Not Famous Anymore

I have some really shocking news for you, folks: I'm no longer famous.

Yeah, took me by surprise, too. But you know what? This is going to sound totally out of left field, so un-Clarissa Coleman you'll think I've been replaced by a pod, but… it's actually not too bad not being famous.

I mean, compared to being famous, it's a distant number two. But as for just being what it is, you know, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

I've been doing some serious soul searching this week and, you know what? I found out. It's always in the last place you look. That was a big surprise. I thought for a while about being famous, 'cause I've been famous ever since I can remember, and then I thought about losing fame. 'Cause I've been a has-been since just after I can remember.

That's right: Has-been. I said it: The dread H-hyphen-B word. I'm not afraid to say it now. All of this comes from that thinking on it that I mentioned. That soul-searching. I can't remember a day in my life when I didn't have a long talk with my agent, my parents, some crazy fan, or a talent scout from a radio show morning crew, and all we ever talked about was getting back to where I was. Getting that fame back. You ever hear about the Holy Grail? It's just like that. I've been searching all my life, and believe me, it hasn't been that long even if it seems like it—looking all my life for that Holy Grail. And then I found it and, like all those archaeologists and shit that went looking for it, I found out it was just some cup Jesus drank out of. All this work for a cup with someone's germs on it.

No matter how many times I get back to the top, it's just another big struggle to stay up there. And for what? So I can get invited over to Tom Cruise's to see some sonogram of his new alien baby? So I can eat some ribs at John Goodman's backyard barbecue? Or so I can wind up at home, boycotting either of those events like Madonna because I couldn't find something to wear. That's a shallow existence, people. I can't believe I ever thought it was worth all the hell they put you through.

You see, I found me a job a couple of weeks ago. It was really just to pay the bills, and I was going to tell everybody that old "just researching for a part I'm after" bullshit if anyone recognized me, but the twist was on me: I like this job. I work in this charity kinda company, helping battered wives and homeless guys find better-paying jobs so they can get out on their own. And I got to see these people up close, and I was more surprised than you to find out they weren't so bad. Just like you and me.

I guess that made me realize, hey, maybe I'm not one of them famous people after all. Maybe I'm just another person in the world. A little bit like them, but I've had some more breaks. I haven't had to worry about money like they have—sure, I can't afford a 2005 model car just yet, but I have it pretty good. I have a place to stay and my family to help me out. Well, my sister to help me out. I don't have it so bad.

What surprised me the most about this crazy new job was that I helped all these people out, but it wasn't making them feel good that made it a decent job. It made me feel good to make them feel good. I've never had one job in Hollywood that made me feel good. And that was something nice.

So bye-bye, Hollywood. For real this time. I have work at last, and it's not what I thought it would be, but it's better than all the sitcoms and movies and walk-on appearances on every talk show there is. How about that? Maybe I'm not a child star no more. Just an adult star… who can still play incredibly young.

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