought it might work last week, then I saw those poll numbers… damn, maybe I'm just kidding myself."

Our poll expert Jimmy Cusper, and no, I won't stop saying "poll expert," notes that a dip in the approval rating doesn't spell the end for the Obama campaign. There's more than enough time to make up those numbers in the next 13 months before the election.

"As they say in Washington, as goes the president, so goes the nation. Right now Obama's having a tough time of it, and you can't blame him—he talks a good game about what he's going to do to turn things around for the economy, improve social programs and reduce the budget, but when it comes time to put up or shut-up, it seems like he's getting nothing done. To him, at least. But it's time to stop playing nice guy, to put the focus on the Republicans and their lack of answers, to call their bluffs, and to really push some big agendas through in D.C. to make up for all the lackluster business of the past three years. It's hard, but not impossible. He just has to go to work and show himself he's not just talking out of his presidential ass."

Some good news for the president is that presidential self-approval ratings typically get a boost in late December and around New Year's, when family gatherings and a few days off from being leader of the free world help improve the way things look. Obama also suffered an uncommon fall in his self-approval rating this year when he turned 50 last month.

"You've got to look at things from the perspective of your average President Obama," Cusper suggested. "He just turned fifty years old and what does he have to show for himself? A dead-end job where none of his party supports him and the news would rather cover Sarah Palin's farts. By the way, did you see that coverage? Sounds like a duck with an accent. It might not be a landslide for Obama next year, but if he keeps pushing and does his best work, reminds himself why he won the people's hearts in the first place, he just may capture his self-demographic next year. He also stands to receive his biggest boost yet in numbers around the time of the Democratic Convention of 2012. All those balloons and people holding signs with your picture on it can't help but make you feel better."

They're still frightening numbers for the president in comparison to recent history. Even when his presidential approval rating hit an all-time low of 32% among voters, predecessor President George W. Bush's self-approval record never dropped below its standard 110% rating. Of course, a lot of those were taken right after naptime, about 3:15 p.m.

Greetings, communistas. First and foremost, I must apologize for my absence and the hellish disrepair this site has fallen into in said absence. I had an unfortunate run-in with a Taco Bell Volcano Box and have spent the past few months in the loving care of the Shanesly/Rupert Valley Regional Memorial Hospital. Some might argue that four months is a longer than necessary stay for a common case of food poisoning, but just like the anti-drowning safety labels on all the bottled water sold in town say, we like to be careful here in Shanesly. And really there was no harm done, as I’m sure my birthday party magician’s guild insurance will more than cover the expenses.

The story of how all of this happened is far too graphic for young and impressionable readers, but suffice it to say that Volcano box lived up to its name and turned my box into a veritable volcano, overflowing with flaming human effluvia, if by box you understand I mean my asshole. I realize the term is usually reserved for a woman’s vaginal area, but I imagine gay guys or somebody somewhere calls a man’s ass a box as well, so there you go. Here at the commune headquarters, the inmates were left to run the asylum while I was gone, and I suppose it comes as no great shock that the inmates did a real half-assed job of asylum running. It doesn’t look like we’ve published much, but the staff somewhat made up for that by adding a wet, rotting Nerf refrigerator to my back yard, which apparently has a pack of ferrets living inside of it. I’m afraid to ask where that thing came from, or why Nerf ever made flexible, spongy refrigerators. Whatever the reason, now it’s a collapsed floppy mess in the back yard that squeaks menacingly whenever you walk near it.

On the bright side, several more commune regulars wandered blindly back into the fray during my absence. Vernon Hooper accosted Raoul Dunkin at a local Denny’s, mistaking him inexplicably for Rick Santorum. Freelance freeballers Ella Dipthong and Chals Woodland both sent in columns via the teletype system for deaf people that Mitch Kroeger stole from the old folks’ home he had been pretending to be old to live in, rent-free, for the last few years. In other words, we’ve got all your old non-favorites. When it comes to re-configuring the commune, corralling the old staff has proved to be much easier than expected, since they all seem to be drawn to no pay and ill repute like fat, juicy moths to a house-sized bug zapper. Getting them to do their goddamned moth jobs once they’re incapacitated and twitching on the ground is another story entirely. But at least they’re fumbling their way through the door, even when I’m not here to explain that the doggie door is for dogs only and that Mountain Dew Code Red in the fridge is most certainly not for the dog, as evidenced by the jittery red sprays of dog urine everywhere.

I even received a telegram from Red Bagel the other day, which simply read "HE’S COMING." That’s literally what it said, apparently Red still believes in the power of referring to himself in the third person. The telegram was most impressive for the fact that no telegraph services exist any more in modern times, apparently Bagel had to email the message to some local chunkhead, who then typed it out on some telegraph paper he bought at a garage sale.

The excitement around here would be even more palpable if I wasn’t the only one who remembers who Red Bagel is.

Anyway, it’s great to be back. I’d love to say this will never happen again, but Taco Bell has recently added a Dorito-shell taco to their menu, and we both know it’s only a matter of time before that thing is making babies in my stomach. Until then, we here at the commune will endeavor to provide the high degree of timely journalism you are in no way accustomed to from the commune. Set your eyeballs to "stunned"!

Zincerely,
Emil Zender

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