Second Drafted

I have started the next phase of my writing career: The Second Draft.

That means I finished the script, wrote it all the way through, and now someone has to rewrite it. Don't worry for me, it's not going to be me who rewrites it. I just had to find someone who wants to write it again for me, take out all the spelling errors and give the people who aren't me believable dialogue and stuff. That's what all the rewrites I've ever seen have involved, taking a script that's not so good and making it work as a movie.

I already found someone, even though I have to pay him. But I'm paying him 60% of whatever the script sells for, so it's not like it's real money. You may have heard of him—but probably not. It's office scourge Ramrod Hurley. He has a lot of free time, since no one likes him, and I assume he writes pretty well because he works here and the commune has standards and shit. It's not like they give everyone a job writing here, only the ones who write good. Plus, as I said, he works in percentages, which is basically like imaginary money.

I haven't even told you how the script turned out, have I? It's pretty sweet, if I can say so myself. It's all about a world-famous actress who witnesses a murder, then she has to go into hiding, disguising herself as an even more famous actress, this one has different color hair. So she hooks up with this wicked lead singer of a punk band/talk show host who helps her escape the guy trying to kill her, because she witnessed the murder, remember? Well, first she and rock star/talk show guy escape all these times she's almost killed, then they catch the guy. Set a trap, Scooby-Doo style, and get the guy all wrapped up in mummy bandages.

So I finished this "draft," as they call it in screenwriting class. But Nancy says I should always rewrite a script after the first draft, since a first draft is never perfect. Mine is, I told her, and she told me to stop interrupting her while she's teaching. Every script needs a second draft, she said, and then she wrote it on the board in color chalk, so we had to take it seriously. I figure I go to Hollywood and try to sell this script, if they ask me I did a second draft, I could always lie and say yes. But what if they can tell I'm lying? Better not risk it, so I figure I'd just get the second draft done. Damned if I'm going to do it myself, though, which is why I brought Ramrod in as a co-writer.

I guess it's going okay. I gave it to him a week ago, haven't seen him much since. I called him yesterday and he says it's going well. He changed a few things, like made the main character an aging dentist and took out the plot about witnessing the murder, instead made it this story of this dentist trying to find his wife who's been kidnapped by international diamond thieves. But it's basically the same thing I wrote, he said, but he did punctuate it and capitalize all the names, and wrote it on the computer instead of in a sketch book.

I can tell already we're going to have to sort shit out, Ramrod and I. I only did this bullshit because I need a really big comeback movie. How can I have a comeback movie if I'm not the big star of the movie I wrote? I certainly didn't do this because I wanted all the glory and recognition of writing for Hollywood. That's like saying I wanted the sweet reward of being kicked down a flight of stairs. He probably thinks I'm going to play the wife of the dentist, but I got other ideas—I can play a dentist. I know all about teeth, and I have a good smile. Well, I have a good smile.

I hope they don't give me a Best Screenwriter award. That thing nearly killed Damon's career. And I haven't seen Joe Esterhaz act in forever.

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