Libel Maker

Hold onto your asses, 'cause this is craziness in peak: I'm being sued.

Right, me. I thought as a legal requirement to be sued you have to have money. Apparently something has changed in the Constitution. Let this be a lesson to everyone, you got to read the Constitution once every few years to see if it's been altered or replaced. Not all of us individually, that would be outrageous. We should all just select one person a year to read it, starting in reverse alphabetical order. Then that guy gets on the internet and tells us what's been taken out and revised. And hopefully no one will figure out by the time it rolls around to me I'll be a hundred-something or dead.

None of this helps. But it helps to complain about the Constitution when you're pissed off.

Oh, the lawsuit, right. It's that snurfler Jayme. I know snurfler isn't a real word, but c'mon, she's suing me. I'm not going to go and call her an economy-sized bitch when she could attach that as another lawsuit. From now on, I'm only calling that sperm queen made-up names.

So get this. I'm trying to do some of the regular cover shoots for the next few issues of Metallichick comic book and major lorkhound Jayme is hanging around and totally distracting Nat so his mind is on getting laid rather than doing business. I tell her to run off and cream the janitor for a few minutes while Nat and I do real work, and she got all offended. Nat was pissed at me, and maybe it was a bad idea to piss him off while Jayme is so obviously crusading for the Metallichick cover model role, but I think Nat will respect someone who's blunt with him. Or can get him blunts, if that fails.

It wasn't even the order to go boff the custodian that pissed her off, at least she didn't name it in the lawsuit. Apparently when she refused to move along I said, and I quote the lawsuit, "Skee-daddle, dildo!" In Jayme's little debutante world being called a dildo causes, again quoting the lawsuit, "Severe emotional damages" and "unpleasant imagery." What the hell is that about?

This shit is just whacko. I call 'em like I see 'em—she's a dildo. I didn't make her a dildo, a prig klautat who goes around sucking donk like it's a crackpipe and trying to sleep her way to comic book covers. Pathetic, you ask me. She should sue her parents. Dear mom and dad, thanks for making me a neurotic miss priss dudoodobat. Consider yourself served.

Is "snatch handout" a real insult? A lawsuit-inducing insult? Hey, lawyers, let me know if I can say that without getting litigated back to the stone age.

My lawyer won't even let me tell my side of the story to her lawyer anymore. I'm just trying to let the guy know what kind of hosehoarder he's representing. By the way, I guess I can use that one since it's been added to the lawsuit as of our last meeting.

I ought to just fire my lawyer. If he were any good he would have gotten me those back checks from that ALF screen test I did years ago. One of these days that footage is going to turn up as a DVD special feature and everyone will see they missed their calling letting a grown man wear that suit.

I can defend myself, if I do fire that assmunch shyster of mine. I'll come up with some brilliant legal plan. Technically, I think if I can prove in a court of law the fershizzle can be used like a dildo I can win the case. Even if I can't it would be really funny seeing a couple of guys trying to ram her up some big broad's pouch. It would even be worth losing the case.

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