Doin' Fine

December 15, 2000

I must say with one-cup astonishment, two cups of mistrust, I'm doing perfectly well this week. That's right, Rokophiles, Mama Finger's boy has no outstanding bones to pick or societal ills to attack. Oh, sure, I imagine there's plenty of bad things happening in our worldâ€”there always isâ€”but at the moment none seem to concern me.

No, I'm not in loveâ€”at least not in love with anyone new; just my lovely wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, our cat Makeshift, and maybe the commune stockboyâ€”he does freshen your paperclip cup even before it's empty, that charming fop.

Nor is my cheerful demeanor the by-product of any dangerous mind-expanding new drug. I can assure you good people I'm on nothing stronger than good ol' black coffee, Tylenol, and the Cannabis prescribed for my foot pain.

I can't explain why, I'm just happy. Oh, to be sure, I've got things to be unhappy aboutâ€”by the barrelful! But at this time, I'm just having a good day.

At this moment the President, what'sisname, could pop up on my screen and announce that the race war has just broken out at long last, and my response would be: "Eh." I kid you not. I'm just generally doin' fine.

I'm not sure how my wife's doingâ€”I should ask her. I suppose she's just fine, though. She's always been fine even when I've not been so fine, she just leans toward finality, I think. I'm sure Makeshift has no feline worriesâ€”perhaps feline leukemia, if he's a particularly worrisome cat, but if he is he sure puts up a brave faÃ§ade. I should really talk to him, get to know him better.
Maybe it's the fact it's Wednesday; I've always liked Wednesdays best. But even if I can't explain it, I know I'm doing fine. Hope you're doing fine.

Waitâ€¦ now it's starting to wear off. Feeling less fine even as the moments erode. Becoming genuinely pissed off now. Try figuring that out! Noâ€¦ seems to be fading itself. Generally retreating to fine now. Deadline is approaching, so I'll keep you informed on the fine/not-fine issue as details become available in the next column.

Milestones

1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.

Now Hiring

Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.

Top Samuel Berger Excuses for Hiding Documents in Pants

1.	Was hoping only hot babes had clearance to read pages.
2.	In early stages of making a nest for baby starlings.
3.	Not everybody can afford a snazzy briefcase, Rockefeller.
4.	Trying to conceive children; needed to keep the boys warm.
5.	Classify this, motherfucker.

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