the commune, 1/11/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

U.S. Vows to Regain Most-Hated Nation Status

February 13, 2006

Washingon, D.C.

Whit Pistol

midst the controversy of insulting Danish cartoons and rioting Muslims throughout Europe and the Middle East, the U.S. has taken a firm stance against the editorial cartoon in questionâ€”not because it offends Islamic culture, but because it steals focus from the ever-popular anti-Americanism felt by Muslims worldwide.

"We will not stand for this insult to the United States," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan on Friday. "This administration has put far too much work into the Middle East to settle for second most-hated country in the western world."

Added McClellan, "I meanâ€¦ Afghanistan? Iraq? The threats and endless implications of war in Syria and Iranâ€¦ if anyone is the biggest threat to Islam, it's us."

Protests began following the publication of 12 cartoons portraying the prophet Mohammed in Denmark's Jyllands-Posten, an act prohibited in Islamic religion, and the protests have turned into violent rioting in many instances, including setting fire to a Danish embassy. The riots have spread throughout Europe, following the re-publication of the offending cartoons in other countries. As Muslim aggression turns against Denmark and the other European Union countries, the U.S. began to show clear signs of fearing second best.

"You think Denmark's offensive?" President Bush said at a press conference on Thursday. "We put a Koran on the toilet, if you remember. Not us specifically, and we don't condone that kind of thingâ€”but that's American handiwork for you. Let's try to remember whose financial and military complexes you've suicide bombed. Ain't we the Great Satan, folks?"

Some scholars and media pundits, who make the real money in the field of academia, have suggested the cartoon controversy may be behind the administration's recent attacks on suspected Al-Qaeda targets, as well as the president's verbal gaff on Saturday.

"You know what's stupid? Long beards," Bush said to a small group of White House visitors on Saturday. He added, "Oops," in a less-than-convincing way.

Psychologists and political scientists both have tried to explain the effects of the Danish cartoon and the Muslim response, but if any academic field has gained the most from this debacle, it's the newly burgeoning area of politopsycho science. Happy to answer questions was the field's premiere and only representative, Professor Norm Chauncey of Newark University.

"Clearly the president, and to a certain extent the country and its administration itself, is dealing with a sudden loss of identity as the political landscape begins to change," said Professor Chauncey, who was kind enough to buy the lattes. "As these times become more turbulent, and anti-American sentiment grows all around the world, particularly in the Middle East and Islamic cultures, we in the west have found comfort in the most reliable feature of modern lifeâ€”anti-Americanism. Can you imagine how disoriented we would all be if the French stopped being pretentious overnight? What a confusing, frightening world that would be. It's the same effect when the United States is no longer the first one to trample all over the nerves of Muslims. The Danes? If they're going to start being insensitive to cultural differences, we might as well go the rest of the full mile and stop interfering in everyone's world affairs. Let's exactly how whacked out we can all be."

Chauncey lectured further on the subject, but since he wouldn't throw in a biscotti, the commune doesn't see much reason to print that as well.

the commune news was deeply offended by a comic strip as well, when Ziggy burned that car thief's balls on the truck's exhaust pipe to get a confessionâ€”though, come to think of it, that could have been an episode of The Shield. commune Douchebag Raoul Dunkin tries to be sensitive to the feelings of everyone, earning him his nickname "commune Douchebag."

It's Official: Palestinians Prefer Hummus

January 30, 2006

Ramallah, W. Bank

Junior Bacon

Palestinians go nuts for the near-flavor of hummus, the nation's most-popular food-like goop

n a stunning election with worldwide implications, the unpredictable Palestinian people shocked the world this week by voting for the pita spread hummus as their new national favorite food. The US State Department had been hoping for a different result to the election, considering US hamburger interests in the region.

Polling results have come in amid claims that the US tried to rig the election, handing out free White Castle burgers at polling places and distributing propagandic pamphlets apparently left over from the Communist witch hunts of the 1950's, bearing slogans like "A Meal Without Meat is a Meal You Shouldn't Eat" and "Veggies for Fags."

The election results are hard to understand for American readers, most of whom do not consider chip dip to be a major food group. But in underdeveloped Palestine, the only groceries most Palestinians have access to are in gas station convenience stores like Pay 'n Gulp and the Circle K. As a result, Middle Eastern nutritional science revolves mainly around which snack foods provide the most pep for Arabs on the go.

According to commune answerbot Griswald Dreck, Hummus is made by grinding up live hummingbirds, a small, otherwise useless beast high in Vitamin E, and mixing the pasty remains with lemon juice. Hummingbird farmers were understandably thrilled by the news of the election, vowing to ramp up production by bulking up on their supplies of taser guns and pooper scoopers, the main tools of the trade used for catching hummingbirds.

Marketed in America under the name "Tasty Paste," hummus is ranked as our nation's 347th favorite snack food, just behind gum wrappers and candy cigarettes. A small subset of Americans are said to be enthralled by the exotic snack, daring the purchase it whenever the grocery store is entirely out of sour cream, guacamole and Frito dip.

The election's results have brought renewed attention to the controversial practice of nations electing their favorite foods, a ploy that hasn't seen the light of day since the United States' own disastrous 1984 election, when Americans shocked their corporate overlords by electing pizza over presumed-winner hamburgers in a landslide, shaking the towers of power down to their very foundations.

