Top 29

As if I needed another kick in the teeth right now… VH-1 does their top whatever list of all the child stars and I don't even make the top 10.

I was as excited as a dude getting a birthday hummer when I saw the news headlines, "VH-1 Names Coleman No. 1 Child Star." I thought, damn right! It's about time I got the recognition. But it turns out they were talking about that OTHER Coleman, Gary Coleman. And I got no beef with him—he's the Nike of child stars, I'll agree.

If we're just talking about show popularity, Q-rating, that sort of thing, yeah, he's the number one. It's not my fault if my show never reached that kind of popularity—we had lousy writers. Diff'rent Strokes was Shakespeare compared to Who's Your Daddy? Not for any lack of trying on my part. So, what the hell, I'll give it to him.

But not putting me in the top 10 was just plain insulting. It proves once again I've pissed off all the entertainment high order, like the number-picking people at VH-1. How can you keep Clarissa Coleman out of the top 10? Not number 2, they couldn't give me that. Macaulay Culkin… he hasn't even done any big work in years. Neither have I, maybe, but I'm still out there trying. And the Olsen twins… multi-million dollar little harpies. Screw 'em. I'm the real child star. Just because they saved their money they were able to parlay that fortune into video tapes. Yeah, if I were financing my own video tapes and shit I'd be able to stay on top all those years, too. Just because I blew mine on drugs and toys I get the shaft.

We all know what the real reason is. It's for that interview I did in that German magazine last year, Der Fucht, where I compared VH-1 to M-TV's castrated brother. You have to understand the situation: I was told that article would never appear in English. That's the only reason I did it. Who knew VH-1 read German?

Number 29 they give me. That's just an insult. Why even put me in there at all?

My sister Cassandra suggested maybe they thought the top 10 was Coleman-heavy already, what with Arnold taking the top spot. I suppose that's a reasonable suggestion… but to mess around with the hard truth about child stars just to make it look like there's no Coleman bias… that's as wrong as purposely screwing me out of it because I said VH-1 had no nuts. Nice job, VH-1. I thought you were supposed to be the mature music-lovers' network? Real mature.

They're just mad at me because they know I'm cooking up the biggest comeback plans yet, between my screenplay that's in the works and that new comic book deal I'm working out. I'm not supposed to say anything about it, but I figure there's no harm in telling my legion of fans who keep up through the commune. You're not going to sabotage the deal, right? Plus, I've still got Ho's!, even if they're wanting to cut back my part a little. We shoot a few more episodes in August, and I think we've got a real good chance at coming in to replace whatever crap the WB is playing now. Plus, I'm working on an ultra-secret new show on the WB, which can come in and replace Ho's! when they cancel it once and for all.

So take that, VH-1. Clarissa Coleman isn't so insecure she needs a nutless network like yours to tell me I'm big. And I'm going to be bigger than anyone in that long list, once my comeback is complete. There are many roads to the top of Everest, and I'm taking them all.

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