ccording to Columbus residents, in spite drawing considerable national media attention the recent series of fourteen unsolved freeway shootings over the last few months are business as usual for the southern Ohio city.

“The media likes to make a big deal out of this because of those Black Panthers or whatever it was shooting up the gas customers in D.C., but they’re just looking for something to sell,� explained lifelong resident Tammy Kennedy. “Actually this year’s not as bad as normal, I got shot three times last year. But I think that was partly because I was driving a red car. I sold that car and got one that blends in better with the road this year.�

“The thing you have to understand is it’s hunting season,� said Columbus mayor Richard Freebing. “That always plays a factor. If this were happening in July, that might be cause for alarm… unless there had been a gun show recently. Then it would still be normal. Or if the Bengals won or something. But any time of year it happens. Once you strip away the media hype, all you know is that people get shot in Ohio. That’s it, big deal. So we’re not too worried about it. You have to accept that everybody gets shot, it’s just a fact of life.�

Ohio transport authorities closed a section of Interstate 270 Saturday night to perform ballistics tests in hopes of returning the bullets to their rightful owners. The 20-mile stretch of highway between I-70 East and I-70 West was closed from 5 p.m. EST to 7 p.m. EST Saturday, according to Chief Deputy Steve Martin of the Franklin County Sheriff’s Department. The closure was made necessary so investigators from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms could take ballistics measurements while the road was clear of cars and gunfire. He said the work needs to be done at night but would not elaborate.

Unnamed sources for the commune, however, indicated that an escalating series of boasts between ATF agents had led to the necessity of the testing being done in pitch black, by blindfolded agents who had their hands tied behind their backs. Representatives for the ATF denied these allegations, explaining instead that the timing was for safety reasons, as field agents believed they’d be harder to shoot at night.

Thus far the 2003 Columbus shootings have resulted in only one death, that of 62-year-old Gail Knisley, who was hit by a stray bullet while she was shooting at a passing motorist who had cut her off in traffic. However, several abandoned buildings have been damaged in the shooting spree, and a local duck is listed in critical condition.

Though local residents believe the shootings are linked only by falling into the “stuff shot in Ohio� category, they have not been immune to the national media attention. Local police have had their hands full in recent weeks, fielding dozens of complaints from residents who want to be a part of the media circus. Sunday, a woman driving near the southern section of I-270 heard a noise and found she had a flat tire, according to police. No bullet was recovered in that incident, but the paint on the car was scratched and there were several “bullet hole� decals affixed to the driver-side door of the vehicle.

Early Monday, a home bordering that highway in the city of Obetz was struck by a bullet. No one was in the residence at the time, Martin said, holstering his revolver and whistling at his own impressive marksmanship.

mericans who survived the weekend are gearing up for even worse weather in the near future, as the country continues to be belted by the worst snows since Winter.

The National Weather Service issued a "snow" alert for the colder portions of the country, warning that dropping temperatures could lead to more frozen precipitation and the possible disasters that usually result from bad snowstorms.

Most were taken by surprise last week when heavy snows began falling from the sky, accumulating on the ground and making for unusual driving conditions, as well as dangerous outside work or play environments. It was a shock when a mere three months ago the temperatures were routinely in the 60- or even 70-degrees in the same areas.

"I was out here wearing a jacket last week, just raking up the leaves," said Trenton, New Jersey McDonald's Manager Vera Klein. "I came out this morning and, instantly, I was cold. I have to put on a heavier jacket. I don't even know what to think."

The surprising, out-of-the-blue storms resulted in the deaths of four people across the East Coast, most in traffic-related accidents. Some are worried it's only the tip of the iceberg, pun intended.

"Traffic deaths are the most obvious," said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Saturday, speaking on a private C.B. radio from his snowed-in mansion. "When the snow melts, I worry we may find bodies under the snow. The people who didn't make it out in time."

In some areas, early estimates were putting the snow in the inches, or occasionally the foot, foot and half. Few were getting out to validate those claims, however.

Some were visiting from other, sunnier climates when the snow instantly fell and trapped them in their East Coast locations. Kenny Gulliver, a retired traveling hobo from Arizona, was vacationing with his harmonica in Philadelphia when the snowstorms hit.

