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04/2/25   
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Rok Finger: Independent Film Star

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February 16, 2001
Being a celebrity has its advantages. I've never been one of those wildly popular people who've complained about the spotlight. I revel in the attention and the fact people value what I have to say. I consider myself a very trusted member of the community, holding more sway than the Mayor and the guy who dances at baseball games combined. But now Rokwell T. Finger is taking the next logical step in the celebrity chain—I'm going to be in a movie!

Before you get all worked up into a frenzy, make sure that I'm not going to be some John Davidson-style action hero or champagne-sippin' conniver in a big-budget romp. No, while that may seem the preferred way to go, the film's producer, Piglet, made the point that appearing in a film like that would rob me of my credibility. Instead, I'm doing something of great artistic merit. The film is currently titled Dog Dick Sunday, but might change if a more interesting title comes up. From what I understand the film is about a fellow, named Dick of course, who experiences a very unpleasant Sabbath. No one has described the film for me or let me see a script, but I think it's pretty transparent from the title.

No, I won't be playing "Dick"—baby steps, good people, baby steps. My character is known as "Creepy Old Guy" in the script, though if I understand right nobody actually states my name. From the scenes I've rehearsed already, everyone generally screams when they see me. Not without good reason—most of the scenes I'm carrying a torch and shrieking in a high-pitched whine. That would certainly scare me, folks!

I can guarantee there won't be any nudity—Rok Finger isn't into putting this temple on display for anyone but the Mrs. and those just outside my bedroom window, including our neighbor Mrs. Hardlevilch. I will be appearing in my underwear in most scenes, but as Piglet said, "Underwear models, like, get paid to do that all the time, yeah? And they can, y'know, appear in your Sunday morning paper while you're, like, drinking your coffee and shit." Well-stated, Piglet. Well-stated.

I'm also very excited to be bringing back the lost art of blackface. My character spends much of the movie in black grease paint (or axle grease; I can't recall which the make-up person said it was) and I performed some of my very favorite Amos & Andy and Jolsen bits on the set; they won't be in the movie, of course, but perhaps on the outtake reel. Most of the kids on the set must've never seen any kind of comedy like it, they all seemed very perplexed and stunned. Hopefully my next role I'll get to exploit those talents more.

Don't worry, folks, Rok Finger will still be a familiar face on the commune for some time to come. I don't expect to get swept up in the limelight. As soon as it interferes with my columns, I can assure you I'll tell them to take a hike. But in the meantime, I hope you'll enjoy my stardom as much as I am. The film will be playing in Piglet's basement when it opens, though no set date as of yet, seeing as how the film is yet to be completed. A few key scenes need to be shot, and then the movie may take a while in post-production, since Piglet's dad won't get off his back about the money he owes him. But when it debuts… watch out independent film world! Rok Finger is about to make a big bomb!


Milestones
1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.
Now Hiring
Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.
Top Outstanding commune Petty Cash Debts
1.Raoul Dunkin
$974.25 in mental anguish
2.Smilin' Jack Costello
$8, plus interest
3.Ned Nedmiller
1/8th of a cent
4.Mazie the Chicken
1 half cup of scratch
5.You Know Who You Are
1 human gall bladder
Archives
No Dog Will Run My Life
Uproar has swept over me, good people. You want to know why? You want to know WHY? I can't hear you! That's better. This morning, my good wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, suggested maybe it's time we possibly consider getting a dog if that's okay... (1/16/01)

People Think I'm Johnny Carson
The most hilarious thing happened the other day, faithful readers. As is per usual, I was on the phone to odor the special deodorant I use from Quebec. Anyone familiar with me knows I tire of the French fairly quick, and the only thing that... (1/16/01)

Doin' Fine
I must say with one-cup astonishment, two cups of mistrust, I'm doing perfectly well this week. That's right, Rokophiles, Mama Finger's boy has no outstanding bones to pick or societal ills to attack. Oh, sure, I imagine there's plenty of bad things... (12/15/00)

God Owes Me BIG TIME
Some people act like God owes them something... just because they were born! As if being given the gift of life entitles them to something other than each and every lucky breath they take. Nosiree Bob. Look at my face! Now you know damn well... (11/15/00)

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