The Palestinians, known as "Pallies" to friendly neighboring nations, have always shown a tendency to go against the grain, particularly when western interests are involved. From their preference for turbans over the more-profitable baseball cap, to their refusal to buy into the worldwide tanning bed craze, Palestinians seem to exist solely to disappoint American businesses hoping to peddle their wares overseas.

Observers await news from the White House on whether this week's election is an invadable offense, or merely another reason to kick Arab people in the nuts behind the political scenes.

the commune news has always believed in a free people's right to eat what they please, unless we're seated at the same table. You can save your weird shit for after we're well out of noseshot, thank you very much Habib. Boner Cunningham once ate an entire tub of hummus, thinking it was special NASA ice cream, before spending the rest of spring break in the little boys' room.

Pain in the Ass Hawking Demands Handicapped- Accessible Space Shuttle

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MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now

April 2, 2007

Rain, Rain, Go Straight to Hell

º Last Column: I Don't Cotton to Spandex
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Things have been gloomier than usual here at the commune offices, as Flatbush, New Jersey goes through another rain-drenched March. Some have always admired rain, looked into the gloomy darkness overhead and the water fluttering down from the sky and seen it as some kind of cleansing of the earth, a washing-away of the dust and grime coating the planet and the nourishing of its lush green life. I say that's horseshit. Rain is nothing but the entire population of a city, state, or country being thrown into the swimming pool a teaspoon full at a time.

God's laughing at us when it rains. That's rightâ€”I accept the Judeo-Christian concept of God, and sometimes He's a right asshole. If He's so perfect, couldn't he find a more productive way of doing whatever rain has to do? Why make plants that grow in the middle of a landlocked mass need water at all? It makes less sense than a movie starring Adam Sandler as a romantic lead. God's capable of making spiders, who reproduce with hundreds of offspring and spin elaborate webs to feed themselves, but the best he could do to get water around to all the soil is just to drop it out of the sky. I'm surprised He stopped there. Why not just have chicken wings plunge from the clouds whenever people need feeding? Hold your mouths open like turkeys staring at the sky, spit out the bones, there's no need to even take lunch. It's better than getting soaking wet through some ill-conceived water delivery system.

Imagine the scenario, good people: You've put on your best work suit, combed your hair into a stylish pompadour that's a magnet for the ladies, and you strut out the door early in the morning. Then some obstinate little shit pelts you with a condom full of mineral water. I suppose you addle-minded hippies would look up at him and blather on about the inherent beauty of getting pranked by a little preteen bastard. You'd write songs about water balloons and lovers would curl up next to the fire telling each other they sure like the smell in the air after you get socked in the face with a swishy prophylactic. To hell with that. You've been punked, nature-lover.

I'm not sure why I alone have this special insight, that rain is nothing but an amateur April Fool's joke. Perhaps standing at 3-foot-eight-inches and being particularly vulnerable to floods and watery basements makes me warier of water falling from the sky than most people. I don't accept all of the Bible as a literal interpretation, but I do believe there was a flood. I admit, I skipped around through parts of it, but I think I have the general gistâ€”40 days and nights of rain (yeah, God, real funny), build a monstrous boat, take two of each animal. I'm not sure the wisdom of that, taking a couple of dinosaurs that are bound to eat the rest of the animals, instead of taking your hundred or so best friends. But I'm not concerned with that, I only want to keep a close eye on rain in case it gets the wise idea to do the same thing again. I haven't exactly kept up with my boat-making skill, and if I were hard-pressed to start collecting animals right now, I would only be able to find a couple of diferent breeds of dogs and a cockatiel.

However, let's make one thing clear: I will not hear a word against snow. Snow is the antithesis of rainâ€”it's light and flickering instead of pelting and obstinate; it's pure and charming, instead of cruel and clothes-ruining. Plus, it sticks together and makes snow men. Anything that allows itself to be shaped by men into mock people cannot be bad. You just try and make a rainman, see where that will get youâ€”a watery retarded man who counts matchsticks easily. Yeah, that was a great idea.

º Last Column: I Don't Cotton to Spandex
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Quote of the Day

“A nation divided against itself, times three more nations, plus six more nations and an independent state, divided by two nations, isâ€¦ shit. I always do this. I forgot to carry the remainder. Does anyone have a calculator I can borrow?”

-Abie Lincoln Hayes

Fortune 500 Cookie

Today is the day the son of a bitch finally dies. You know what would be good right about now? Chili con carne. Isn't it funny how the one time you forget to wear a condom is the one time you end up catching a seriously painful contagious disease? Lucky for you, the world can always abide one more asshole.

Try again later.

Top Unsigned Retro 70s Funk Bands

1.	Captain Dance and His Delicious Groove Posse
2.	Shithouse Delight
3.	The Unfuckables
4.	Danny Gyrate Presents Sensual Musk
5.	The Wonder Holes

We Love 2005!

BY orson welch

3/12/2007

Itâ€™s a new year, and Iâ€™m proud to inform you Iâ€™m no longer bagging groceries at the Safeway. They wanted to go in another direction, whatever that means. So now I volunteer at the local library, but I also help my mom with a lot of home repair, which I might not get paid for, but I assure you is work. Of course, in my spare time, I review movies accurately (even superiorly) for the commune. Oh, lookâ€”I have the spare time now.

Ghost Rider

Itâ€™s about time somebody recognized the link between carnival people and demons of the underworld; unfortunately, this movie seems to make it out to be a good thing. Nicolas Cage, Americaâ€™s first entirely comic book actor, has found a medium well-suited for him, as a scenery-chewing, Elvis-imitating, flaming-mot...