"I managed to find me a rail yard and a boxcar full of pimentos, so I'll be okay," said Gulliver. "For a while, anyway. You just got to hope it will all be over soon and you'll be able to see the ground again. Some people are saying this could last until Spring, maybe even longer. You got to pray that's not the case."

Gulliver then proceeded to play "Pick a Bale of Cotton" as requested, and we bided the time until a snowmobile rescue team picked the two of us up. There wasn't enough room for the harmonica.

Linda "Muscles" McClanahan, a spokesperson from the National Weather Service, advised people to keep calm and think rationally.

"Obviously you don't want to go out in this weather unless it's absolutely necessary," said McClanahan, "or you really want to see what everyone else is doing out there. If you have to go out, take some precaution. Wear clothes, maybe even more than one pair. If you wear two hats, take a picture of it and send it to us—we might make you our 'Wacky Hat of the Month' winner. Put chains on your tires to improve your car's traction, or your unicycle. Put some chains on the top of the car as well, in case it rolls over. Put some chains on yourself, too. It's not necessarily useful, but you can pretend to be the only survivor in a Mad Max-type post-apocalyptic future."

Having tried it, this reporter can vouch for the effectiveness of all suggestions, especially the latter.

Faithful voyeurs, or as I like to call you, "reserve" commune Enthusiasts Club members, I'm thrilled to report the summer picnic of our little group was a resounding, unqualified success. As unqualified as Raoul Dunkin applying for a job in a pornographic movie. Ha! A little joke at the expense of the commune's favorite maligned reporter. Forgive me, Raoul, it's impossible to resist joining in the good-natured fun.

As I mentioned, the picnic went off without a hitch. Of course, since I've been the only one attending meetings for the commune Enthusiasts Club since the year began, I had the direst expectations it would not attract a single visitor. Maybe I overreacted, working diligently from the beginning of the summer until the picnic day itself, August 21, advertising it around all of the tri-state area. What a surprising turnout! Close to 1500 new members showed up to the picnic. Can you believe my success?

I attribute much of the crowd turning out to my attempts to focus the meeting on a political agenda. I printed up many of the flyers and posters with a large "BEAT BUSH!" banner, and gave the location and time of the picnic. I believed more people would get behind the commune if they could embrace a similar agenda, and so many these days share the commune's objective of revealing the fallacies of the current administration and our so-called "president." How right I was. Protestors showed up in droves, and this time they were supporting the commune, and against the president.

Not that the plan didn't fail on some occasions. I clumsily folded the paper when Xeroxing the last two-thousand of the flyers, so a few too many of them inappropriately advertised "EAT BUSH!" and attracted a not-altogether desirable demographic. Still, I never judge a book by its cover, or the weird smell emanating and the unsettling groans it emits. I took down everyone's name I could get, and some of them were even pretty stoked about returning for future commune meetings—a young man named Jack Mehoff offered to videotape all our future gatherings. It goes to show, a little optimism can make the rain clouds disappear.

Understandably, it was hard to discuss future commune Enthusiasts Club business at the picnic with all the angry shouts and the large riot squad attendance, who infuriatingly carted away some of our most vocal members. Fearless leader Red Bagel proves himself right again about the "police state" New York City really is. I told as many people as I could when the next cEC (is that an acceptable acronym, gang?) meeting will be. Same as always, every Friday at my house—parking subject to availability, if we get just as large a turnout. Hopefully this time it won't be just me in my basement, reading a speech I practiced all week just to have no one else show.

My one regret about the picnic is I didn't get the information about its success to you all sooner. I had enough time to write up a concise description of the event for the August 23 commune, but the space Red Bagel promised me for my usual address was revoked at the last minute. Mr. Bagel had it on good authority China was going to finally launch that attack on the moon he kept hearing about—it didn't happen, thank god, but better to be vigilant, so no hard feelings here.

Though it wasn't an official meeting, fellow commune Enthusiasts Club member and longtime friend Sandy dropped by Wednesday. We watched a DVD movie (Hellboy) and had an argument about my insistence on taking notes on all our get-togethers. I told her it was for official club business, but she insisted she wasn't in the club anymore—something we're still discussing.

So a reminder to all readers, be sure to get in on the ground floor of the commune Enthusiasts Club while you still can. I've got a feeling it's really about to take off, and I'm pretty sure this time the feeling will be right.

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